Birthdays and the Effort of Surprise part 2

https://exskindiver.blogspot.com/2015/12/birthdays-and-effort-of-surprise.html

The tradition Elaine started continues in 2022 

(Happy Birthday Elaine 2/23)

Meet my new friend Jen. 

She celebrated her birthday yesterday.

I met her a few months ago when I sent her an email about sharing yoga at a facility that she is the executive director for.

The site is still under renovation so I have not started yet, but nevertheless we are now connected through social media.

When she announced that she was celebrating the success of her fundraiser and celebrating her 2/22/22 birthday by wearing a tutu, I felt compelled to surprise her.

I have to tell you I was nervous to do it.

Did I mention that we aren’t close friends?

Plus, it was a rainy day, not really the best day to be traipsing around in a tutu.

Also, when I arrived at the place where I thought she would be- she wasn’t there. Awkward. 

I was directed to go to a different office.

Aaaaargh. I almost chickened out. 

But I remembered again my dear friend Elaine who did something similar for me on my 15th birthday. (See link above)

So I went anyway.

The look on her face when I walked into her office made everything worth it.

A Visit From An Old Friend

A few days ago Steve noticed a cat on our porch.
The cat would leave as soon as it saw someone but would return once the porch was empty.
Then Kika came home one night at and gave it water and food and so it was no longer afraid of us.
He came right up to us and sat on our laps when we sat out in the porch. (it was unseasonably warm this week)
The cat wanted to come inside our house.

But we didn't let it in because of our dog, rabbit, gerbil and also because we wanted the cat to be able to go back to its home.
The cat didn't have a collar,  but he certainly did not act like a stray.
When the girls asked if we could keep the him if we could not find the owners, Steve was adamant.
He said, "I'm not a cat person" and Kika is allergic. (which she is.)
However, for some strange reason, despite Kika's cuddling with this cat, it was not making her eyes swell up.
Anyhow, we set out to find the owners.
I posted pictures on Facebook and on the local neighborhood website.
Then Kika and I took the cat to the vet to have him scanned for an identification microchip.
The cat did have a chip but when the vet called the chip company, the phone number attached to the chip was disconnected.
But the company said that the chip was bought and implanted by the Animal Rescue League in 2002.
We were so surprised to find out that he was over 16 years old.
And, the date it was implanted was December 3rd, which happens to be my birthday.
I called the ARL and gave them the microchip number but they too came up with a dead end for the owner.
I sent them photos of the cat and all of my information.
Meanwhile, the ARL told me to bring the cat in and they would find it a new home.
The prospect of taking a 16+ year old cat to the animal shelter did not appeal to us.
Steve suddenly had a mysterious change of heart.
Somehow this cat nuzzled his way into our life.
We decided that the only way he was leaving us was if we found his owners.
We bought supplies "cat people" buy.

We got a collar and a tag with his new name "Wendell" and my cell phone number listed on the other side.
We loved him for an entire day.
Until the Animal Rescue League called me back telling me that they found Wendell's owner.
Wendell's real name is Ben.
Ben was reunited with his owners today, February 23rd.
I found out that Ben walked two miles and crossed an extremely busy main road to meet me and my family.
February 23rd is the birthday of my best friend Elaine.
Elaine died in a car accident and was an avid cat lover.
She had a cat named Tabby that looked exactly like Ben.
February 23rd is also significant because after Elaine died, it is the date I found out that I was pregnant with Kika even if I thought I could not have children.
This cat was microchipped on my birthday so that in case he was ever lost he would be found.
This cat was found by his owners on Elaine's birthday so that just in case I ever doubted, I would be strengthened.

PHOTOS

Birthdays and the Effort of Surprise

A few weeks ago, Steve and I went out with another couple for dinner.
Over dinner, the wife/friend excitedly told me that in honor of her 46th birthday, she was planning to play 46 holes of golf the following day.
She said that various friends were going to be jumping in and joining her at certain times of the day, starting at 8 AM.
She jokingly invited me to come and golf, I jokingly agreed.
Perhaps I said I would come not only because the wine I had with my dinner had gone to my head but also because I like the idea of doing something commemorative and unusually excessive for one's birthday. (Like running 10 miles for my birthday, for example)
The odds of me actually going to her 46 holes of golf birthday were low.
After all,
-I have NEVER golfed.
-I don't own golf clothes (although I do have a pair of never-worn golf shoes I bought at a garage sale many years ago)
-it was scheduled to be a COLD November day
-the idea of driving myself to Oakmont, an unfamiliar golf club that has the reputation of being strict and stuffy (no jeans, no cell phones, and definitely no golf hacks on the course)---and blindly searching through 18 holes for a woman crazy about golf was not something I looked forward to doing.
The next morning, I woke up and remembered my promise from the night before.
I asked both of my daughters to help me dress like a golfer, which we figured was to look somewhat preppy.
They helped me get into "golfing costume" and when at a certain point, I voiced my hesitation about actually going--they encouraged me to "just do it."
With the girls' involvement, there was suddenly more at stake.
Their audience to either my bravery or chickenshit default of staying in my comfort zone- impelled me to go.
I was nervous.
As is my practice, I prayed that all will be well.

I got there at about 11 am.
Without prior knowledge as to where my friend was in her day of golf--when I found her, she had finished 27 holes and providentially, she and her friends were starting a fresh round and were right by the FIRST Hole which was nearest the clubhouse.
As I walked out on the golf course towards Colleen, she did not recognize me.
Maybe she didn't know it was me because she was not actually expecting me and second, I was IN COSTUME!
The look of surprise and joy on her face when she realized I had come to honor her birthday filled me with extreme pleasure.
It has taken me a few weeks to process how amused Colleen was and it has dawned on me that her reaction was something familiar to me.
I had experienced this exact emotion on Dec. 3, 1981.
My birthday.
I was a highschool sophomore in Maryknoll.
I had some classmates over for dinner and cake and we were all wearing our school uniform.
The doorbell rang and to my surprise it was my best friend, Elaine.
Although she and I did not go to the same highschool she arrived wearing a borrowed Maryknoll Highschool uniform as a surprise to me.
I remember how delighted  I was about the effort Elaine made to arrive "in costume" somewhat like a performance artist.
It has suddenly occurred to me that the happiness I got from surprising Colleen, was due to my own appreciation of Elaine and her effort.

We give what we get.  (and yes,  we get what we give)

I walked three holes in Oakmont before I decided that it was time to go--and had unintentionally left Colleen right at her 30th hole-- which was the age Elaine would have turned had she not died two months short of her 30th birthday.
There is something comforting about this experience loop.

For Elaine Henson Feb 23, 1967-Dec 10, 1997

Oakmont Pa, November 2015

Kamias, December 1981.

Yesterday, I Wanted To Jump Out Of My Skin

I was experiencing vague anxiety.
So I meditated not just once, but twice.
Then, I worked out on the treadmill, twice.
And after a brief hiatus from good hygiene, I also showered--twice.

Steve also took a turn on the treadmill for the first time since its repair.
He reported that after soldiering through, he smelled something burning.
This morning I called the repair people:

Service person: "I see your treadmill was just serviced a few weeks ago, are you having another issue with it ?"
Me: "I've used it a couple of times since its repair, and it has worked fine but last night, after my husband used it, it started to smell bad."
Service person: ___ (dead silence)
Me: "like something was burning."
Service person: "Oh the treadmill!"
~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been praying for my friend's niece who is dying of cancer.
As of this week, she has been given one month to live.
Just typing that is making me weak.
And I don't even know her personally.

Celebrating the birth of Christ should be a peaceful time of the year.
We are commemorating the arrival of a little baby born for the sole purpose of saving the world, and yet for many it becomes a time of stress due to the busyness and commerce that have become associated with the holiday.
I can imagine that the panic the little girl's family is going through is completely unrelated to the material aspect of the season.

While I was on the phone with the treadmill service department, we were picking a date for the technician to come out.
As I looked at my calendar, I suddenly realized that exactly 17 years ago today, I lost my best friend.
I remember sitting in her hospital room with a box Christmas cards, thinking that I was going to write on them while she recuperated.
Both did not happen.
For a long time I associated Christmas with the death of Elaine.
Although this is no longer the case, I think on a subconscious level--I still get affected this time of the year.
Maybe that's why I wanted to jump out of my skin yesterday and
for sure that is why I am praying that the little girl and her family enjoy a beautiful Christmas together this year.

While I understand that the Target-frenzied world rarely ponder the significance of Jesus' birth--I am hoping that we are all able to reflect on the importance of time we can gift each other this holiday season.
Jesus had 33 years on earth.
Elaine had 29.
I am praying that my friend's niece gets more than 18 months.

May 5, 2013

Before 13.1

After 13.1

Gave Up Facebook for Forty Days But Replaced it With Chocolate

I heard this song yesterday on Pandora and it reminded me of our two friends CK and C who are getting married soon.
There are different videos and covers of it.
I immediately sent CK a link to
a version by Kathy Mattea
The version that I like the most is sung by Kate Wolf--but whoever posted it, set it to a clip from  Battlestar Galactica. (!!!) (which would explain why I did not send that one to CK)
Give Yourself To Love by Kate Wolf
The woman in that Battlestar Galactica clip looks like my childhood best friend Elaine Henson.

Today is Elaine's birthday. The peculiar thing is, even if I am mentally over the fact that Elaine is gone, my physical state argues differently.
Every single year that her birthday rolls in,  my body kicks into sad mode.
So today I fight it with chocolate.
Lots of it.
I am winning, although I am smiling with chocolate stuck in between my teeth.
Kate Wolf was a folk singer whose death anniversary is December 10th.
December 10th is also the date that Elaine was removed from life support. I'm thinking that I should play these numbers...

CLICK ON THOSE LINKS!
I literally bumped into this song and loved it.
I hope you do too.

"love is born in fire, it's planted like a seed,
love can't give you everything, but it gives you what you need.
And love comes when you're ready, love comes when you're afraid;
It'll be your greatest teacher, the best friend you have made."
~Kate Wolf

Happy Birthday Elaine, I miss you.

10 years

My best friend Elaine was
in a fatal car crash 10 years ago.
I was with her in the hospital the day they took her off life support.
After her death, Steve surprised me with a boxer puppy.
He said it would take
my mind off Elaine.

It has taken me only 10 years
to get over Elaine's passing.
And my dog Junior, has been with me through it all (and how).
Recently--Junior's health started deteriorating.
Today December 8th, marks the 10 yr. anniversary of Elaine's accident.
Today is also the day that Junior died.
There's that circle of life again.

Thank you, Junior--for a job well done.

What are you Grateful for?

Last night on Grey's anatomy, Cristina's character stood at the foot of her best friend's bed willing her to live.
Considering that this is exactly what I did nine years ago, I thought that I would not be able to watch this scene--especially when the TV version does not end up the way my version did.
However, this is what I have discovered:
Whether it is a failed relationship, a dismal career move, a death or a traumatic experience--

I am learning that human minds heal when we allow our attention to shift to positive things.


I will let my memory of my friend rest for another year...but before I do that, allow me to post one more poem written by my friend Benj.

(For Elaine who would have turned 40 today)


this is the moment
that we breathe in

from the countless
hurried minutes
of an endless
harried day
this is the moment

this is the moment
that we breathe in

the fret of mind
and dark of soul
are left behind
for one long pause
for sight, and sound and scent

this is the moment
that we breathe in

when you
at peace
in dream
in sleep
remind us that
this is
you are
we now must be
in this fleeting moment
breathing fully be

-by Benjie de la Pena

The Circle of Life

We almost did not have children.
Not by choice, but because I could not get pregnant.
We went to fertility clinics.
Did Ovulation kits, thermometer readings, clomid, sperm counts, post coital headstands, boxer briefs, perfectly synchronized 'O's , etc.
I had a hysterosalpingogram done
which was more than uncomfortable, btw
--it caused me to have a vasovagal episode in the lobby of the hospital
--which lead Steve (who embarasses easily) to tell me:
"go pass out in the ladies room"("!??#%?", said I)
But I digress.
When Elaine Henson died in December 1997, I had gone to Manila for her funeral.
My barren state widely publicized, the old ladies at the wake declared with full certainty:
"now that Elaine is gone, you will get pregnant"
-spawned out of Philippine belief that when one life passes, another is to replace it--
Throughout this constant soothsaying my thought balloon was:
How the he** does my best friend's death have anything to do with my infertility??
(of course I did not say that, it being a funeral and all)
When I got back here,
Steve condoled by surprising me with a male brindle boxer pup.
(my favorite pet reincarnated )
Immersing myself in the care of the puppy, I remained childless.
Soon after, I am not sure what had even prompted me to do it
(dog pee, perhaps?)--I was drawn to a home pregnancy test
I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me when I saw that the test was positive.
After five years of waiting, I was finally pregnant.
The pregnancy test date?
February 23, 1998. Elaine's Birthday.

1967- 1997

For Elaine

You called three days before
two days after.
The scribbled note ‘elaine called’
in my drawer of junk
untouched.

In dreams bigger than life
you are
biking, skating
becoming.
You call me.

I,
can
never
catch
you.

Oddly enough,
I never tire.
It is meant
to be.
This friendship.

Life and marriage
separates
For once,
I lead.
I am almost there, you say.

You are gone.
Five days after your call
seven days after.
I know you
remembered.