3 AM, I Have Insomnia.

So I decided to get up and pray.
I opened up my prayer devotional and realized that today is, Friday the 13th.
And, I just happened to have a picture for how I feel right now.

Kika is going to the prom of Central Catholic. (it's an all boys' school)
She asked me if she could have a few friends over after the prom. (By the way, I still say THE prom...but nowadays people say "going to prom" which in my mind seems wrong.
It reduces The prom to a pedestrian event. Like it is a weekly occurrence)
Anyhow, I digress.
It seemed to be a good idea to have a small group of people come here, have some cookies and milk and call it a night.
Better to have Kika here than at some after-prom rager.
The problem is, this small group has escalated to about thirty teens (that she is admitting to).

I am going against everything I would tell my non-existent followers to do:
-Do not worry about what has not happened yet.
-Live in the now.
-Surrender to what is.
-Let Go, Let God.
-Pray and all will be well.
-Have faith.

I am, Freaking. Out.

Figurative gun to her head, I forced Kika to send out a text to their "prom group message" saying: "Party ends at 2 AM. No one is to sleep over. No alcohol. My parents will be checking on us intermittently. My mother told me to send this."

Yet. I have this feeling of dread.

Back to my devotional.
The reading for today, May 13th is about thanking God in ALL circumstances.

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:6-7

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."-Thessalonians 5:18

Who the heck is Thessalonia and what does he know about teens?

Turkey Hunt Prep and An Attempt to Fish

On a Friday evening, the last place these teens want to be is....well far from their friends.

Don't think we don't know it.

But we are going to do everything we can to kidnap them and try to extend the life of our family as we know it, for as long as we can. 

We lose to their friends every single time we try to compete.

So this, this is really the only way.

I do not take this place for granted.

It's peaceful here.

Supported The High School Freshman's Spring Concert and Art Show. (✍✅)

April

Photo credit: L.Soriano

The Conscious Parent: Applied

Last night, K ended up at a friend's unsupervised house 3 miles away, when she was supposed to be at another friend's house half a mile away. (not that anything bad happened, but that is beside the point)

Right after I sent her this message, I started to pray.
I prayed for guidance and wisdom in responding to my rather spirited 16 year old.
I also prayed for her safety since after that text exchange, we also spoke on the phone when,
I yelled, make this your PR....start running to make her 11 PM curfew...which I knew was impossible.
I figured the time lapse for me and the vigorous physical activity for her would be good for us.
(plus TBH, I was too angry to drive)

While waiting for her to get home,  I decided to read  The Conscious Parent, while unconsciously eating this. (This was an entire pie just 6 hours prior.)

She arrived home 26 minutes past her 11 PM curfew, clearly not her PR, but I digress...
By that time, I had digested a major portion of the pecan pie and some very powerful advice from my book.

This book is so good that I have taken the time to copy the paragraphs that really helped me.
The bold text is what I particularly applied and tried to focus on last night.

From the book, The Conscious Parent by Shafali Tsabary, Phd

(From Page 209)
Before we can help our children uncover what led to the mistake, they need to be allowed to put a little distance between themselves and their mistakes.  The conscious approach is to wait until all emotional reactivity has died down and everyone is in their right mind, then sit with our children compassionately, process their mistake with them entirely free of judgement, and then show them how they can extract a lesson for the future.
To help our children understand the why is the most effective way we can teach forgiveness, because knowing the why empowers us to make changes.  Unfortunately, when addressing our children's negative behavior, we often don't take the time or exercise the patience required to get at the why, but instead deal with the what.  Yet only through an understanding of the why can we help our children create the pathway to change.  Once our children understand the why, everything else is gravy. Perhaps the cause of the mistake was shortsightedness or pressure they experienced from their peers.  Maybe it was a simple lack of information or just poor judgement.  We don't have to belabor the point, but simply note it and move on.
When we don't take our children's mistakes personally, we communicate the vital lesson that there is really nothing to forgive because mistakes are a natural part of learning how to be our authentic self.  To not take mistakes personally is to recognize that behind every mistake is a good intention, though sometimes this intention doesn't readily present itself.  As parents, we need to search beneath the superficial mistake and uncover the original good intention of our children.  This encourages them to have faith in their innate goodness.  When we focus on a bad outcome instead of a good intention, our children lose their enthusiasm for trying.

(From page 211)
The premise behind conscious parenting is that our children are inherently well-meaning and want to do the right thing.  However in the course of a day, it's inevitable a child will make a few mistakes either through omission or commission.  If they are afraid of punishment, as already noted, they may then try to cover up their mistakes by lying.  The approach I am suggesting not only teaches a child not to fear mistakes, but also highlights that there are simply too many precious lessons to learn about ourselves from our mistakes to cover them up-lessons that enrich our life in ways we couldn't have imagined had we not made such mistakes.
By encouraging your children to let their mistakes go, you help them separate the wheat from the chaff, then throw the chaff to the winds.  The true test of whether you have let go comes the next time you are asked to trust them with the keys to the same car they crashed last week.  If you crashed your friend's car, would you want them to never hand you their car keys again?
When your children show you their most vulnerable aspects, and you show up ready to meet who they are, you indicate to them that they are worthy of being respected and received.  If you betray them with your own self absorption with the way you imagine they "ought" to be,  you convey to them that they are unworthy and that the world is an unforgiving place.  They then become fearful of stepping out in life.
By exercising the courage to own their errors, children learn to respect their fallibility and limitations, while demonstrating faith in their ability to move on. This strengthens their belief in their competence.
With the reassurance they are still loved, they accept that each of us is a work in progress.

(From page 217)
To allow our children to behave as if they were wild, without regard for how this affects those around them, is to raise little monsters.  Teaching our children how to appropriately contain their authenticity and manage their emotions is essential.  For this reason, to be unyielding when required, goes hand-in-hand with yielding when appropriate.  Setting boundaries, saying "no," and being firm are as much a part of good parenting as are accepting and embracing our children.

From page 218:
The heart of conscious parenting is the ability to be present in any situation that arises. Are you able to respond from a place of awareness rather than attachment? 
Do you discipline from a place of authenticity or from your ego?
To parent consciously means  you respond to your children's needs, not cater to them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In response to my unconscious pie consumption last night, I worked out this morning.
Not my PR either but clearly I am not posting last night's parenting saga nor this morning's work out, from my ego.

Snow Day: Bargaining, Bartering and Blood

School was cancelled yesterday due to what may be the last snow storm of the season.
Because the girls were home, that post I was intending to write did not get written, as I am most comfortable writing when I have the house to myself.
I looked out the window and wanted to conquer the weather with an outdoor run.
It was 18 degrees and the girls were both still in bed.
I waited until 10 AM to wake them and then started begging, pleading and bartering with them to go for a run with me.
At first they would not have any part of it.
In an effort to change their mind, I offered:
-no piano practice
-no yard dog poop pick up
-no dog walk
in exchange for 20-30 minutes of their life running out in the cold with me.
I told them that I did not really want to to do it, but that I needed them to help motivate me.
I explained that I wanted the chance to be able to say that I ran in snowy conditions before spring.

Still nothing.
So I offered: unlimited access to screens (TV, phone, computer all day.)
I hooked one: K was the first to cave.
She liked the idea of a day free of my nagging and cajoling.
Then someone (I can't remember if it was K or G) suggested that in exchange for the run, I take them to the mall.

If you are unaware of this nugget about me:
I HATE THE MALL.
I NEVER GO THERE.
ESPECIALLY NOT A MALL 13 MILES AWAY.

Maybe out of desperation, I agreed.
But I tossed piano and song back into the equation.

Snowy We-fie

We ended up going for a 30 minute run.
They fulfilled the music portion of our day.

Then I paid with FOUR hours at the mall.
Speaking of bloody,

G even got me to concede to a cartilage piercing.

Prayer.
Only prayer got me through the day.

I prayed during the run.
I prayed during the drive.
I prayed during discussions about purchasing appropriate clothing.
I prayed during the piercing.
I prayed during the trip home.

Only prayer got me through the day.
With prayer, nothing is impossible.

20 Minutes

In an effort to stay productive, I've been testing out a new format in my mornings.
I set my phone timer for 20 minutes and break up my schedule into 20  minute increments.
Even my prayer time I have sliced into 3 blocks of 20:
Not necessarily in this order, I set
20 minutes to listen (meditation),
20 minutes to read (my Bible),
20 minutes to write my prayers down.
I started writing my prayers, because I discovered that I can stay better focused when I write them down instead of when I mutter or think them.

I've split my workouts into 20's as well.

(this pace kills me btw, as I am much more comfortable with a 13 min/mile)
20 minute cardio, 20 minute weights.
Laundry folding and sorting-I try to get it done in 20.
House cleaning, (I gladly stop after 20 minutes)
Emailing and Facebooking....20.
Needless to say, I find myself being more productive.

The other day, I was feeling so productive and UMOTY-ish (thanks SL)  that I even made homemade Broccoli and Cheddar soup for the first time in my life.

I was so proud of it that I kept milking my family for compliments.
Finally K mentioned that I am the complete opposite of Chinese ladies, that downplay the excellent meals they make by saying their dish may need more soy sauce....
What can I say, I ain't chinese.
But then again, I really believe that when one becomes inspired enough to create, (or in this case, cook) you feel like bursting...(or bragging).
Speaking of creating, (or bragging)  the extreme cold has given the girls a couple of school cancellations.
I was very proud to announce to my FB world that during the days off,
G took it upon herself to create something with a friend:

Creative juices overflowing...when she ran out of canvas...she turned her art on the dog:

Full Disclosure: If my kids had their way, (especially G, who seems addicted to Netflix) they would lie on our kitchen floor and watch TV all day...

And now my 20 minutes to write on this blog is up.

I'm Reading A Book That I've Actually Started To Highlight.

Highlight!
I have never been a highlighter.
For a couple of reasons, one of them being that I am a private person (insert laugh here) and highlighting a book that someone may potentially borrow would make me feel exposed.
Another reason is, I find it distracting to read a book that's been marked.
Thanks to Carole (CK), I am reading a book called The Conscious Parent by Shafali Tsabary.
By the time I am done, I am positive that my children will thank her too.
It is not your typical parenting book, as it does not really tell you "How To."
It is a book that first attempts to make a parent a better person before one can expect to be a better parent.
I can't stop reading it, but yet at the same time it periodically makes me want to lie down.
It is giving me some insight and understanding about people, myself included.
It is making me look deep into myself in a raw and honest way.
Now I get why psychotherapy sessions are generally done just once a week.
One needs time to recover after unearthing long forgotten (but unhealed) wounds and experiences.
But uncovering why we react or parent the way we parent is very cathartic.
And the quicker we understand, the quicker we stop parenting reactively.
To parent reactively or as the writer calls it parenting unconsciously--is not good for our children.
Children that are parented unconsciously can end up pretty effed up (pardon the french) if not while they are young, then at some point in their life.
That's a pretty strong statement.
I know.
But trust me on this one. I know.

Tsabary writes that a conscious parent does not emerge overnight--while that may be true, I will tell you this:
Once you start being conscious, your relationship with your children shifts for the better.
Overnight.

I am far from being done with this book, but in the interest of helping anyone out there that may be struggling with a teenager or just looking for parenting answers, I highly recommend that you read this book.
Today.
It is a book that I believe if followed, together with prayer and faith can actually crack the personal code on parenting.

To Be Continued.

Game On: Now looking for 0003

I always notice license plates.
DZ told me about a game her GZ used to play.
Ever since she told me about it, I had been watching out for a plate number 0001, and I had been telling my daughters to help me so that I could start my own game.
Last friday I finally found one on my way to pick up the birthday cake.
And then yesterday on our way home from the property, about a quarter mile from our house I saw a parked car with this:

Despite the fact that we were tired, it was cold and drizzling, G had to pee badly and K still had to get to (recreational league) basketball practice--K excitedly told me that she would go with me to take its picture.
When we told Steve to stop the car,
Steve asked: "really??"
So he pulled over and let us off.
We had to jog a short distance to get back to where I saw it--and then we trekked home after taking the picture.

While this may seem like a nothing to anyone reading this--it is not nothing to me.

It is important because, the enthusiasm and interest K has in something that is "my thing" is a clear indicator that we are connecting once more.

Coming Soon: A post on How I started re-connecting with her.

Last Friday

In this tight rope walk of parenting--I looked down instead of straight ahead and lost my balance.
(And my cool)

We had allowed K to watch a concert with her friends at the university right by our house.
(In retrospect, letting her see a rapper was probably not the best decision, but that's another story)
Right before releasing her into the wild I got distracted by a t-shirt that K was wearing because it was:
a) unfamiliar to me
b) barely skimming the top of her yoga pants.
It was one good posture away from being a belly shirt.

In my distress, I spoke to her through clenched teeth about this shirt that was borrowed from a friend.
I said that if I wanted her midriff exposed I would have purchased a cropped shirt for her myself.
And then I threatened to impound her for life if she lowered her high waisted yoga pants during the concert.

It was not pretty- my lack of trust.
Not the lack of trust in my 15 year old but in my faltering confidence in God.

In that instant, I became so unsure of everything.
I spent the evening lashing out at anything in my orbit while waiting for her safe return.

----------
Most parenting manuals reassure readers that children that display differing styles from that of their parents'
(my brain translates styles as values)
is a healthy sign that a child is "hatching."
According to Townsend and Cloud in their book Boundaries,
children that remain unhatched,  become "compliant parrots"  that end up suffering later in life, when they become adults.
But here's my question:
Where do we draw the line between
"Healthy hatching" and becoming a "Rotten egg?"

I guess that's where my faith MUST step in.
("To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we can not see."
Hebrews 11:1)
After I give my children clear and precise guidance--I must have faith that all will be well.

If I am going to keep my freak-outs to a minimum, I must stay calm, faithful and focused as I walk across the tight rope in this parenting segment of my journey.
Perhaps a sense of humor wouldn't hurt either--as our other daughter G defended her sister by saying:
"today's exposed midriff is just like an exposed ankle during your time."
Despite understanding how teens think,  I will not waver if I am sure of what I want for them.
I will not look down.
I will keep moving forward.

A Prayer

"May you be filled with loving kindness,

May you be well in body and mind-

May you be safe from all things, physical and spiritual 

May you be truly happy and free."

I  took this picture a year ago during my trip to the Philippines.

I was in Marge's living room  (she is a friend from grade school days) when I decided to photograph her tabletop Buddha.

Tomorrow some of my siblings (and my mom) are traveling to Manila for the wedding of my nephew Migs.
Although I would love to attend, I realize that I am needed here. (Never mind that I might be the only one that recognizes this)

Qui Tacet Consentire Videtur

While  perusing K's instagram account yesterday,  I saw that an acquaintance of hers had used the
N-word (used it ending in "a" as opposed to "er")  in a comment on one of her pictures.
After slight internal deliberation (because I am trying to be more mindful about the battles I choose)
I asked her to remove the offensive comment.

She agreed to remove it but informed me that  although she personally does not use that word herself, the people in "her generation" do not use it as a racial slur, but rather as a term of endearment.
I held my tongue and instead did some research until I found a compelling video to help me redirect her.

I sent her the link with explicit instructions.

The video opened up more effective discussion between us and it also made me ponder that the old adage,
"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm." is not necessarily true.
Sights and sounds can in fact induce a visceral reaction in people.
This is why some people blush when they hear a compliment, or some people faint at the sight of blood.

In this case, the N word was designed to torment a race,  its ability to hurt remains--even if subliminally.
I disagree with the argument that using it gives the word less power.
On the contrary, I think not using it, renders the word obsolete and causes the underlying malice to atrophy.

Qui Tacet Consentire Videtur.
He who remains silent, gives his consent.

Oh and About That

Remember when we were on our way back from our ski trip to Simon's place and we got a flat tire a couple of miles from our house?
Well I never wrote about what happened next.
On the morning I was scheduled to get the tire repaired, our car keys went missing.
As it turned out, they were "mysteriously" locked in the car, while the spare keys were an hour away.

While it was happening in real time, I decided to disengage from my feelings of irritation and impatience and just peacefully meditate.
I figured I would tackle my list of things to "Grip--Relax--and Release"
I reminded myself of how every single disturbance in life can bring us closer to Peace, IF we let it--by doing the work needed. (which is by doing that grip-relax-release thing)

The fact is, I was annoyed.
I felt that Steve had been driving too fast and it is why we got a flat tire when we hit a pothole.
And when the missing car keys derailed the repair process, it almost put me over the edge.
But it didn't.
Instead I meditated on the idea that God is in control.
Then I proceeded to pray for the usual people, places and things that I pray for daily.
And in the interest of remaining focused, I actually wrote down my thoughts and prayers in a notebook that I keep in my "peace corner."
One of the last things I wrote was: "and I pray that the car repair is not expensive."

Unlike my "old self", I was calmly able to reschedule the car appointment and I was also able to guard my tongue against berating Andretti.
Once the car was in the shop,  I waited curiously.
When the service advisor called me,  he told me that it was not just one damaged tire but TWO.
But then he told me that he went ahead and called the tire company--since we had just purchased those tires a month ago--and that they were going to replace both tires free of charge.

When I relayed this information to Steve, he incredulously asked,
"why??? Its not their fault I hit the pothole."
I told him that I prayed that it would not be too expensive of a fix (like rim damage etc) but I was not expecting that kind of an answered prayer.
(Steve just looked at me rather dubiously. He is not super sold on this prayer thing...yet)
As for me, I am a believer.
Not because of two tires but because of the connection I feel between prayer and peace.

Anyway--last night Steve called me on his way home from a dinner about 45 minutes away.
He said, "you are not going to believe this but I hit another pothole and have two flat tires again."
So I called our roadside assistance service to get him towed.
They said it would take 90 minutes for them to get to him.
Steve asked me to pray that it would not take 90 minutes.
I prayed.
The tow truck came in FIVE minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~

I recently told my children this.

When you give a gift to someone and they don't thank you, do you feel like giving that person another gift?
They said no.
I said: Well that is how it is with God too.
So when you appreciate something, especially after you've prayed for it, be sure to thank God.

~~~~~~~~~~

This morning, Steve and I both went for a dental check-up after getting our car set up for repair (again).
That in itself is a miracle all on its own because Steve had somehow let 16+ years go by since his last check up (he is an anti-dentite).
Three days ago he told me that he had a funny sensation in his mouth.
Considering his chewing tobacco habit and his long absence from the dentist's chair, it was enough for him to be concerned.
I immediately solicited the girls' prayers and we prayed for two things:
1. that whatever was bothering his mouth would be nothing serious (with a capital C) and
2. that this would get him back into the dental care system.

As fate would have it, I had an appointment scheduled for today and because it is hard to get an appointment with the dentist I see (CK can attest to this)--I opted to "give" Steve my slot.
(they ended up squeezing me back in)

My prayers were answered again today.
Our two tires are being replaced, again, for free. (fyi, I actually did not ask God for free tires, I merely asked that His Will be done about those dratted tires)
Steve felt comfortable with my dentist and now has another appointment scheduled in a few weeks and it is nothing life-threatening bothering his mouth, just a wisdom tooth.
And speaking of wisdom, I am hoping that Steve's propensity for potholes will give him the wisdom to slow down.
I am believing that Steve's tire mishaps are part of that bigger picture I was talking about recently--and that he is being redirected away from something worse.

Again I am thankful.
Although I am no longer surprised at the synergy between prayer and product, I am never going to feel diminished awe.

I Want For You What You Want For You

"I want for you what you want for you" is a mantra I have been meditating with (or is it on?)
I have been using a meditation guide from  the mentor's channel.
I love it.  (ps happy birthday to my two sisters, Karen and Charissa)

There's a part of the introduction where the guide instructs you to gently tap on your heart to "activate the heart chakra." It reminds me of the Catholic practice of beating the breast when certain prayers are said during the mass. I find the parallels and similarities of Eastern spiritual practices and Christianity extremely fascinating and comforting.

Coincidentally, I find that this mantra jives with Psalm 37:4 that says:
"Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Blog Deposit

I received a message the other day from a childhood friend.
A "one liner" that informed me that she was having one of those days again.
Just a few days before that, another childhood friend had telephoned me to vent and ask advice about something she was going through.
Unbeknownst to either of them, I too, was going through a few personal challenges myself.
To the friend who was having "one of those days.." I wrote,

Rumi once said, "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

All of us are given unlimited opportunities to distract us from our pain if we open our eyes and heart to the experience.
A stranger's smile,
The beauty of snow,
Someone waving you to move ahead in a traffic jam,
A random elderly woman's kind words,
A touch,
A toddler with Down syndrome wishing peace to fellow church goers,
A dog and a bunny getting along,

A warm blanket in a cold winter day,
are just a few examples of opportunities to feel blessed or hugged by God and/or the universe.

The key is to pay attention and look for them.
Once you start enumerating all that you are thankful for each day--yes even the simplest of things--like pets, running (hot) water, a soft bed...you raise your vibe.

A grateful vibe lifts "one of those days" any day.

I am not suggesting that you pretend that you are not bothered when things manage to bother you.
In fact, I highly recommend that you take notice of it.
Sit in silence with it in your mind, objectively noticing how you feel.
Then make a conscious effort to  physically relax every part of your body before you make the decision to let go or distance yourself of each and every negative thought, fear and feeling that has come up.

Notice, relax and release everything, big and small.

Do this when you are afraid you will wreck while you are driving through a storm.
Do this when a door in the rental house during a ski trip accidentally gets a fist through it.
Do this when your friend's lung collapses during that same ski trip.
Do this when you discover your child has broken your trust.

Do this when you feel your world is falling apart.
Do this when you become afraid that you have not done a good job.
Do this when you fear the worst.
Do this when you feel abandoned.

Notice, relax and release everything.
And then start your litany of gratefulness.
And I mean everything.
Scrape all the nooks and crannies of your life for things to be thankful for.
Do not waste a morsel of blessing.

The results are amazing.

I told my friend to try it.
I told her that coincidentally, I had just gone through a bout of debilitating depression two weeks ago (which was weird because I thought I was cured of that)
But I was able to get back up in less than 24 hours  because I went through my coping strategy checklist almost robotically.
I prayed.
I ran.
I noticed, relaxed and released.

I also reminded her of my favorite biblical anti-depressant in Philippians 4:6-7 which says,
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

To my other friend going through some difficulties in life my advice was this:
Do not look for ways to blame or change the people in your life--past or present-- for your current unhappiness.
Instead, seek to heal yourself.
While I am not saying that I do not think you have any right to feel bad,  that is irrelevant.
The solution is in your reaction or non-reaction to the problem.
The only way to stop contributing to the problem is by actively working on improving and healing one's self.
I suggested she read a few books that might help her.
I gave her five titles but said that they all say the same thing.
She just needs to find the one that she understands.
The books are:
1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
2. The Power Of Now by Eckart Tolle
3. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
4. The Naked Now by Richard Rohr
5. A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson

But before sending her off to the bookstore I gave her crash course on self improvement with the following tips:
1. Be impeccable with your words--in all things. At  work. At home. To yourself.  (what you say about yourself to yourself) or about others.
2. Do not take things personally. EVER.
Nothing people ever do that is hurtful is ever really about you.
It is about their own selves and their own hurts.
3. Do not assume to know.
4. Always do your best. (in everything! health! exercise! work!parenting! laundry! etc)
5. Resist the urge to prove that you are correct. Give up the need for others to know that you are right, even if it is blatantly obvious to you.
6. Let go of your ego.  All of the world's problems are rooted in people being attached to their egos.
7. The way to stop thinking negative thoughts is to: Just Stop.
Replace each negative thought and memory with a positive or grateful thought.
Give up the "but what ifs." All of them.
8. Don't dread and don't dwell.
9. Pray and then Let Go. Resist trying to control everyone and everything.
10. Learn to Love and Forgive everyone.
Even the unlovable.
And when your humanness kicks in and you find yourself struggling to love unconditionally, focus on what and who you can love with ease.

After taking the time to help my friends, I found my own personal burdens lifting.
I was reminded to practice what I was preaching.
In fact I was forced to do so--just so I could truly help by authentic example.
I was able to open up about my current challenges and show her the steps I was taking in order to transcend it all.
It is such an amazing experience to feel the instantaneous rewards of giving up parts of yourself in order  to help others.
I realize that I can confidently help others because of all the difficulties I have experienced in my life.
I also realize that all these hardships that I have gone through have made me a much stronger person.
Every single day I get to see God working in my life, and it is deepening my faith.
I am beginning to see that all the things that have sucked me into a pit of despair are the very same things that have strengthened my connection to God.

Faith is like a muscle. 
Your faith can't get stronger if your faith is never challenged.

And there are less things to fear in life when you have faith.

Tree Time 2013

I had been wanting a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" for years now.
This year, Steve brought this home for me.

Every evening, we gather around it and write down "what we pray for" and "what we are thankful for" on white and gold ribbons which we hang on our "charlie brown christmas tree."
It is a tradition we started in the beginning of december. (I say "we" but I am sure you can imagine the initial resistance)

When Kika asked me the night before her dance if some people could meet here, I said yes.
I was not prepared for the complete strangers that came along with the "some people" in order to take pictures of the large group of young men and women before the dance.

When I observed a few of the parents examining the tree closely, my armpits got a bit sweaty.

I had not anticipated that my quirky choice of tree  and intimate practice was going to be viewed by so many people.
People that came to retrieve children after Gabi's birthday two fridays ago and then people that came here before Kika's dance last friday.

The whole thing was an exercise in saying yes to the present moment and surrendering to what is.

In Search of the Perfect 11-12-13 Post:

Proverbs 11:12-13

It is foolish to speak scornfully of others. If you are smart, you will keep quiet.
No one who gossips can be trusted with a secret, but you can put confidence in someone who is trustworthy.

As The General Manager Of My Family, I Am Glad That I Practice Meditation

Parenting two teenage girls can be tricky.
Due to their young ages,  they (fortunately) haven't yet made terrible mistakes in life.
I, on the other hand, have stumbled through enough life experiences that have given me the credentials to tutor them.

That they have not done much bumbling is the very reason that it is more difficult for them to accept recommendations.

Kika is 15.
She is on the right track academically, but I find myself worrying about how she navigates the social web of high school life.
I toggle between freaking out when she does not follow my instructions and understanding that
some of life's lessons must be learned first hand.

When Kika opens up about things that bother her,  I listen but I also take much of it with a grain of salt.
I tend to loop everything as overwhelm and the newness of high school.
I give her advice based on my life experiences in the hopes that she will be spared teenage angst.
Recently she started complaining about her leg hurting.
I didn't really believe that she was injured but in the interest of getting to the bottom of her pain, she was brought to a doctor.
(This is the second doctor she has seen since high school started btw, but that is another story)

Anyhow, it turns out--this second time there really was something wrong. 

She has a stress fracture that she actually won one cross country race with and although it is not a serious injury, it has ended her freshman high school basketball career before it even started.

Prayer and meditation allow me to see Kika's stress fracture as a gift because:

a)  Her having to sit out basketball this year allows us to reclaim weekends for more family time and

b) Her actually having a stress fracture has taught me the value of really listening to my daughters.

When my daughters tell me their feelings,
I must tune in and understand that their experiences are their reality.
I must encourage them to be authentic.
I must allow them to be themselves instead of forcing them into the role of being the kind of daughters that I would like to show off  them to be.
(uuhm, within reason of course...grinding and twerking are off the table)
I can do my best to guide them and set boundaries for their light to shine but I can do nothing more except have faith and accept that with the best intentions in our hearts, that all will be well.

Gabi is almost 13.
For the most part she manages to fly underneath the radar.
(yes typical second-born)
Considering she is not very competitive, she has had her own victories in cross country and volleyball.
Without the pressure of scrutiny she is finding her own mojo and coming alive, both academically and physically.
I have not had to worry much about Gabi, that is, up until she ended up in the ER the other night.

Gabi was playing at a friend's house last saturday when she and her friends decided to try an internet thumb-blowing hyperventilating game to see if they could make themselves faint.
Gabi with her new found success, successfully fainted but ended up bumping her head when she fell to the floor.
When she woke up seconds later, she was nauseous, had a headache and she noticed that her vision was partially obscured.
As she told me this on the drive home, I struggled to remain calm.
But after she started vomiting once we got home (would it be wrong to admit how grateful I was that she did not throw up in our car?)
I knew that a trip to the ER was inevitable.
With God's grace, the only thing Gabi suffered from was a mild concussion.
It could have been so much worse.

Prayer and meditation allow me to see Gabi's concussion as a gift because:
a) It alerted us to the level of curiosity and stupidity that she and her group of under-the-radar friends are in--and it opened up the conversation about--well,  stupid sh** kids do,  that can end badly.
b) It reminded me that experience is the best teacher, and if the experience does not kill you, consider yourselves blessed.

This portion of parenting may be challenging, but it is certainly strengthening my prayer muscles.
I am almost to the point of being able to surrender. (Almost)
I pray for everything.
Last night, Steve (I think mockingly--I am not certain) requested that we pray that the Steelers win.
So Gabi and I prayed.
After they lost rather badly, Steve pointed this out. (I think mockingly--I am not certain)
I said to him,

Our ability to pray is not so that we can manipulate God.
We pray so that we learn to change ourselves into being more trusting and accepting of God's Will.

My daily practice of prayer and meditation is changing my insides in ways that astound me.

(although it may not yet be obvious to the naked eye)
It is making me trust that there is a God that lovingly paints the big picture of our lives.
It is slowly but surely giving me the ability to walk into that big picture without fear.

The Bridge

There's a bridge that has been out for months that has made the drive around my neck of the woods a bit difficult.

The bridge is now fixed.  I took great pleasure in driving over it today.

It is interesting how we don't appreciate important things unless our access is denied.

I am happy that the bridge is back because it makes the route to Gabi's school much easier.

Anyhow, Gabi lost an earring today.

Not an expensive earring, but a favorite and unusual earring. (it used to be mine)

She lost it in the girls' locker room of her school gym.

Thanks to this bridge being opened today, I did not hesitate to offer to drive her back to help her find it. 

I decided to take a swiffer with me so we could do a systematic sweep of the area.

I asked her if we needed to bring two swiffers or just one.

She said quickly, "just one."

Gabi looked at me quizzically.

"Can't you just pack a swiffer cloth instead of that long thing?" She asked.

I explained that we needed the swiffer mop handle to cover a large area with ease.

Once we got to her school gym, she suddenly blurted out,

"Please leave the swiffer in the car."

Clearly she was embarrassed about our marching in together armed with a cleaning tool.

I said, "I'm carrying it. Not you."

She said, "but I am your mini-me. I may as well be carrying it."

I sighed, and agreed to leave it in the car.

The after school program was in session, and the staff let us in and wished us luck with our mission.

We searched without success.  The design on the school tile made it difficult to scan for an earring.

I asked her, "by the way, have you prayed that we would find it?"

She said, "no but I will."

After a few more seconds, I said underneath my breath--

"if we could just use the swiffer...."

"FINE," she conceded. "Get the swiffer."

I retrieved it from the car and returned to the gym. 

Walking back into the locker room, swiffer in hand, I prayed.

After--I am not kidding, eight seconds of swiffing-- I found the earring.

"Swiff prayer" worked, but it did not make Gabi any less embarrassed to be seen walking out of the school gym with a woman and a swiffer.

Baby steps.

As we drove the quick route home I felt such peace about a connection I felt with God.

I felt as if another bridge had been repaired within me.

Extremely Funny

It is close to midnight and I am still wide awake. 

Might be because of a chocolate buzz.

Might also be due to my day.

Spent many hours at the hospital with Kika. She needed a bone scan to rule out the possibility of a stress fracture in her leg.  She thinks it is from playing soccer, while I think her leg hurts in her head.

She finally won 1st place in a high school XC meet and then promptly refused to run again.

If it is a stress fracture I will apologize edit this post and act like I never thought it was mental.

While waiting for the dye to work for the bone scan, Kika asked me if she could have some friends over on friday before  going to a high school football game.
I said yes.

After we got home from the hospital, Gabi and I drove waaaaay out of my radius, as in 12 miles away north to pick up a small animal cage that someone was freecycling to me.
(We did not need another cage, but thought a small one might be useful for long car rides her bunny might take with us.)
As we were leaving the house of the freecycling woman, I overheard her 19 year old son needing a ride to his job at a Boston Market that was on our way home. So we offered him a ride.
Small talk in the car disclosed that he was a music and theater major.
So I asked him to sing.
He did the Aladdin duet, A Whole New World--singing both male and the female voices--perfectly.
I laughed so hard I almost wrecked the car.
After dropping him off,  we stopped to shop for a birthday gift for a party Gabi is attending on thursday before heading home.

Back home, over a quick dinner of Trader Joe's frozen macaroni and cheese--
Kika asked me if on friday, some boys could come over too.
With some trepidation and not a few admonitions about house rules, mob mentality and kids' stupidity,
I said yes.

Then the girls and I were off again.
This time Kika, Gabi and I went to decorate the school gym with posters for the 8th graders on Gabi's volleyball team.
In the time it took to decorate the gym, there was a green tea incident to transcend before
Kika's "some friends on friday" mushroomed into a party.
I, in a Nagasaki moment almost shut it down.
But I didn't.

I decided that the best way to make informed decisions about allowing Kika to attend parties in the future would be to actually host one.
I also calculated the convenience of an early party wrap up due to a 7 pm football game.
And as added insurance, I told her that it was in her best interest to host her party well.
All of this was discussed in the car, btw--while waiting for Gabi to finish up volleyball practice.

While waiting--
Made a quick call to my australian brother,  who was visiting my mother in NY to apologize for being unable to see him during his trip.
His cross atlantic/pacific travels unfortunately coincided with our kids' cross country season.
And then we went home.

At home, we discovered that Gabi's bunny had escaped from its enclosure.
It was roaming free in the house.
With Pax, the dog that can not be trusted.
The bunny was not killed.

I was suddenly so very thankful that Steve had insisted (in a rather morbidly fascinated way) on introducing those two animals.
Almost everyday of the month Steve allowed Pax some nose-to-nose time with the rabbit.
I would have never done that.
I would have been too afraid that things would end badly.
But somehow, Steve's instincts were correct.
The highly supervised exposure of the dog and the bunny in a limited and controlled setting was absolutely necessary for their peaceful coexistence.

Highly supervised, limited and in a controlled setting.
Eureka moment.
I suddenly realize that although this is out of our comfort zone, we have the tools to host a high school party this coming friday.
We will do our best to make it a nice, quick and wholesome evening for Kika and her friends.
The bunny was not killed.
All will be well.
(that is my prayer anyway)

We are not helping our children by always preventing them from what might be necessary falling, because you learn how to recover from falling, by falling! It is precisely by falling off the bike many times that you eventually learn what the balance feels like.  The skater pushes both right and left eventually goes where he or she wants to go.  People who have never allowed themselves to fall are actually off balance, while not realizing it at all.
~Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.