Apparently this floating 10 foot high diving dock was not the most dangerous thing in the property this weekend.

A Bible Verse For Depression:

"Aeneas, Peter said to him, Jesus Christ makes you well, get up and make your bed."
-Acts 9:32

This verse from the Bible,  is becoming a favorite of mine.
It is a very simple yet powerful one that helps me through my sporadic depressive episodes.
Last weekend I had a mild case of it but I somehow prayed and faked my way through it enough to enjoy the weekend with my family and some friends.

I was recently contemplating this particular verse and the verses after it.
Did you know that in the aftermath of Jesus' death and resurrection, that Peter was not only able to heal people in Jesus' name but also raise someone from the dead? (See Acts 9:32-42)
I did not know this.
The only dead raising story I knew of was about Jesus raising Lazarus.

But how did Peter get to have Jesus' power?
I re-read the gospels and stumbled upon an epiphany of sorts.
Jesus predicted that Peter would deny knowing him three times before the cock crows.
Then, as all gospels state, Peter did deny Jesus on three separate occasions.
One might think that Jesus would have been justified in begrudging Peter any power.

But clearly Jesus is forgiving and does not hold a grudge. 

Here in lies the interesting thing: On all three separate denials, the only common person present was Peter.
Meaning, the only reason that Matthew, Mark, Luke or John could even write about Peter's betrayal was by Peter's own admission. <----This is huge!

What does this all mean to me?

It means that our human-ness should not ever deter us from feeling the healing power of God.
But first, we should come clean. (Read James 5:16)
God is a forgiving God.
When we are honest and humble about our weaknesses and our faults we experience the grace and power to get up and make our beds, help not only ourselves but others as well.
I know this.

Life and Death

Last Wednesday, Steve's uncle was rushed from his home 75 miles away to the hospital beside our house.
He was very sick.
Uncle Ted, is was the husband of my father-in-law's sister.
Steve had a good relationship with him, because they had hunted together for years.

The moment we got to the hospital, I was surprised to see that Uncle Ted was communicative and alert.

I knew he was critically ill, and because I did not want to waste any time,  I quickly reminded Uncle Ted about one of my favorite "hunting" stories that included him.

I was not close to him, but that little bit of time I spent with him, I loved.

On Thursday, Uncle Ted was still able to interact.
He even seemed sad when Steve and K left him that Thursday night.
When Friday came, Uncle Ted took a sudden turn and had to be put on a ventilator.

Of all days, that Friday, Steve was having a very long and difficult day at work at another hospital 25 miles away.

I already mentioned that I did not know Uncle Ted well, yet his illness and rapid decline had me in turmoil.
I found myself testing the waters--as to whether I could really believe what I just read recently, that death is a "transformation to a freer life."

Although I found comfort in discovering that Uncle Ted was a man of great faith, confident to face his Creator, it was still not easy to see how painful this whole experience was for his family.

The sudden downward spiral, drew more family from far away to come and see him.
I insisted that our home be their home base due to its convenient location to the hospital.
I did not really know Uncle Ted's family yet somehow we were suddenly made close by the circumstance of impending death.

Preparing our home and bathrooms for seven guests, turned out to be occupational therapy for me as I   made the executive decision (Steve still unreachable due to work emergency) to allow K to go out and ride in a car with a newish-driver-who-is-a-newish-boyfriend.
I also gave permission for G to go skiing with a friend 60 miles away.
Both K and G stayed alive and well.

Saturday was a day.
Uncle Ted's family included us in a meeting about palliative care, comfort measures and when to remove life support. I had nothing but tears to contribute to the discussion.
When we left them that afternoon, I thought that they were going to wait 24 hours before taking action.
I tried to have a glass of wine at home but could not really swallow it.
I knew that I was trying to numb my heavy heart.
So instead of drinking the wine,  I took a two hour nap.
Sleep always makes everything better.
At 5 PM,  I woke from my nap and went with DZ for a 30 minute run.
Just as I was starting to feel less depressed about the day, I found out that Uncle Ted died at 6 pm.

My house guests came to pack up and collect their belongings.
They were not going to need to stay any longer.
Uncle Ted's son, Doug described the scene to me.

He said his brother-law-law Bob was reading from the book of Psalms, while every one else gathered around Uncle Ted, praying and holding him as he "jouneyed."

The whole process took two hours.

That, to me, is what I consider to be a beautiful liberation into a freer life.

Steve and I went out for dinner with DZ/GZ, where I had not one, not two, but three Mojitos.
In a day cloaked in sadness--it was weird to be enjoying a Tijuana hotdog in a bar, while the last thing on the mind of Uncle Ted's wife of 60 years was food.
I felt very compartmentalized.
Life and death kept separate:
Supporting a bereaved family, while still making parenting decisions...
(Can G's friends sleep over? Yes)
Experiencing grief in real time,  touched raw nerves from my own past experiences with the death of loved ones.
Yet this experience truly brought me much more closer to understanding the importance of freeing a soul to soar, unfettered by medical technology or our human desires.

Today is Monday. We will drive to attend the viewing 75 miles away.

At 7:30 this morning I got a flat tire on my way to drop K off at school.
I pulled over to the side of the road, and K proceeded to walk the rest of the way, while I walked to make a roadside assistance call from home.
I did not have my cell phone with me.
As I was walking home I remembered to say a prayer of thanks for all the blessings the flat tire had reminded me of.
1. I was happy that I threw pants on today, as sometimes I drive K to school with just a big coat and my sleeping shirt.
2. I am glad the flat did not occur in the middle of nowhere on the way to the viewing this evening.

My mind focused on not getting derailed by a flat tire.
I recognized that this was nothing in the big scheme of things.
Steve's relatives are right now dealing with their  loss, and the logistics of today and
his funeral tomorrow.
I got back to my house this morning in time to make sure that G got on the school bus and proceeded with my hour of prayer.
I asked very simply for assistance with the car--and that God would order my steps for today.

My car is back in my driveway. I am grateful.
By 9:35 AM I was back on track.

Uncle Ted's birthday is on Wednesday.
He would have been 82.
While I know that his family is grieving his death, I can't help but believe with all my heart that his 82nd birthday is actually going to be the best one yet.
He is right on track.
After all,  there is no place like home.

(And now I shall exercise with JB)

In Below Freezing Temp, This is what was necessary on the last day of 2014.

Commercial Break: I Forgot All About This Picture That Was Emailed To Me Last May.

The first picture was sent to me by my niece Aneka.
She is still in contact with the Daniel Hoffman and Mikaela Ingals.
They met for coffee somewhere in Europe, he lives in Israel and she lives in London.
They wanted to send me a message. But since I have been off Facebook for over a year now, they decided to send it to Aneka, who lives in Manila.

The second picture was taken on my 25th birthday.
These were my preschool students 23 years ago. All their parents worked at the Refugee camp.
Aneka is on my right.
Daniel is the little boy third from left (only his eyes are seen)
Mikaela is the little girl third from right holding a red cup.

When I got this picture, I was
"not feeling very well."
But I remember feeling lifted by the
'Hello Teacher Chesca' message.
The point of this post is this,  when you feel compelled to pick up the phone or send a message to someone--Do it.
You never know how much the person receiving the note may be needing it.
(Within reason of course. Do not message your former dealer or anyone that is not healthy for you)

Like Low Floating Clouds

Clouds close to the ground cast shadows
makes it hard to see.
The rain doesn't help.
Like in my head,
everything looks dark with foggy lenses.
Maybe I don't weep enough.
Like an unfamiliar roller coaster ride-
Twists, turns, falls and rises.
I keep wanting to know, wanting to brace myself, wanting to control,
not wanting the pain,
wanting to make correct decisions, wanting to be brave,
not wanting the shame.
Like a play.
Once the curtains open, I follow the script,  I improvise,  I work with the cast.
Each performance both energizes and drains my soul.
Acting is tiring.
I pray that I am more energized than drained.
I see a break in the clouds though.
This won't last forever.
It can't.
Plus, it is not leukemia,
nor an abnormal mammogram,
nor a husband moving me and my three young sons to Alabama and then asking for a divorce.

How To Increase Your Vibrational Energy

Or What To Do When You've Forgotten To Keep Living The  "Don't Dread, Don't Dwell" Mantra And You End Up In A Deep And Muddy Mental Hole:

The month of May overwhelms me.

It is the month of sports banquets, plays, recitals, first communions, confirmations, graduation parties, concerts, shows, end-of-the-school-year stuff, summer schedule preparations, etc.
This year we also had teen angst, bone scan payments, Steve's dry socket from a wisdom tooth extraction and a broken nose on top of that.
It is also the month of my parents' wedding anniversary and my dad's birthday--which we no longer celebrate since his death a few years ago.

The thing is, when my mind dreads or remembers challenging events, my body responds.
The mind is actually more powerful than the body.
Much more powerful.
This info sucks btw, for someone who, like me,  is prone to depression.

If you have never been depressed, or do not have anyone in your life with this affliction, this post will not interest you. And if that is the case, then I am glad for you. Otherwise, read on...

I thought depression was a thing of the past.
I thought I was completely healed. (It's a miracle!!!)
But this month has made me realize that depression--like alcoholism or diabetes, is never really cured.
However, I believe that managed properly, it is possible to not get completely flattened out by it ever again.
I am in the process of learning how.

Humans are like radios that send out and receive vibrational energy.

Any positive state of being gives off high vibrational energy.

Happiness, joy, contentment, euphoria, glee, generosity, love, forgiveness, kindness, openness, hope, affection, peace, patience, enthusiasm, spaciousness, security, gentleness, thoughtfulness, are examples of states that give off high vibrational energy.

Any negative state of being gives off low vibrational energy.
Depression, sadness, anger, jealousy, fear, insecurity, rage, frustration, aggressiveness, selfishness, resentment, irritation, smugness, indifference and impatience are examples of states  that give off low vibrational energy.

High vibrational energies create more of the same, and of course, low vibrational energies create more of the same too.
The simple act of being grateful for something when you wake up in the morning can set the tone for a high vibrational energy day.
But conversely, being anxious about an upcoming event becomes a magnet for frustration, insecurity, sadness,  etc...until before long some of us become depressed.

When I am depressed, I become extremely sensitive and intolerant of prickly situations.
But life can be full of those.
So the key is to learn how to quickly raise one's vibrational energy.
I recently attended a lecture on increasing vibrational energy.
It was kind of quirky and weird, but I enjoyed it.
I will tell you what I learned-- because if even just one person gets help from this--it helps me, because we are all in this together.

Things To Try When You Are Feeling Depressed:

1. Pray. Your Creator knows the exact content of your heart so no use hiding behind fancy words.  Just spill the beans.

2. Meditate. Take 15 minutes to sit with your mouth shut and your mind wide open. Do not be alarmed if after the 15 minutes are up you realize that you spent your time obsessing about sh**.
Done regularly, meditation quiets the mind.

3. Forgive. Even if forgiveness is not asked for.

4. Whether you are sitting at your desk or standing by your kitchen sink,
position your arms and hands wide open. Make yourself big.
You will feel an internal shift.  Who knows why. Maybe because you'll feel goofy. But who cares. It works.  Maybe that's why priests do it during mass. (Karen if you are reading this, do not do this while biking through Manila traffic)

5. Try Tapping.
I have tried this myself. (I told you May was rough). It can't hurt. And again you feel so silly doing it that it makes you laugh. I think it works. And again, I find it interesting that this new age-y stuff is somewhat still related to the traditional practice of making the Sign of the Cross or beating one's breast during parts of the mass. It's either mind over matter or them Chinese really know their pressure points.

6. Try aromatherapy.
I went out and bought a small bottle of essential oil from Wholefoods called stress relief. I mix it with scent-free body lotion and rub it all over my extremities. Not bad. It's like BenGay for the brain and heart delivered olfactorily and porously.

7. Grab a friend or if you don't have one available--look at yourself in the mirror and smile.
Say the word HAPPY twenty times. The "Ha" breath (breathing out or laughing or I imagine even panting...is soul cleansing)

8. Try running or walking backwards.
I don't remember what the reason was. Maybe to confuse your muscles and get your attention away from whatever it is that is pulling you down.

9. Have a friend "rake" negative emotions of your physical body, and then scoop positive vibes from the earth back to you. Make sure your spouse or significant other does not walk in during the raking, unless you are oblivious to the laughter that may occur. It is very similar to Qigong. 

10. Try earthing. (thanks CK) Sit on grass. This is especially good if you've spent a lot of time on your computer or cell phone. Unplug! Walk on natural surfaces barefoot. Recharge yourself using nature. Spend time with an animal. (Dust bunnies do not count.)

11. Do not drink alcohol when you are feeling low.
You will wake up the next day feeling worse.

12. Eat Well.  Fruits and vegetables. And minimal meat. Nothing processed. Eat fish. Sushi is a great vibe lifter. Eat an avocado and see what happens.

13. Drink lots of water with slices of lemon squeezed in. (thanks CK)

14. Compliment someone sincerely. Even if you are secretly envious of that person. Watch the envy disappear.

15. Help someone with a smile, an act, a kind thought, a prayer, a text, a call, a letter, a message etc.
(thanks MJCY) (thanks SL) (thanks SIL) (thanks SA) (thanks JB) (thanks DZ) (thanks Kar)
(thanks Becks) (thanks TFPers) (thanks Steve)

16. Clean out something. Yes, even if you have to roll yourself out of bed (start with that bed by the way. Make your bed immediately. Saying a prayer while making your bed, even better.) Drag yourself to your bathroom sink or toilet and clean it. It will raise your vibrational energy.

17. Get rid of excess. Now. One bag at a time.

18. Resist the urge to hibernate indefinitely. Even Trappist monks do not go at it alone. (thanks DZ)
Force yourself to be social. Open your heart.

19. Seek out positive and supportive people. I don't mean that your life can not have a few challenging people who you happen to love,  in it.
I just mean, when you need to increase your vibrational energy--you need to recharge around people who either inspire you or whom you inspire.

20. List everything you are grateful for.

I am grateful that May is over. I am grateful I am upright. 

21. Let go of fear.
I will stop dreading May.
Just drop it. Fear is useless.

Fear lowers vibrational energy.  

Faith in God increases vibrational energy.

22. Run and then run some more. (thanks JB)
Or walk.
And if you need to jump start the increase in your vibrational energy:
Try running backwards, with your arms wide open with a smile on your face while saying "happy."
I am grateful to own a treadmill and to have tried this in private.
:)

I Am Just Going Through Yet, Another Cycle

I have learned that blaming others for anything--and I mean anything that is not working in my life only serves to take my focus away from truths and healthy habits.
It is delicious--this blame thing--
It reduces the fat of guilt and unaccountability but unfortunately also leaves me depleted of energy.

For me, the result of constantly blaming and focusing on others' "eye logs" is, to put it quite bluntly:
Depression.

And then I have to claw my way out.

You'd think I would be tired of this cycle and safe guard my mental health better.
But such is life.
I am not going to blame anything or anyone, myself included.
Instead I will just remember:

1. To keep my mental diet blame-free
2. To keep active and moving otherwise the climb out is harder.

(today's post 3 mile run sweaty selfie)

3. To keep focused on what I am grateful for.
4. To keep releasing thoughts as they come in, immediately--otherwise I experience emotional constipation.
5. That:
"Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, He will give you the strength to endure it, and so provide you with a way out."
-1 Corinthians 10:13
6. To keep watching what I put into my mouth (just like over processing thoughts, processed food is just not good for me.) and to keep watching what comes out of it, too.

(today's lunch choice) 

7. To keep healthy and consistent boundaries.
8. To keep attempting to clean, organize and be productive daily
9. To have faith and trust God.
10. This:
"And I will do whatever you ask for in my name so that the Father's
glory will be shown through the son.
If you ask me for anything in my name, I will do it."
-John 14:13-14

Coming up I shall blog about my experience attending a lecture two nights ago on:
"Increasing your vibrational energy"
Or as my dear friend CK puts it so aptly:
"Wellness."
:)

Where Do I Begin?

Ripped

The silver lining in using meditation, prayer and  exercise as a natural anti-depressant is that it is putting me on a daily schedule.
It is making me more a productive human being.
It has made Steve call me "masipag now."
(never mind that he added the modifier "now")

An added bonus is that I am developing some muscles.
While the muscles are not for lifting physically heavy objects, they are certainly handy for  emotional and spiritual weights.
It is such a breakthrough experience for me, that I could be on an infomercial for it.

Anyhow, last night, while I had Steve as a captive audience (he was on the toilet)
I started doing body-builder poses for him in my underwear so that he could fully appreciate the changes.
He responded by asking my 15 yr old to give me a wedgie.

And that is how my granny underwear got ripped.

Blog Deposit

I received a message the other day from a childhood friend.
A "one liner" that informed me that she was having one of those days again.
Just a few days before that, another childhood friend had telephoned me to vent and ask advice about something she was going through.
Unbeknownst to either of them, I too, was going through a few personal challenges myself.
To the friend who was having "one of those days.." I wrote,

Rumi once said, "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

All of us are given unlimited opportunities to distract us from our pain if we open our eyes and heart to the experience.
A stranger's smile,
The beauty of snow,
Someone waving you to move ahead in a traffic jam,
A random elderly woman's kind words,
A touch,
A toddler with Down syndrome wishing peace to fellow church goers,
A dog and a bunny getting along,

A warm blanket in a cold winter day,
are just a few examples of opportunities to feel blessed or hugged by God and/or the universe.

The key is to pay attention and look for them.
Once you start enumerating all that you are thankful for each day--yes even the simplest of things--like pets, running (hot) water, a soft bed...you raise your vibe.

A grateful vibe lifts "one of those days" any day.

I am not suggesting that you pretend that you are not bothered when things manage to bother you.
In fact, I highly recommend that you take notice of it.
Sit in silence with it in your mind, objectively noticing how you feel.
Then make a conscious effort to  physically relax every part of your body before you make the decision to let go or distance yourself of each and every negative thought, fear and feeling that has come up.

Notice, relax and release everything, big and small.

Do this when you are afraid you will wreck while you are driving through a storm.
Do this when a door in the rental house during a ski trip accidentally gets a fist through it.
Do this when your friend's lung collapses during that same ski trip.
Do this when you discover your child has broken your trust.

Do this when you feel your world is falling apart.
Do this when you become afraid that you have not done a good job.
Do this when you fear the worst.
Do this when you feel abandoned.

Notice, relax and release everything.
And then start your litany of gratefulness.
And I mean everything.
Scrape all the nooks and crannies of your life for things to be thankful for.
Do not waste a morsel of blessing.

The results are amazing.

I told my friend to try it.
I told her that coincidentally, I had just gone through a bout of debilitating depression two weeks ago (which was weird because I thought I was cured of that)
But I was able to get back up in less than 24 hours  because I went through my coping strategy checklist almost robotically.
I prayed.
I ran.
I noticed, relaxed and released.

I also reminded her of my favorite biblical anti-depressant in Philippians 4:6-7 which says,
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

To my other friend going through some difficulties in life my advice was this:
Do not look for ways to blame or change the people in your life--past or present-- for your current unhappiness.
Instead, seek to heal yourself.
While I am not saying that I do not think you have any right to feel bad,  that is irrelevant.
The solution is in your reaction or non-reaction to the problem.
The only way to stop contributing to the problem is by actively working on improving and healing one's self.
I suggested she read a few books that might help her.
I gave her five titles but said that they all say the same thing.
She just needs to find the one that she understands.
The books are:
1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
2. The Power Of Now by Eckart Tolle
3. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
4. The Naked Now by Richard Rohr
5. A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson

But before sending her off to the bookstore I gave her crash course on self improvement with the following tips:
1. Be impeccable with your words--in all things. At  work. At home. To yourself.  (what you say about yourself to yourself) or about others.
2. Do not take things personally. EVER.
Nothing people ever do that is hurtful is ever really about you.
It is about their own selves and their own hurts.
3. Do not assume to know.
4. Always do your best. (in everything! health! exercise! work!parenting! laundry! etc)
5. Resist the urge to prove that you are correct. Give up the need for others to know that you are right, even if it is blatantly obvious to you.
6. Let go of your ego.  All of the world's problems are rooted in people being attached to their egos.
7. The way to stop thinking negative thoughts is to: Just Stop.
Replace each negative thought and memory with a positive or grateful thought.
Give up the "but what ifs." All of them.
8. Don't dread and don't dwell.
9. Pray and then Let Go. Resist trying to control everyone and everything.
10. Learn to Love and Forgive everyone.
Even the unlovable.
And when your humanness kicks in and you find yourself struggling to love unconditionally, focus on what and who you can love with ease.

After taking the time to help my friends, I found my own personal burdens lifting.
I was reminded to practice what I was preaching.
In fact I was forced to do so--just so I could truly help by authentic example.
I was able to open up about my current challenges and show her the steps I was taking in order to transcend it all.
It is such an amazing experience to feel the instantaneous rewards of giving up parts of yourself in order  to help others.
I realize that I can confidently help others because of all the difficulties I have experienced in my life.
I also realize that all these hardships that I have gone through have made me a much stronger person.
Every single day I get to see God working in my life, and it is deepening my faith.
I am beginning to see that all the things that have sucked me into a pit of despair are the very same things that have strengthened my connection to God.

Faith is like a muscle. 
Your faith can't get stronger if your faith is never challenged.

And there are less things to fear in life when you have faith.

As The General Manager Of My Family, I Am Glad That I Practice Meditation

Parenting two teenage girls can be tricky.
Due to their young ages,  they (fortunately) haven't yet made terrible mistakes in life.
I, on the other hand, have stumbled through enough life experiences that have given me the credentials to tutor them.

That they have not done much bumbling is the very reason that it is more difficult for them to accept recommendations.

Kika is 15.
She is on the right track academically, but I find myself worrying about how she navigates the social web of high school life.
I toggle between freaking out when she does not follow my instructions and understanding that
some of life's lessons must be learned first hand.

When Kika opens up about things that bother her,  I listen but I also take much of it with a grain of salt.
I tend to loop everything as overwhelm and the newness of high school.
I give her advice based on my life experiences in the hopes that she will be spared teenage angst.
Recently she started complaining about her leg hurting.
I didn't really believe that she was injured but in the interest of getting to the bottom of her pain, she was brought to a doctor.
(This is the second doctor she has seen since high school started btw, but that is another story)

Anyhow, it turns out--this second time there really was something wrong. 

She has a stress fracture that she actually won one cross country race with and although it is not a serious injury, it has ended her freshman high school basketball career before it even started.

Prayer and meditation allow me to see Kika's stress fracture as a gift because:

a)  Her having to sit out basketball this year allows us to reclaim weekends for more family time and

b) Her actually having a stress fracture has taught me the value of really listening to my daughters.

When my daughters tell me their feelings,
I must tune in and understand that their experiences are their reality.
I must encourage them to be authentic.
I must allow them to be themselves instead of forcing them into the role of being the kind of daughters that I would like to show off  them to be.
(uuhm, within reason of course...grinding and twerking are off the table)
I can do my best to guide them and set boundaries for their light to shine but I can do nothing more except have faith and accept that with the best intentions in our hearts, that all will be well.

Gabi is almost 13.
For the most part she manages to fly underneath the radar.
(yes typical second-born)
Considering she is not very competitive, she has had her own victories in cross country and volleyball.
Without the pressure of scrutiny she is finding her own mojo and coming alive, both academically and physically.
I have not had to worry much about Gabi, that is, up until she ended up in the ER the other night.

Gabi was playing at a friend's house last saturday when she and her friends decided to try an internet thumb-blowing hyperventilating game to see if they could make themselves faint.
Gabi with her new found success, successfully fainted but ended up bumping her head when she fell to the floor.
When she woke up seconds later, she was nauseous, had a headache and she noticed that her vision was partially obscured.
As she told me this on the drive home, I struggled to remain calm.
But after she started vomiting once we got home (would it be wrong to admit how grateful I was that she did not throw up in our car?)
I knew that a trip to the ER was inevitable.
With God's grace, the only thing Gabi suffered from was a mild concussion.
It could have been so much worse.

Prayer and meditation allow me to see Gabi's concussion as a gift because:
a) It alerted us to the level of curiosity and stupidity that she and her group of under-the-radar friends are in--and it opened up the conversation about--well,  stupid sh** kids do,  that can end badly.
b) It reminded me that experience is the best teacher, and if the experience does not kill you, consider yourselves blessed.

This portion of parenting may be challenging, but it is certainly strengthening my prayer muscles.
I am almost to the point of being able to surrender. (Almost)
I pray for everything.
Last night, Steve (I think mockingly--I am not certain) requested that we pray that the Steelers win.
So Gabi and I prayed.
After they lost rather badly, Steve pointed this out. (I think mockingly--I am not certain)
I said to him,

Our ability to pray is not so that we can manipulate God.
We pray so that we learn to change ourselves into being more trusting and accepting of God's Will.

My daily practice of prayer and meditation is changing my insides in ways that astound me.

(although it may not yet be obvious to the naked eye)
It is making me trust that there is a God that lovingly paints the big picture of our lives.
It is slowly but surely giving me the ability to walk into that big picture without fear.

Reset Button

The reset button writing technique is a device used by writers to interrupt the flow of a fictional story.
It is an action or a plot put in, that allows the audience to experience the death of the lead character, in order to be able to continue the story in a believable fashion.

My Reset Button is happening this coming May 5th, when I run in my first (and last) Half Marathon.

I Could Use Some Hot Soup Right Now.

I just finished reading a book that I borrowed from DZ called, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
The cover states that it is a book about nonreligious thoughts about Christian spirituality.
I liked it.
I liked how reading it felt like I was having an interesting conversation with an unfamiliar visitor.
I realize I enjoyed this particular visit because I did not have to change out of my sleeping clothes.
I could tune in and tune out of the conversation without appearing rude and most of all, I did not have to put on my "open face" (the face I wear when I interact with people).
I cracked up today when I read the author describe himself as a cordless screwdriver that needed many hours of charging for just a little bit of use.
Just yesterday I had answered my friend JB's text with a quick: I am recharging.
And today, when my other angel SL would not stop texting me until I responded with a grunt (her words)
I texted her the cordless screwdriver line that I had just read. (I did not credit it to Miller though)

I AM recharging.

Despite the very minimal traveling and holiday socializing we did (mostly dabbled really)
I was SPENT.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy to celebrate the holidays.
I was glad that I did not really have to put on my "open face" unwillingly.
The holidays just emptied me out.
And the routine necessary for me to be upright was not too easy to keep.
But I am getting back on track, starting with a workout tomorrow with CK.

Speaking of visitors filed under the  "I needed my 'open face' for"---
The other day, Fr. James B. Reuter, the priest that officiated in the weddings of my parents, two of my sisters and one brother--I think he also baptized all of us--died.
He was 96 years old.
When the Silvas were still all together, we would have these once-a-year dinners with him.
It was the only time that we ever sat at our formal dining table since we normally gathered in the kitchen.
My only memories of this beautiful table were of the dinners with Fr. Reuter and of my evenings spent sitting at it, struggling with math homework.











Coincidentally, a day before Fr. Reuter died, this very table that reminded me of him was sold.
It was sold because the house I grew up in is also in the process of being sold.
It is a challenging time and process and it marks yet another chapter of the Silva family's life that is either closing, opening or both.
(methinks this may be contributing to my feelings of depletion)
Anyhow, as I trolled the internet reading up on the various thoughts and memories people had posted about Fr. Reuter's life and death-
I stumbled upon a completely unrelated young Jesuit priest's essay about life and our purpose.

A line struck me. Got me out bed actually.

God entrusts us with the lives of others even when many times we cannot even manage our own.
-Francisco Alvarez, SJ

How powerful and what a reminder for me to just keep on trucking.
I am going through something right now but it is nothing that I can't handle with faith.
(not the country singer).
And I have tools!

After I post this, I shall prepare a large, hot steaming bowl of wanton shrimp noodle soup.
One must be properly nourished to live a purposeful life after all.
And then I shall bathe my dog.
Happy New Year.

I Tackled Something Last Friday That Was Huge.

It was not easy.
Anyhow, something about that experience allowed me get up and race the next morning.
~~~~~~~~~~
Last saturday morning was not the perfect day to run in a 5k race.
It was cold and raining.
I was prepared for the temperature (I had purchased a nice pair of running tights) but I was not ready to get wet.
The moment the feeling of dread popped into my head, I did not pretend that I was not dreading it, but I did not dwell on it either. I just let the feeling pass through.
The course was wet and a bit slippery but I kept running anyway.
My thought was that it will be over soon, and that
the unpleasant condition I am in right now, will not last forever.
I pushed myself so hard that at the 4th kilometer, I ended up throwing up a little bit in my mouth and then having to swallow it. (I am aware that's gross) but when I was asked why I did not just spit it out, I explained that if I leaned over to let it out--then the vomit flood gates would have opened and then I would have had to stop.
There's a time to keep things in and a time to let it out.
I ended up having a good race finishing at the exact pace I was hoping for.
My time was 27.29 which is a pace of 8.52 minutes/mile.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day was Sunday, which was the East End Cross Country Championships for Kika and Gabi.

Gabi told me that she was not feeling well enough to run.
She said she could run, but that it would not be her best run. (she is a middle of the pack runner)
I listened to her and said that she did not have to decide at that moment whether she was to run or not.

She told me that she would run if I ordered her to.

But then since none of us know what is going on inside the mind of another,

I refused to make that decision for her.

I told her to pray about it.

She ended up opting out of the race and said she would save her self for the big Diocesan-wide final race coming up in less than 4 days.

Then... she ended up having a miraculous recovery for her volleyball game that evening. :)

Kika on the other hand, told me that she was nervous.
She had not ever come in first (but had been consistently in the top group of runners)
She said that this is her last chance to attempt getting first place at the middle school level.
I told her,  that it is never one's last chance to do one's best.
It was another cold day.
I offered her the use of either my UnderArmour long-john type tights to wear or my new running tights.
She said she would wear whatever was clean.
I told her neither of them were freshly laundered.
She chose to wear my new (but previously sweated in from my 5k race) running tights.
(yes, I know that is gross too)
She ended up winning first place against an extremely fast runner, and they both ended up breaking away from the pack and making a course record with their time.
(She was probably running fast so that she could get out of those tights.....)

Watch the 17 second video of her finish here:
~~~~~~~~~~
Watching her do this really showed me that when you pray for something you want, put forth your intentions and work towards it, I mean really work towards it--you can and will achieve it if it is in God's game plan for you.
However, despite the fact that I was almost overcome with emotion watching her win
(that is my voice in the video exclaiming "Oh my God.")
I also remembered that:
Nothing is permanent.
That joyous moments can get quickly marred by something unpleasant and vice versa, uncomfortable situations can get balanced out by exhilarating experiences.
The key is to be in the moment, but not get hooked by it.
The moment you get hooked, you get attached to the desired outcome.
For me, the ability to stay unhooked is only possible through prayer.
And that is precisely what helped me tackle last friday's 'huge.'

I have been praying more and more these days--for everything.

I pray for guidance on how to parent my kids, and I am learning to surrender the outcome.

Surrender the outcome. 

I am trying to make this a way of life for myself.
It helps me parent, be a wife, be a friend, be a sister and be part of my community. 

Now that I am a "runner," I realize that living a prayerfully surrendered life is very much like running hills.
It's a challenge that gets easier the more I train.
~~~~~~~~~~
On a different topic, last night (monday) I had tested the patience of a volleyball referee.
I was the line judge at the varsity game.

After it became apparent that I was incompetent,  he actually summoned me to approach his tower to ask me:

"So did the ball pass inside the antenna or outside the antenna?" (yes he was exasperated)

I looked up at him, and sheepishly admitted:

"I was not watching."

He sighed, smiled kindly and then waved me back to do a mediocre job of line judging.

It's not like I was not trying.

But I just come from  'working the door' (collecting admission money from the spectators) and before that I had helped coach the Junior Varsity game.

My mind had somehow not caught up with what my body was doing.

Anyhow, I noticed how absolutely freeing it is to be honest with the ref instead of pretending to know the answer.

That was actually a good experience.

Be Well.

Shame

I was steeling myself for an uncomfortable situation.
G's science fair.
While this might seem like an innocuous event to most, this was not the case for me.
I prefer to hide the ugly.
When I don't feel good about myself, I stay home.

But not yesterday.

My duty as mother prevailed and despite instinct, I put myself out there.

I mean really out there.

Have I ever told you that I do not like my feet?

I have very long toes, and both big toes are shorter than the second toes.

They are quite remarkable. I know this, because...people have remarked.

Although I have become better about my foot shame, as much as possible though, I've avoided exposing them.

Yesterday was a different story.

G needed an adult foot for her experiment involving Rogaine and toenail growth.

She tried to use Steve's toenail, but since the experiment called for painting the toenail to record the growth, he declined.

Bravely, I allowed her to use my foot.

With accompanying documentation, my exposure for the sake of science was complete.

I thought that this was just a school-time display (for this is how K's science fair was just a week ago)

so imagine my dismay when I discovered that parents were expected to be there.
All parents. Including me and a poster board full of unflattering photographs of my toes.

Shame is an interesting thing.

Shame, sometimes confused with guilt, both seem intertwined with embarrassment.

As I understand it,

Shame is when you fear abandonment as a result of people finding out something about you that you've kept hidden.

Supposedly, guilt is when you fear punishment.

I thought guilt meant feeling horrible after you've chosen to do something bad. Period. Punished or not.

In his book, 'Healing The Shame That Binds You,' author John Bradshaw states that toxic shame is induced, inside children, by all forms of child abuse.

Incest and other forms of child sexual abuse can cause particularly severe toxic shame.

Toxic shame often induces what is known as complex trauma in children who cannot cope with toxic shaming as it occurs and who dissociate the shame until it is possible to cope with it.

Psychologist Anne Gross writes a very informative piece about overcoming the toxic emotion of shame here.
It is a good read for anyone who lives with shame or loves someone who might suffer from debilitating shame.
A few weeks ago,
I wrote about Brene Brown and vulnerability.
Brown discovered that people like to be connected.
Shame (fear of disconnection) is what severs connection.
She explained that shame is a part of us that says,
"is there something about me that if other people know it or see it, that I won't be worthy of connection?"
"No one wants to talk about shame. The less you talk about it, the more you have it."
(both quotes from her TED talk)

Back to the science fair.
In an effort to shield myself, I wore a hat.
I walked in but immediately felt extremely exposed.
I endured it for as long as I could, then I promptly left--leaving G to catch a ride with JB.
On my way out, I told G that if she won, she was to turn to the other Asian mother in the room and call her "mom" so that people would think it was that woman's foot. (G did not win)

Seriously though, please understand that I am not just dealing with a simple case of Toe Dysmorphic Disorder.
In the interest of vulnerability let me allow you a little peek into my kimono.
I weed-whack through many issues that have secretly plagued me throughout my life, and am fortunate that I am relatively upright however, I realize that residual crap will bob up to the surface until I learn to love, accept and forgive myself.
When I start loving myself unconditionally (not to be mistaken for egotistically), then I will be better equipped to love others.
So today I shall start by loving my toes.
Every inch of them.

I Bought These For Myself This Morning.

"What you do for yourself-any gesture of kindness, any gesture of gentleness, any gesture of honesty and clear seeing toward yourself-will affect how you experience your world. In fact, it will transform how you experience the world. What you do for yourself, you're doing for others, and what you do for others, you're doing for yourself."
~Pema Chodron: author of 'Start Where You Are.'

I've been reading this book intermittently.
It is not easy to read.
In fact last night when I had trouble sleeping, I started reading it and it knocked me out.
You should get this book.
It is written by a buddhist nun. Do not let its Kung Fu-esque content turn you away.
I like how she writes honestly about the messiness of life and how she directs her readers to acknowledge their faults instead of repressing them.
I am nowhere near being done with this book (As I said, its not easy to read)
But what I am getting so far is this:
1. Living honestly helps humans work around their flaws.
2. Admit our yuckiness to ourselves but do not kick yourself (for an extended period of time!) be more gentle and less harsh--
3. We can start right now. When we mess up, we can start again.
I plan to put myself in lockdown and read this book from cover to cover.
If I do not answer texts, emails or phonecalls it is because I am busy enjoying my flowers while starting where I am.
Have a great weekend everyone.
Be Well.

It Is When I am Feeling A Bit Off That I Start Questioning The Existence Of God.

What does that say about me?
It is dreary, wet and cold here today and I find it quite challenging to see how that can be considered a blessing.
When life is going well, I am quite aware and secure in the presence of God but when I am low, I start pondering and doubting.
This story  about an 18 year old's experience with death
made me read THIS today. And then it made me think about
my own nephew's experience with death and it has helped redirect me.
I am going to change this trait of being such a fair-weathered pray-er.
I shall start by praying for fairer weather.

It All Makes Sense To Me Now. (A long post)

I have been going through a few rough spots lately.
And when I am not busy being self-absorbed, I have been worrying about people I love.
When I stress or get overwhelmed, I find that concentrating on something other than what I am worrying about- is extremely helpful.
So, As part of my self imposed therapy, I have started crocheting.
Crocheting.
I know.
Who knew?
I had no idea that I could crochet until recently.
My daughters' friend Julia was learning to crochet.
Her interest, sparked the interest in my two daughters and so they asked me if I could purchase crocheting supplies for them.
One day, on our way to cross country practice, I bought a couple of hooks and a few balls of yarn. Recalling an art class from when I was 10, I showed them how to do a basic chain.
It was while teaching them how to crochet, that I suddenly found an odd sense of peace, settling within me.
There is something about the repetitive motion of hooking and plotting of loops that engages my brain in a way that distracts me from anxiety.
I find that by maintaining eye contact with nothing else but the knots I create with my own hands, I am able to block out the chaos of life live-streaming around me.
Then I discovered that if I pray while I am crocheting, it just ratchets up the peace in my mind.
It was while crocheting that I had a revelation about my dad and his unceasing ability to pray.

My dad was constantly muttering blessings, salutations, prayers and intentions.

Always with a rosary at the ready,

He would say the rosary not just once a day, but at times, many many times a day.

I never really understood why he did this.

I thought that chanting rote memorized words could not possibly be effective in reaching his intended audience.

However, with this new gift--yes, I do consider crocheting a gift--
I now understand my father and the efficacy of his incessant rosary praying.
It is because of all of this, that I have somehow been able to sidestep past an abyss of depression.
Recently, even if I did not feel like it, I returned a few phone calls.
One of those calls was to my friend Jeannine who spoke the words:
"It's Not An Option."
She was referring to how she blows through life's trying moments.
What is not an option?
Allowing the challenges to win is not an option.
I found that inspiring.
Last saturday night I had the evening to myself.
Both Kika and Gabi were out at respective parties and Steve was at an out-of-town football game.
I was tempted to just pull the covers over my head and "recharge."
However, since I had already done that the previous day and wanted to be proactive about making sure that 'depression was not an option,' I decided to go out on a date with myself.
I went to see the movie, Ides of March.
Before I sat down with my popcorn, I made sure that I turned my cell phone ringer off.
So when a high pitched sonar sound rang through the entire darkened theater, I was fairly confident that I was not the culprit.
In fact, I was kind of smug, and a little bit judgmental about the idiot that neglected to be considerate of fellow movie go-ers.
You know the usual embarrassed scramble one makes when their cell phone dings in a forbidden venue?
I found it strange that not one person budged.
As the high pitch sound continued, the woman beside me turned to me and so I asked her in a stage whisper, "whose phone is that??"
She shrugged and then pointed to my coat pocket that was suspiciously lighting up the darkness.

Apparently Steve, who was worried when he could not get a hold of me, decided to make use of the "locate my iphone app" that-I-had-forgotten-about-and-now-know-is-exempt-from-the iphone's-vibrate-mode.
(BIG EYES, profuse sweat, desire to get swallowed up by my puet: check, check, check)
But the saturday night crowded theater was politely forgiving, which was quite refreshing.
After the movie, I went out to eat.
By the time I got home, I felt somewhat victorious over the big D and ended up with more conviction to keep saying yes to life.

Which was good because I needed my A-game to take kids trick or treating in the cold and rainy weather of last monday.

And to continue in my quest to keep moving forward,
yesterday, I said yes to learning how to bake a pie for the first time in my life.
I said yes to a breakfast of vegetable lasagna and coffee with my friend Donna.
Then I went home and proceeded to make two different pots of delicious soup and then
baked a pecan pie -pictured here.

Also yesterday, my friend Stephanie L invited us to go and walk in her church's labyrinth.
Since I am trying to be in the habit of saying yes to the possibility of enriching experiences, I told her that the girls and I would meet her and her girls there. (her daughter is Julia, the one that introduced crocheting to us)
I told Gabi that a labyrinth is a cool maze built with hedges and walls that we can explore and find our way out of.
I told Kika to wear comfy shoes.

When we got there, I discovered that there were no hedges.
After doing a quick readjustment of our expectations,
Gabi ended up doing the Labyrinth prayer walk about 7 times and Kika said she felt inspired to write a story as she was walking it.
I realized that I felt similar to how I feel when I crochet.
As I was walking the prayer labyrinth I could not help but go down a checklist of people in my life that would enjoy this sort of thing and I am quite certain that my dad is one of them.
With a healthy serving of pie after, of course.
Which is what we had.
Of course.

Wouldn't it be great if life were like a modem that just needed to be unplugged and re-set

every once in a while?

I've been stuck lately. 

So stuck that I've had the urge to pull the covers over my head and keep it there.

It has been so tempting to take a break from being me,  however, having a family means that a webbed life of commitments and tasks need attention all the time.  

It is because of them that I keep on going.

As I walk, drive, scrub, feed, guide, interact, wipe, wait and stare at myself in the mirror 

(not necessarily in this order) 

I have been pondering and praying.

A friend of mine turned my attention to a book called:

"Start Where You Are" by Pema Chodron.

If you are stuck, you must read this.

Then ponder and pray with me.

Be Well.