Under Construction

Just like my home is under some minor repairs, so is my mental state. 

It hasn't yet reached an alarming point. 

I am just taking note so I know to be proactive instead of having to dig myself out of a hole.

While I want to blame my mental state on the work being done here, blah blah blah workers in my exercise and prayer space--I know it is also due to changes in our family's life.

Kika moved out to a house with three other roommates and even if she is not far from us, I miss her so much.

We all miss her.

Gabi likes hanging out in her house.

So we are getting a taste of what empty nesting is all about.

Gabi's Second High School Musical (In The Heights)

My mother-in-law, less than a month after the passing of her husband--comes to support Gabi. 

She is incredible.

Reposting The Video Of Our Trip To South Africa

Our Video  -> made by Kika


It has been six months since our trip to South Africa, and I realize that I never wrote about it.
Just yesterday I was talking about it with Steve, and I said to him that I look at that trip now, and only now with such fond memories.

It was not a "relaxing vacation."
It was far, somewhat grueling, pushed all of us out of what we were comfortable with and also, it was an expensive trip to take.
However, having said all that, I think of that safari trip as like a marathon, or a climb up an epic mountain.
Not easy, yet the satisfaction of having accomplished a trip of that magnitude based on who we are (if you knew us in real life, you would understand) fills me with utmost joy.

This picture is from our last dinner in a restaurant in Cape Town, South Africa.
While waiting for our food to come, the four of us decided to have a drawing contest on the paper table cloth. We all drew a giraffe and asked our server to judge our work.
The waiter jumped right into his task and rated all our work. Now I can't remember his grading system but I do know that he graded Steve's work as a "U" for "ungrade-able"
Guess who won?

This picture or this story may seem like nothing, but it is not nothing to me.
That the four of us could sit and enjoy ourselves with a paper table cloth and crayons halfway around the world, I found beautiful.
You see, Steve, Kika, Gabi and I? We are not the most normal.
While this might be a secret source of my frustration, I am trying my best to accept it.
Right now, at this exact point of my family's life, we are somewhat like roommates.
With the girls being 18 and almost 16--they really don't need me for anything.
I am here right now just to keep the household running as smoothly as possible.
I try to herd them with daily dinners when possible, church on the weekend but that is the extent of our family life right now.
Supposedly this is normal.
Maybe that is true but it was not quite what I was expecting, nor ready for.
Anyhow, this is why a drawing contest in a restaurant in South Africa made me very happy.
I guess it allowed me to cling to their childhood just a few minutes longer.

For our next family vacation, I am shooting for a trip to the nearest Sandals Beach Resort.
While some people may scoff at the "unimaginative, pedestrian, or non-uniqueness" of a vacation like that--I can see myself fully enjoying a white sand beach to lay around and do absolutely nothing but soak in the sun and be served food and drinks.

Apparently this floating 10 foot high diving dock was not the most dangerous thing in the property this weekend.

3 AM, I Have Insomnia.

So I decided to get up and pray.
I opened up my prayer devotional and realized that today is, Friday the 13th.
And, I just happened to have a picture for how I feel right now.

Kika is going to the prom of Central Catholic. (it's an all boys' school)
She asked me if she could have a few friends over after the prom. (By the way, I still say THE prom...but nowadays people say "going to prom" which in my mind seems wrong.
It reduces The prom to a pedestrian event. Like it is a weekly occurrence)
Anyhow, I digress.
It seemed to be a good idea to have a small group of people come here, have some cookies and milk and call it a night.
Better to have Kika here than at some after-prom rager.
The problem is, this small group has escalated to about thirty teens (that she is admitting to).

I am going against everything I would tell my non-existent followers to do:
-Do not worry about what has not happened yet.
-Live in the now.
-Surrender to what is.
-Let Go, Let God.
-Pray and all will be well.
-Have faith.

I am, Freaking. Out.

Figurative gun to her head, I forced Kika to send out a text to their "prom group message" saying: "Party ends at 2 AM. No one is to sleep over. No alcohol. My parents will be checking on us intermittently. My mother told me to send this."

Yet. I have this feeling of dread.

Back to my devotional.
The reading for today, May 13th is about thanking God in ALL circumstances.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:6-7

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-Thessalonians 5:18

Who the heck is Thessalonia and what does he know about teens?

Gabi in New Orleans for FIVE days

The Dislocation of Pax

Trust the (hair) Process

Today

The Surrender Experiment.

Whenever I am scheduled to go out of town- I become a bit of a spaz with everything I have to accomplish before we leave.
I have a checklist of things that must be done.
This list generally does not include opening my home to two groups of teenagers for their Christmas gathering, hours before we are scheduled to depart.
It does not factor in Steve and I attending a dinner in the outskirts of the city while they are hosting said parties.
It does not plan on letting the teens be in charge of locking up our house and loading up the dog and driving in snow flurry conditions to meet us after our dinner, 30 minutes drive North of the city.
But this is what happened hours before we left for Rochester NY.
It was a surrender experiment.

(To be continued)

Gabi's first formal high school dance

While She Was Homecoming....

...apparently Kika was sick.

She had been complaining of not feeling well for about a month now
"I think I have West Nile virus," said she.
I blamed her low energy on poor diet, lack of exercise, lack of sleep, excessive Iphone viewing, etc.
I even blamed the Pope for her lethargy,  as she he had gone with a group from school to see him in Philadelphia a few weekends ago.
Steadfast I was in parenting her with consistency and firmness that last week, I even forced her to run with me.
Amazingly enough, despite her malaise--I could not keep up with her.  (I tried until my lips turned numb.)

Anyhow, when she woke up last Thursday, her sore throat was worse. I finally decided to take her to the doctor. After all the blood work, it has been determined that she is on the tail end of Mono. 

                                                       Photo taken in the Key West Cemetery.


I guess she was sick. There goes that Mother of the Year award again.

Mono. 

I never heard of mono until I moved to the States and got it. I was 28 years old.
In fact, when I told my sister Karen (who lives in Manila) about Kika getting mono, she too, did not know what it was. (I guarantee most Filipinos have not heard of it)

Upon further research,
"Most people are exposed to the virus as children, when the disease produces no noticeable or only flu-like symptoms. In developing countries, people are exposed to the virus in early childhood more often than in developed countries. As a result, the disease in its observable form is more common in developed countries."
-From the internet

So in short, mono is a 'developed country' illness.
Just another perk depending on how you look at it.

Speaking of first-world illness,  I was re-reading a book recently called The Untethered Soul.
I like this book.  This book speaks to me clearly.
Anyway in this book, the author, Michael Singer speaks about how from an evolutionary stand point, humans from long ago had to struggle with protecting oneself. In today's highly evolved cooperative social structures, this survival instinct has gone through some changes. So he points out that people that do not not have to worry about lack of food, water, clothing or shelter--nor fear life threatening danger--have switched their protective energies on defending the "psychological threats."
Simply put, people that do not have to worry about basic human needs tend to have time to wrestle with inner fears, insecurities and destructive behavior patterns.
(most women from the poorest barrios of the Philippines, Haiti and Kenya are not obsessing about whether a skirt they have on makes them look heavy...)

Am I saying that mental illness, like mono, is not a third world illness?
Not at all.  Perhaps lack of resources leaves many cases undiagnosed or unexposed.
Plus, I will not pretend that I have done any extensive study on the correlation  between mental illness and socio-economic status.
But there is something to be said about how a simple and uncomplicated life might spare the mind from mental torment.
And considering that Kika is feeling extremely affected by the suicide of her friend's dad yesterday,
mental health is very much on my mind today.

Be well.

Dwarfed.

Motherhood is Somewhat Like A Ropes Course

"The juxtaposition of" a Mother's Day that photographed well with the Mother's Day my niece Aneka had was never lost on me.

Snow Day: Bargaining, Bartering and Blood

School was cancelled yesterday due to what may be the last snow storm of the season.
Because the girls were home, that post I was intending to write did not get written, as I am most comfortable writing when I have the house to myself.
I looked out the window and wanted to conquer the weather with an outdoor run.
It was 18 degrees and the girls were both still in bed.
I waited until 10 AM to wake them and then started begging, pleading and bartering with them to go for a run with me.
At first they would not have any part of it.
In an effort to change their mind, I offered:
-no piano practice
-no yard dog poop pick up
-no dog walk
in exchange for 20-30 minutes of their life running out in the cold with me.
I told them that I did not really want to to do it, but that I needed them to help motivate me.
I explained that I wanted the chance to be able to say that I ran in snowy conditions before spring.

Still nothing.
So I offered: unlimited access to screens (TV, phone, computer all day.)
I hooked one: K was the first to cave.
She liked the idea of a day free of my nagging and cajoling.
Then someone (I can't remember if it was K or G) suggested that in exchange for the run, I take them to the mall.

If you are unaware of this nugget about me:
I HATE THE MALL.
I NEVER GO THERE.
ESPECIALLY NOT A MALL 13 MILES AWAY.

Maybe out of desperation, I agreed.
But I tossed piano and song back into the equation.

Snowy We-fie

We ended up going for a 30 minute run.
They fulfilled the music portion of our day.

Then I paid with FOUR hours at the mall.
Speaking of bloody,

G even got me to concede to a cartilage piercing.

Prayer.
Only prayer got me through the day.

I prayed during the run.
I prayed during the drive.
I prayed during discussions about purchasing appropriate clothing.
I prayed during the piercing.
I prayed during the trip home.

Only prayer got me through the day.
With prayer, nothing is impossible.

10 Lessons Learned From Steve's 50th:

“Be careful not to let yourselves become occupied with too much feasting and drinking and with the worries of this life, or that Day may suddenly catch you."
~Luke 21:34

1."Drop off Catering" means to order food from a catering service, where they deliver it but don't serve it.  Say this at the very beginning of your inquiry so that the catering people don't make pushy appointments to do a home inspection. (True story: I had to cancel a company because they wanted to do a site evaluation of my house. drop off catering, drop off catering...remember that term.)
The caterer that didn't need to give my home a rectal, got the job and they were excellent. (thanks ck)

2. 10 cases of beer, 4 cases of wine and 10-12 bottles of various liquor is sufficient for 80 people.

3. For a special event like a 50th b-day, splurging on a bartender and two servers is worth it.

4. Throwing a party is a very good motivator to clear the house of clutter.

5. Prepping the house for the party, has saved the rabbit's life.  The rabbit's relocation from our dining room to our second floor turned out to be a good move.  Now that G has to navigate around his large enclosure to get to her bedroom or bathroom, she remembers to feed and water him.

6. Knowing that you will host a dozen people to stay over after the party, forces you to really clean well, or get creative in disguising your mess.

7. Speaking of creative and unusual, setting up food in an unlikely place (our basement ping-pong room) prevented a bottle-neck sich.  In the unlikely event of another party this large,  it is good to remember to think outside the box.

8. It is good to stay sober if you are hosting a large party, so that if your teenager defies you in the middle of her dad's 50th bday celebration, i.e. does not come home at the assigned time, don't freak out. Just jump in the car and get her. (#sogladIwassober)

9. Do set aside the desire to wring the daughter's neck until after the last guests departure the next afternoon, because you must:

10. Be ready to sing karaoke or play ping pong after the party until 4 am.


Glad you had a Happy Birthday, Steve.

Today

I am not really a back-to-back kind of event participant.
My nature is to want to recharge in-between gigs.
But in the words of The Rolling Stones, 'we can't always get what we want..."

Today:
Steve wants to do a "Winterfest" up at the camp 90 miles away.
I want to stay home to clean and organize (and curl up into fetal position)
K wants to hang out with friends and then participate in a track meet 100 miles away (not in the same direction) first thing tomorrow.
While G wants a belated birthday celebration with eight friends at the camp during aforementioned Winterfest.
.
So, how does this living consciously work when my family seems like an exploded bag of nuts?
I guess after speaking up, the next step is to allow life to happen.

This is an experiment for me.
My old self would have stood my ground or decided to stay home.
But my newish self attempting a conscious life,  is experimenting with going with the flow and trusting that with good intentions, all will be well.

I've entrusted the 16 year old to someone I lend my good air-matresses to. (and I don't just lend those out freely)
I will shed the idea that I am not really ready to host a 14th birthday party at the property
and instead, I am going to embrace this Winterfest idea.
Ice skating and ice hockey on a pond, hiking and ATV rides through the cold, bonfire building in different areas, sledding...(which reminds me, we don't have sleds...)
And food,  I must go and get food...

Life is too short to keep resisting.
I shall take care of these eight other "air-matresses" entrusted to my care to help G belatedly celebrate her birthday.
I am hoping to prove that another key to a happy peaceful life is to just always do one's best, while surrendering the outcome.

And I take strength in this Bible verse:
"But his answer was: "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak."
I am most happy, then, to be proud of my weaknesses, in order to feel the protection of Christ's power over me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

The Power Of Now and Learning To Drive

This is a treat, this here--sitting on my rocking chair and writing on my blog.
It feels slightly wrong to be doing this right now.  Like it is extremely self-indulgent, when I have other goals for myself.
Like going through my house and giving away our excess to the Veterans of America.
With this mini writing break, I am rewarding myself--or broadcasting my need to celebrate that I survived Christmas and travel and Christmas travel.
Using the word survived, seems out of place for an occasion that is purported to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Especially with my new found faith, it seems even doubly wrong.

(Okay, on second thought,  I shall go back to looking for stuff to give away before the New Year.
While I sort and clear stuff I shall ponder  this blog post.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~
11 big bags and 5 boxes later for the Veterans
and 15 bags of trash out of my house for trash day, I can now write.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I say survived because I feel like that is what I did.
Any time I step out of the comfort zone of my home, I am not only surviving, but I am also learning.

In the book The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle,
Tolle writes about the vulnerability and insecurity of the ego.
He makes it a point to even specify that even the most seemingly confident people, have egos that are constantly under threat.
This emotion comes across as fear.
He says that ultimately, all fear is the ego's fear of death.

Then he goes on to say that:
"Even such a seemingly trivial and "normal" thing as the compulsive need to be right in an argument and make the other person wrong- defending the mental position with which you have identified-is due to the fear of death." (p. 36)

I have read and heard this line many times, but have had a difficulty really comprehending it until our recent drive home from Rochester.
As I mentioned earlier, Steve was driving like a maniac on the interstate.
But since he is a skilled and excellent driver, I just kept my eyes closed while doing some sort of prayer-meditation thing.
The inability to grasp zen straws started once he decided to let our student driver get behind the wheel.
K is not an experienced driver. She got her permit in mid-november and has not had much opportunity to practice. So when Steve decided that she should take over and drive 65 mph, I became edgy.
But it was when he instructed her to switch to cruise control that my ego spoke up.
Loud and clear.
Yes, I was totally and completely identified with the mental position that student drivers should not use cruise control until they have mastered the ability to control the vehicle at high speeds.
I put my foot down.
I was adamant that I was not about to back down from what I believed.
I may have even threatened to jump out of the car, I don't remember.
It was an out of body experience.
But right in that moment I suddenly got just how my need to be right was directly related to my fear of death.
~~~~~
Only days later did I ponder Steve's point of view.
His need to be right, was related to fear of being "that incompetent car driving inconsistent speeds on the interstate."
Incompetence=non-survival.
Or as Eckart Tolle puts it, the ego thinks that "to be wrong is to die."
Countless relationships have broken down over this need to be right.
Now I get it.

Christmas Spirit

The book, The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary  has made something blatantly clear to me and that is, I am a long way from being a conscious parent.
I am particularly unconscious once I become frustrated, or experience fear, or an old buried hurt of mine becomes reactivated by something happening in real time.

It is really interesting.
If it were not my own life, I might even be entertained by just how interesting it is.
But it is my life and when I become so unconscious that I end up shaking and slapping my teenaged daughter on Christmas eve--I know that this is not entertaining.

I lost it a few hours before Christmas mass on the 24th.

But first, let me backtrack.
I often allude to my dysfunctional family of origin, however when I was growing up, Christmas brought out the best in us.
Not only was I wowed by the idea of Santa Claus but growing up in a large family (nine kids + 2 parents) we were somehow trained to be thoughtful of each other.
We practiced Kris Kringle, where in the beginning of the Christmas season we would draw one name and secretly give notes and little treats daily to our "baby" until the big reveal on Christmas day.
For Christmas, each one of us would save up and use all our money to shower gifts on each other.
We were not wealthy...so were not wading in excess during the holiday, and we truly found joy in sacrificing for each other. (At least that is how I remember it.)

In the house I grew up in, Christmas was meaningful.

From Santa we got one special thing, from our parents, usually one item of clothing,

from each other, something small but thoughtful.

It was nice.

Food was simple but we enjoyed our Christmas staples.

(Today we still joke about the tins of hard candy--lemon drops--our mom would purchase for all of our school gift exchange needs--we used to get anxious that whomever drew ours would hate it)

Here I am today, a grown woman, mother to two teenagers.
I experience agitation and hyper sensitivity to self indulgent behavior and thoughtlessness.
Trying to duplicate the warm and fuzzy feeling of Christmas I had growing up, I instituted 'Secret Santa' not only for my side of the family but for Steve's as well.
The more uncooperative my children were about helping me replicate thoughtfulness, the angrier I got...until the unpleasantness came to a head on the 24th.

Miraculously, we made up in time for mass and by the time we started our tradition of visiting friends and celebrating Christmas by ourselves close to midnight.

The next day, the 25th, Steve woke up with the flu.
So the girls and I left him home alone on Christmas day to be ill in peace--and we made the drive to visit Steve's family, who gathered at his parents' place 75 miles away.
We had a nice Christmas meal and did our Secret Santa which was mostly a pleasant experience.
My bro-in-law Tim drew me--and I loved how he playfully put a lot of creative thought and effort into my gift.
That to me, is the spirit of Christmas.
I loved it.

Unfortunately there was one unpleasant exchange that happened and I will write down the lessons I learned from it:

1. People who are angry, tend to invite anger directed at them. (I think I carried residual anger from the previous day--and also maybe I was resentful that Steve was sick on Christmas day)
2. Things that make us angry today are not really about what is happening in real time. It is usually about an unhealed hurt from when we were young. When D snarked about something I got her, I think I was reverted back to my young-shamed-tin-of-lemon-drops-gifting-self.
3. We can use these present day triggers to heal our past by identifying its root--and gripping it tightly in our hearts, allowing ourselves to fully feel it, before letting it go.
4. Angry adults, were hurt children. (but they don't have to be. See #3)
5. Understanding someone's pain, does not mean not setting up boundaries.

The book, The Conscious Parent, is not only changing how I view parenting but it is also changing me as a person.
Granted that I am far from being constantly conscious, I am definitely becoming rapidly aware when I am unconscious--and my teen agers, they don't let me forget it either.
Such is life.
I am a work in progress.

Don't Dread, Don't Dwell: Just Do It.

Yesterday I got up at 5 AM and walked Pax. I had a long day ahead of me.
The Diocesan.
G's big race up a big hill 45 miles away.
Once the dreary forecast seemed imminent, I actually drove out of my radius last friday night (a Walmart not near my house) and bought two large camping tents to help keep the runners warm and dry. I also made sure to pack umbrellas.

(Instant camping tents by Ozark Trail)
Product Review: These tents are so easy to set up! I'm a believer! I can do an infomercial on them! And they are incredibly reasonably priced compared to my tent from REI.

It was very windy, rainy, and cold.
The tents withstood the elements but unfortunately, not my umbrella.

It got so windy at some point that my umbrella actually disintegrated. Frame snapped off the thingy.
So I had to throw it away, mid-rain. I'm laughing right now, just remembering it.

I was so uncomfortably cold that I don't really remember all the details of the day.
But I did make a conscious effort not to complain about the cold.
Not complaining is like taking the medication Versed. You feel the pain but you don't remember it after it's done.
The children did well (G got 27th place!) and they all seemed to have fun.

Did I mention that it was muddy? I broke down the camp after over 6 hours out there.
Do you know that despite how easy it was to take down my Instant Camping Tent by Ozark Trail, it is not so easy to put it back in its carrying case when it is wet and muddy?
I did not know this.
So I just stuffed the tents  into my little car in all its muddy glory.
Not complaining made the packing up go smoothly.

Before we parted ways after the Diocesan, the parents presented JB and me with some really thoughtful presents. They were very nice gifts, that I unexpectedly teared up after receiving it.
It was, by far, the mother-of-all-coaching-presents.
I think the cold and wet conditions made me emotional.
Anyhow, feeling appreciated as a coach reminds me how important it is to always express my appreciation to others.

We left the Diocesan and I drove like a mad woman to get back home to  change out of my damp  clothes, unload the muddy tents, and let the dog take a bathroom break before heading out again.
This time we were on our way to meet CK and company.
They had invited us to go zip lining.

I was still tired and cold when we jumped back into the car.
It was drizzling.
I texted CK: Rain or shine?
(I was secretly hoping she would cancel because I was exhausted)
I should have known that her simple response would be: yes.

None of us had any idea of what to expect with the local Boy Scouts sponsored Zip line.
It was at a camp ground that I had no idea existed 5 miles from my house.
Camp Guyasuta.
The low budget signs advertising the event made us think that it might be for little children.
We were pleasantly surprised as
It was not a lame zip line.
1000 feet long, 130 feet high was not lame at all.
(Will mark my calendar for October 17, 2015 because we plan to do this again.)

After being unexpectedly pushed out of our comfort zone, we had dinner at CK's.
We did not get home until 11 pm.
In total I drove 100 miles yesterday.
This is so unlike me to double book myself because I always factor in cocoon time in between commitments, whenever possible.
After a really great evening I realize how important it is to just ALLOW LIFE TO HAPPEN.