The Mission (A Very Long Post)

For any visitor new to my blog, I must mention that I have not always been wired this way.
By 'this way' I am referring to how about 7 years ago, I started developing a mild travel phobia.
It started innocuously enough, but not really enough to actually stop me from going anywhere.
However, one day, without realizing it, my affliction metamorphosed into a full-on habit of completely dreading vacations due to extreme anxiety.
I would brace myself for all trips and then would start obsessively dwelling on my fear of the unknown.
And then because of the gargantuan effort (an act) I put into making sure that everyone had a great time, I would be emotionally and physically drained after a trip.
A very vicious and messy cycle.

But that was before I started making changes in my life.
Ever since I incorporated a healthier lifestyle
(prayer, meditation, exercise and a better diet),
I am sensing that part of me is in the process of being healed.
So in the continuing effort to rewire myself,  I decided a few months ago to practice pushing myself to say yes to life. (The caveat being it must be a healthy choice)

This is how I ended up in Kingston for 6 days last week.
With 48 high school girls.

Let me backtrack.
I was asked by Kika if I would chaperone the junior and senior girls on a mission trip to Kingston, Jamaica.
Kingston is the nontouristy (no beach) side of Jamaica.
I was born and raised in a nontouristy part of the Philippines.
I knew exactly what to expect.
A foreign mission trip's goal aside from helping others, is to allow people to immerse themselves in an unfamiliar culture, stripping them of their comfort in order to either commune better with the people being served and if it is a Christian/Catholic led mission trip--then ultimately,  it is so people get closer to God.
Meanwhile, I had been praying for help with my difficult relationship with Kika.
Imagine my shock when she, who up until this point seemed to actively despise me, actually chose to invite me. (!!?!?)
So, in an effort to practice a faith of action,
I went against the raw desire of my core that wanted to decline this "honor," and said YES.

As the trip approached, I practiced my "don't dread, don't dwell" strategy.
I literally decided not to expect anything. I didn't even allow my brain to think about the pending week. Every time it would enter my mind I would tell myself:
"Live in the now. We are not there yet."

I did not dwell on the fact that this mission trip conflicted with a family vacation planned and that Steve and Gabi were going to proceed to Florida with family friends (JB's) without us.

So, while these two were away at a beach,

Kika and I went on a mission trip.

Nothing about this trip was easy.
It started first thing in the morning when I made a game day decision not to drive to the airport. (Steve was already gone)
My friend DZ drove us to a nearby bus stop so Kika and I could catch the public bus to the airport.
While I loved not having to drive in icy, unpredictable traffic and airport parking conditions,
Kika hated it:

So if my singular mission for going was to improve my relationship with her,
we were off to a rocky start.

Some PHOTOGRAPHABLE moments.

I photographed many parts of this trip except our visits to the Jamaica National Children's Home (JNCH) and Tegwyn Unit.

JNCH is an orphanage  and across the street is the Tegwn Special Unit.
Tegwyn is a facility for mentally and physically disabled orphaned children and young adults.
I went to Tegwyn.
Having almost zero exposure to people with disabilities, my first day there was rough.
I could not bond with anyone.
Incapable of communicating with the residents, I was so unsure of how to interact with them.
Initially,  I felt sick to my stomach at the severity of their conditions.
It was somewhat shocking to see such a concentration of, what I perceived to be, imperfect and broken people.
It felt so artificially forced to reach out and feed and hold and wipe and smile and sing and pray.
(I felt like a politician.)
Don't get me wrong--everyone on this trip could choose whether they wanted to visit  Tegwyn.
No one was forced to.
Except me.
I forced myself to stay.
Yet, although I stayed, I could not bring myself to feel love for them, which is ironic--considering it was Valentine's Day.

I was secretly counting the minutes and seconds until it was time to get back on the 90 minute long and bumpy bus ride back to our accommodations.

As we drove away from the Tegwyn Special Unit, I sat in silence questioning God.
I pondered the fairness of the Tegwyn residents' lives, seemingly, stuck in a torturous purgatory.
Guessing that most of the orphans had, among a host of physical deformities and complications, autism, and cerebral palsy.
I am ashamed to admit that I pondered whether death for these individuals would be or would have been a blessing.
It was a troubling feeling.
And so I started to pray.
I prayed not only for them but for myself.
I prayed for peace.
Suddenly, amidst the smell of diesel and the zigzag mountainous roads, I had a revelation.
I thought about that part of the Bible that reads,

"But who are you, my friend to talk back to God? 
a clay pot does not ask the man who made it, 'why did you make me like this?' 
After all, the man who makes the pots  has the right to use the clay as he wishes, 
and to make two pots from the same lump of clay, 
one for special occasions and the other for ordinary use."
~Romans 9:20

I recalled how startlingly impressed I was with the high school girls that chose to visit Tegwn.
They were so natural, loving and selflessly giving to all the residents.
As to whom God was using for special occasions in this instance, and who was for ordinary use, I don't know--as the actions of the teens were not ordinary.
All present were special.
Bear in mind that up until this point of the trip, I was merely tolerating the high school girls.
(a manifestation of my personal struggle with my own daughter.)
My epiphany continued.
I realized that we are all connected in sharing the goal of glorifying God--in whatever capacity given to us. No one more important than the other.

"Jesus answered, 'his blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents' sins.  He is blind so that God's power might be seen at work in him."
John 9:3 

I remembered the kind and lovely workers at Tegwyn.
How none of them seemed impatient nor burdened with the amount of work and care that needed to be done.
How very evident that God's love was being expressed by the caregivers.
Everyone embodied the word: authentic.
Then, I called to mind one of my favorite verses in the Bible that says,

"Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.  Then you will be able to know the will of God-what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."
~Romans 12:2

Before our bus even arrived at our living quarters, I knew that I was not done with Tegwyn.
So, even if our small group was not scheduled to go back there, L (another mom) and I asked our mission trip director if our group could return.
D accommodated our request.



"May you be filled with loving-kindness.
May you be well in body and mind.
May you be safe from all things physical and mental,
May you be truly happy and free."
~A Loving-kindness meditation



On our fifth day in Jamaica, two of our groups went back to the orphanage.

This time,  I was ready.

The moment I got there, I started visiting with as many residents as I could.
One 27-year-old woman named  Nikki, I could not ignore.
When I saw her the first time we visited, she was slumped in a wheelchair but had no use of any of her limbs.
She was non-verbal with zero mobility.
I think I was drawn to her because her face, although with a vacant expression, had normal features that did not seem to belong to her misshapen and diminutive body.
And then there were her eyes.
She had a piercing stare that seemed to look right into your soul.
It was during our second visit that I noticed that she was beautiful.
This time she was not in a wheelchair but rather placed on a large thick gym mat on the floor.
In an effort to get down to her level, I ended up lying down beside her in order to hold her hand while I whispered my prayers for her.
Her continued expressionless countenance prodded me to imagine what it would feel like to be trapped in my body with a stranger in my face, without the ability to express myself.
I didn't stay beside her much longer for fear of irritating her.

I made the rounds with other residents sitting with them, interacting, hand holding, and back-rubbing when suddenly I noticed a young man (who looked to be about 20 years old) looking at me.
Roy, whose face had a stolid quality to it, seemed to actually see me.
I turned to him and asked (I think, rhetorically)
"What can I do for you?"

What happened next I will try to express, but I am afraid words can not do it justice because the experience was somewhat indescribable.

I sensed Roy was trying to communicate with me.
He ambled laboriously towards me with the help of his walker.
Also non-verbal (not a sound) and with minimal use of his hands,
he seemed to telepathically, for lack of a better word, get me to understand that he wanted to go for a walk in the grassy area outside of their covered  and fenced in porch.
I had to fit his walker sideways through a narrow gate, then go back in for him to lead him to his walker.
And in what seemed to take forever and yet in an instant--
We were understanding each other with very minimal cues.
We walked side by side until he stopped at a spot he seemed to like.
Then, in a curious turn of events--he parked his walker and then took my arm to use me as his walker--and led me back to the porch.
Now we were walking fast.
His body language was urgent.
As we headed back to where we came from, I glanced back at the walker we left behind,  wondering what we were doing.
Back in the porch, he decisively led me to a 17-year-old girl in a wheelchair.
Still using me as his walker, Roy took my left hand and placed it on the left handle of the girl's wheelchair.
My right hand he positioned on the right handle of the wheelchair.
I understood.
As I wheeled her towards the narrow gate, he somehow indicated a latch I had not noticed before, to make the opening wider to fit her wheelchair.
And we were off.
Pushing the girl's wheelchair, Roy hanging on my arm--I made our way back to the walker.
Once we got there, Roy made me park her wheelchair beside him while he sat on the cushioned bench of his walker.
He was clearly satisfied.
Facing them, I stared quizzically.
Then it suddenly dawned on me.
"Wait a minute," I said.
"I think I know what is going on here. I think we have a love connection."
Roy's face remained unchanged.
But the girl, without being able to focus her gaze on me (I was not sure if she could see) broke into a huge grin.
I was unable to pronounce that girl's name--which is why I don't remember it--but I will never forget her look of pure joy.

After my interaction with Roy and the girl, something mysterious shifted in me, and I suddenly felt like I could understand the unspoken language of the facility.
A 12 year old boy approached me and I was able to play ball with him and other children.
When we left that day, I felt an overwhelming love for each and every resident of the
Tegwyn Special Unit in Kingston, Jamaica. (<--please help)

Processing this now weeks later, this is what I know.

I know that the little bit of connection at Tegwyn made my heart crack open.
I am also aware that when I had no love in me towards them, they felt it and were not interested in interacting. But, when I returned with a peaceful heart and a desire to love, the Tegwyn residents became receptive and in turn, allowed me briefly into their lives.

In the beginning of this post, I mentioned how physically and mentally exhausted I become after going on any trip.
Strangely enough, this journey, while quite difficult due to
-the sporadic and weak, cold-water showers, non-flushing toilets, the absence of evening quiet and privacy,  the garbage-strewn landscape, the dead dog we walked by as we visited a few invalids in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,
the long stretches of the helter-skelter commute from where we slept to where we worked-
--all of these aspects, surprisingly did not drain me.

The shared goal of service with an incredibly lovely team of 60 selfless people,
the simple but delicious meals coupled with the discipline of focusing on the now,
made me return home energized.
(Plus our Moms' Evening Tabata Workouts and
our 'Rose, Thorn, Bud' sessions definitely enriched.)

And, if my sole purpose for going was to improve my relationship with my daughter, then I will say that we've taken a step in the right direction.

Claudine

Late last June I got a Facebook friend request from Claudine, a friend from college whom I had not seen in over twenty years. We were actually friends-in-law--I knew her through Augie, a close friend of mine.

Me, Augie and Claudine, Los Angeles, Ca. 1993.

I accepted the friend request but was unable to exchange messages with her right away.
It was the end of July before I remembered to write to her before leaving for our family vacation.
(On my list of things to do before leaving: stop the mail, contact the dog sitter, clean the bathrooms, write to Claudine)
When she responded, she told me that she was having health problems.
Serious ones.  The type with the stages.
By the time our correspondence continued,  I was already in Florida-- but because of the nature of her personal news,  I did not mention that I was on vacation.
I think I withheld that information because it felt out of place in a conversation about chemotherapy.
Claudine mentioned that Augie was going to visit her from Texas in a few days.
I was happy for her. I even requested that they take pictures of Augie's visit.
Before I signed off, I told her that I was going to pray for her. And I did.
That evening, I told Steve about my friend's condition and he confirmed that it was grave.
~~~~~
While I was in Florida, I made a conscious decision not to post pictures online.
I was trying to be present, and in the moment--instead of focusing on the perfectly staged shot to share with friends.  I stuck to this decision until six days into the trip I felt the urge to post this photo of Steve on Facebook.  (Something about the beauty of the double rainbows and the symbol of God’s promise)

The picture posted together with our location: TopGolf, Tampa Florida.
Suddenly I received a message from Claudine:
“Are you in Tampa?” she inquired.
I said, "yes, I've been here since Saturday. Tomorrow is our last full day here. We leave Saturday morning. Why?"
She said, "Augie is here with me, and she said that you posted a picture saying that you are here too."
I was so confused.
All this while I thought that Claudine still lived in Los Angeles.
I had no idea that while we were chatting earlier in the week--that we were already in the same city.  Claudine was excited that I was in town, but because she had chemotherapy scheduled for the next morning, she wanted Augie to be able to see me. She offered that Augie drive her car while she was at her session.
I told her that I would go to see them, because I wanted to see her.

It was past midnight on Thursday, but right away I asked Steve if he could drive me first thing in the morning about 45 minutes away.  I wanted to get there before Claudine left for the hospital.
I asked Steve because I don’t drive well in unfamiliar cities or at all.
Steve agreed to take me, (which in itself is a miracle as Steve is not a morning person)
~~~~~
The next morning, although we hit traffic and sudden torrential rain, we got to Claudine’s house on time.  The moment I stepped in,  for some reason, Claudine, Augie and I started laughing about one
thing after another.  Our time together was brief but filled with so much joy.

me, Claudine, her sister Melina, Augie: Tampa, Florida 7/31/2015

Perhaps our giddiness was brought on by the serendipitous nature of finding ourselves all together in one place.  (I had not seen Augie in eight years, and Claud’s sister Melina who now lives in Tacoma,  I don’t think I’ve seen since our college days)
We chatted, laughed and teased each other non-stop until Claudine excused herself to get ready for her appointment.
While Claudine was in the shower, out-of-the-blue Augie suddenly asked me,
“What made you come?”
I asked, "you mean here for vacation?”
She said--“no, here,  this morning.”
I looked at her and said: “I wanted to pray for her.”
Augie’s already large eyes got even larger as she said, "Chesca. This is why I decided to come too.”
"I wanted to pray with her because  “When two or more are gathered...” Augie started to say...
I interrupted her:
“...There I am in their midst.”  (-Matt 18:20)
~~~~~
I don’t know how to put into words the experience of praying with Claudine and Augie that morning, amidst the mist and steam of Claudine’s after-shower bathroom.
(It was the only private place we had as Steve, Claudine’s family and guests were in the living room)
The three of us held each other praying for healing, with uncontrollable tears streaming down our faces.
By the time we were done praying--there was a serenely peaceful look on Claudine’s face that I shall
never forget.

7/31/2015

~~~~~
Last week,  I made the 300 mile drive to visit my mother for her birthday.
Right before I pulled out of my driveway, I got a message from Augie telling me that Claudine needed prayers.
I spent the next 5 hours of my drive, praying for Claudine.
I was unsure of exactly what to pray for.
I prayed for miraculous healing, but I also prayed for God’s Will for her and that if she was to go, that she transitioned peacefully without suffering.
I wish that this is the part where I report a miracle, that Claudine defied all medical prognosis and is well today.
But that is not the case.
A few hours later, as I was in the middle of planting a huge flowering Chrysanthemum plant for my mom in honor of her 85th birthday, I got the message from Augie telling me that Claudine had passed away.
She was 45 years old.
~~~~~
I’ve been pondering, processing and trying to figure out what that whole experience was all about.
What I do know is that, although I was not close to Claudine, being drawn to contact her and see her 41 days before her death has left me with an unmistakeable gift that I hope I never forget.
The peace, joy and confidence I saw in her eyes gave me so much comfort.
It somehow reminded me that a lot of what makes me crazy on a daily basis, does not really matter.
While this may sound like I am giving up on life, on the contrary, I feel compelled to keep doing my best but to do so while surrendering the outcome.
I hope that I become as calm as her when I near the end of my life...or at the very least in my life today as I live through the experience of parenting teenagers.
Seeing Claudine smile ever so sweetly as she was dealing with her terminal illness has pushed me to assess my approach to each day.
I am grateful that my Claudine Experience is encouraging me to:
1. Give up worry.
2. Forgive
3. Do my best in all I do, but let go of all expectations.
4. Stop wrestling with life.
5. Live fearlessly and with great faith in God.
6. Have only good intentions in all I do
7. Let go of my ego
8. Keep my mind and heart open
9. Love
10. Just do it.

(For my friend Claudine:  1/19/1970-9/10/2015)

Thought for the day:

10 Bible Verses For Inspiration, Comfort And Strength:

"Jesus answered, his blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents' sins. He is blind so that God's power might be seen at work in him."
-John 9:3

"Jesus said to him, Get up, pick up your mat and walk."
-John 5:8

"Aeneas, Peter said to him, Jesus Christ makes you well. Get up and make your bed."

-Acts 9: 34

"We are often troubled, but not crushed; sometimes in doubt, but never in despair; there are many enemies, but we are never without a friend; and though badly hurt at times, we are not destroyed."
-2 Corinthians 4:8-9

"We also boast of our troubles, because we know that trouble produces endurance."
-Romans 5:3

"Happy is the person who remains faithful under trials, because when he succeeds in passing such a test, he will receive as his reward the life which God has promised to those who love him."
-James 1:12

"For we fix our attention, not on things that are seen, but on things that are unseen.  What can be seen lasts only for a time, but what cannot be seen, lasts forever."
-2 Corinthians 4:18

"Don't worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always asking Him with a thankful heart. And God's peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus."

-Philippians 4:6-7

"At all times carry faith as a shield; for with it you will be able to put out all the burning arrows shot by the evil one."
-Ephesians 6:16

"Be joyful always, pray at all times, be thankful in all circumstances.  This is what God wants from you in your life in union with Christ Jesus."
-1 Thessalonians 5:16-17

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is Friday.
May is almost over.
Our SH Elementary school chapter ends as Gabi graduates from 8th grade today.

Getting Ready For A Busy Weekend

As I prepare to run down the checklist of things to do before my niece Erica's wedding tomorrow, allow me to post a good article on relationships that I think would be most helpful not only for the about-to-be-marrieds but for anyone who values their relationships in life.

---------

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-13866/5-common-mistakes-that-can-end-any-relationship.html


---------

MayL

May is usually the month swamped in school functions, deadlines, anniversaries, graduations, banquets, weddings, birthdays, shows and transitions.

It seems that if I were to chart the topography of my year, May seems to be my "valley month."

The busyness, rattles me. 

Nothing earth shaking, just a low grade drowning that I can, for the most part, disguise. 

This May,  I received two surprises in the mail from friends from yesteryear.

The first one was a post card from San Francisco from my friend, Mary Jane.

The second one was a Watercolor calendar was from Toronto from my friend since I was 6, Becky.

Both went to Maryknoll (an all girls school in Manila a lifetime ago.)

I am amazed by their thoughtfulness and the synchronistic arrival of their mail. 

These notes came "for no reason" yet they had no idea how grateful I was to get it.

Friends old and new are really God's messengers.

I am documenting this as a reminder to myself and to anyone else reading this.

When you are at peace with yourself and you feel an urge to reach out to a friend, an acquaintance or even an old enemy--DO IT. You will never know when you are being used Divinely.

Peace Pilgrim Quotes and Some Questions Asked Of Me, Answered.

"Many common problems are caused by wrong attitudes.  People see themselves as the center of the universe and judge everything as it relates to them. Naturally you won't be happy that way. You can only be happy when you see things in proper perspective: all human beings are of equal importance in God's sight, and have a job to do in the divine plan."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q. You often refer to your old self as opposed to your new self--what is different about you today from who you were ten years ago?

Ten years ago I looked happy on the outside but was miserable on the inside.

I was unhappy. I suffered depression on and off.

I took a lot of things personally.

I tried to control everything and please everyone.

I was lonely and lost...but no one really knew it. Not even me.

I disguised my unhappiness by being sociable, traveling, connecting with everyone and anyone.
It was exhausting.

Ten years ago, I did not believe in God.

Now I believe in God. 

Q. Are you a hermit.

A. No, but I want to be one. Or a monk. Or a nun.

I find silence peaceful. However, one can not be a hermit, monk or nun when one is a wife and a mother. So I try my best to be sociable not only to my family but to people who care to wade through my moat. 

Q. Why do we suffer? Why do I always suffer? How do I stop suffering?

A. Off the cuff, the root of all suffering is our ego and the great effort we take to protect it and build it.  The ego is super competitive.

It wants to feel good, and better than others--the ego wants to win.

Interestingly enough, I notice that I suffer whenever I feel superior or inferior.

I suffer whether I feel "right" or "wronged."

My suffering exponentially grows when I dwell on either scenario.

I believe this is because anything driven by the ego is not good for your soul.

When you crack the code on banishing the ego, you will experience everlasting joy and peace.

So to put this into practice, if you are able to make any and all experiences, whether good or bad just pass through--without clinging to it--without needlessly turning it over and over to examine it from every angle--you will eliminate suffering.

I think this can be done when we learn to surrender the outcome and establish the habit of gratitude.

Q. "The habit of gratitude" sounds very fadish and cliche. 
When life is awful, how is it even possible to be grateful? 

A. Take it or leave it. I have discovered there is always something to be thankful for. And, get this, when you start focusing on one thing that you can be grateful for, it starts to multiply. Joy begets joy.  Gratitude attracts more blessings and love to flow towards you. If all else fails and you feel you have nothing to be thankful, start by being thankful that you have eyes to browse the internet, and the ability to breathe.
The converse of this, is also true--complaining makes one more miserable.
When you open the door to hatred, you also let in other negative emotions such as jealousy, depression, selfishness and anger.
So, anytime you feel a negative emotion coming on--blast it away right away with a prayer or a grateful thought.

"Prayer is a concentration of positive thoughts."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q: What do you do when you suddenly get gripped with that anxiety loop. 
You know the kind, the one that replays in your head over and over that makes you kick yourself, blame yourself for not taking care of something sooner, for wishing you said something, or wishing you had not said what you said... The loop that keeps you up at night, or the loop that makes you want to sleep all day. The loop that makes you feel as if your heart is heavy or makes you feel insignificant. What do you do?

A: The very first thing I do once I realize what is happening in my mind is, I stop.
I almost imagine the sound of brakes screeching in my head. I stop. I put the sound of silence in my head. Try it. STOP. Experiment with making it quiet. It helps me to close my eyes and see black nothingness. I almost do an internal hum (no sound though)
Then I think the words: "God please help me."
Once I am able to experiment with a few seconds of peace, I count breaths.
Sometimes 10 breaths. Sometimes more. It is not an exact science.
I imagine that my  mind is not IN my self but rather outside of me, watching myself.
I observe myself experiencing whatever it is I am experiencing...and with each breath, I imagine myself getting separated further and further away from the situation I am watching. More often than not, I become successful in letting go of whatever is bothering me.

Q. When that does not work, what else do you do to help you stop being bothered by something?

A: As I mentioned in the previous question, I pray. Then I take the time to look deeper at what is actually bothering me. I have learned through various books and meditations is often times when something is bothering me in real time, what appears to be bothering me is not what is seems.
Present day triggers merely remind us of unresolved or unhealed hurts.
So (I am not super successful yet) I take the time to try to remember why the hurt seems familiar.
Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. Either way, I don't repress the hurt.
I feel it with my entire body and then I let it take off without me. I let it go. Visualization helps.
I imagine setting my pain on a train and letting the train leave the station without me.
Try it right now with something that is bothering you.

Q. What is the secret to an enduring marriage?

A. In 2011 I stumbled across the biblical framework for an enduring marriage.
It is the Ephesians 5:33 Marriage Tool.  
The one that states that "each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."
Ever since I started doing my best to follow this approach to marriage, our marriage experienced a significant makeover from the inside out.  The change in my marriage came at the right time too, as in 2011, our first-born was becoming a teenager.  Truly, God was watching over us, as there is no way to withstand the teenage years with parents who do not love and respect each other.
While our marriage is far from perfect, it has gotten very much better.

Q.  How has the ego gotten mixed up with parenting?

A. Every single time we operate out of a desire for our kids to do "better than others" as opposed to

"becoming their best selves" you can be sure the ego is involved.

When this happens, know that you are not parenting effectively out of love but rather you are parenting with the goal of winning.

You will suffer when you allow your ego to help you parent.

It all boils down to motives.

Good intentions, produces good results--(or at the very least, results that are meant to be.)

Evil intentions rarely produce the results good for the soul.

Q. Please explain further what this means: "it all boils down to motives."

A. Perhaps an example may help me explain this better:

It is not good for a parent to insist their child takes piano lessons so the parent can show off the child's talents.  The result of  the pride-clinging over the talented child will eventually cause suffering to both parent and child.

If a parent's motives for insisting their child take piano lessons are so their child develops their brain, learns to be disciplined and so they express themselves creatively--the parent will experience simple joy whenever they listen to their child play the piano--and more importantly, the child will experience this joy too.

"There is a criterion by which you can judge whether the thoughts you are thinking and the things you are doing are right for you.  The criterion is: have they brought you inner peace? If they have not then there is something wrong with them--so keep seeking! If what you do has brought you inner peace, stay with what you believe is right."

~Peace Pilgrim

Q. How do you deal with difficult people?

A. I have been asked this and I feel almost sheepish answering this because of the fact that most of the time I stay home. I don't leave my house unless I have to. But the rare occasion that I am exposed to difficult people or situations, I find myself automatically switching to prayer mode.
I also immediately remember The Four Agreements: I don't take things personally, I don't assume anything, I try to be impeccable with my words and I do my best.
While we can't always help how and whom we spend each moment of our lives with, we can certainly choose to make every encounter with other humans as best as can be by being kind.
For the toxic people though, I interact with them only as much as my own mental health can handle. If someone is difficult, self-referential or hijacks each encounter with their heavy demeanor, I give them wide berth.  I work on erecting healthy boundaries because in the long run, toxic people do not change if we keep actively participating in their drama.
Life is too short.

"Judging others will avail you nothing and injure you spiritually.  Only if you can inspire others to judge themselves will anything worthwhile have been accomplished."
~Peace Pilgrim

Went To See American Sniper Last Night.

20 minutes into it, Steve got paged.
He left to do an emergency, and since I was already hooked,
I decided to stay.
The movie ended at 9:30 pm.
It was slightly snowy and sleety and 34 degrees cold--
Since I had no car, I jogged home.

(1.6 miles)

But I was not wearing running clothes.
It was a spontaneous decision to go (and to stay)
I was literally wearing my sleeping clothes that I never changed out of.
A ratty T shirt (no bra)
A sweatshirt, boy sweatpants from XC lost-and-found, my old corduroy coat and Uggs.
Oh and a ski hat.

The first and last time I went to the movie theater on foot was to see Silver Linings Playbook.
Coincidentally, both movies had Bradley Cooper starring in it.
It was a very good movie, and that I got a bit of cardio in,  even better.
But this new ability of mine to not shy away from walking/running in the cold is the best.

We are never too old to change what we think we can do.

Product Endorsement Post

Sometimes I tell my family that it is a fend-for-yourself-dinner-night.
Leftovers.
Cereal. Waffles. PB and J. Eggs.
Last night was one of those nights.
Gabi decided to make her Cheesy Egg Omelet.
This is nice except every time she cooks this, she uses a pan that I find difficult to clean.
I am embarrassed to stop her from using the pan, because then I would have to answer a complex question of why I bought the pan in the first place.
Who buys pans just for display purposes?
Who was I trying to impress?
Worse, who did I think I was fooling?
In fairness (to me) these pans were purchased during my past life.

Back to today.
She seems to have noticed that this pan is not the easiest to clean.
She asks if it is possible that since she had to make herself dinner, could I clean the pan for her?
I agree.
This morning, I have a million things to do, yet I am laboring over getting this pan back to a semblance of shiny.
I want to complain in my head.
I want to be angry.
I want to go back to my feelings of regret about purchasing these unnecessary pans.
Then, I remember to stop before I "go there."

Instead, I recall that my friend DZ gave me a product to use for stubborn messes.

I retrieve it and start using it on the pan.
It worked.
Suddenly my mind made the switch to gratefulness.
I became grateful for hot running water, and for the time I had to clean the pan.
I remember to be grateful for friends who help me sort through life's messes.

(We all need to surround ourselves with a core group of supportive people, people who cheer you on, who encourage you, who want nothing but the best for you, and you for them.)

This Bar Keepers Friend not only works on getting the shine back on my pans and stove but also serves to remind me about being grateful about having friends that are "keepers."

One Red Feather Christmas Tree, Four Bins and The Four Agreements

I am attempting to simplify my life, Christmas included.
So this year I put a fraction of my Christmas decorations out,  set some aside for our camp and I am giving the rest (of my secret addiction) away.
It is a process I do not take lightly, considering I may have been using Christmas decorations to self medicate. (more on that later)
Last weekend, I took some carefully selected decorations with me to the camp.
Before getting there, we stopped at my in-laws to say hello.
My MIL's home was decorated so-very-beautifully for Christmas.
Just lovely--as my MIL has really good taste.

Previously, she had asked me if I minded if she decorated a little bit for me at our hunting place.
I told her, "sure!"
I was confident that I would love whatever she did, plus, I was lazy to do it myself.
I was surprised  when I arrived at the property and was greeted by a rather u-g-l-y  red feather Christmas tree, and a few other items (not photographed) that I never knew she had.
(even Pax was assaulted)

Cautiously, I asked Steve if the tree and its companions had any sentimental value, or significance to his life.
He said he had never seen them before.
I did not like it.
Suddenly, a range of emotions came over me and
I went against "The Four Agreements."

So I took everything down and started redecorating with the things I brought with me.

Truly there is value in occupational therapy because four large empty bins later,
I felt my anti-agreement sentiments melting away.
I realized while decorating, that it was my ego that was choosing the negative thoughts that I had.
I am betting that there is a story behind some of those things she thought I would enjoy.
So I incorporated them back into my holiday display (for now).
I decided to see my MIL's bequeathing of a funky feather Christmas tree to me as a compliment.
She knows that she has an unconventional daughter-in-law that insists on choosing the crappiest Christmas trees:

and transforming them into beautiful backdrops to the story of Jesus' birth.

And so in honor of her honoring the quirky in me, I am keeping the vintage red feather table top christmas tree.

However, she does not know this  (and she does not read this blog) but some of the other stuff may have to go--
after all in the spirit of simplifying, sometimes less is more.
And, I don't need to self-medicate anymore  (for now).

Commercial Break: I Forgot All About This Picture That Was Emailed To Me Last May.

The first picture was sent to me by my niece Aneka.
She is still in contact with the Daniel Hoffman and Mikaela Ingals.
They met for coffee somewhere in Europe, he lives in Israel and she lives in London.
They wanted to send me a message. But since I have been off Facebook for over a year now, they decided to send it to Aneka, who lives in Manila.

The second picture was taken on my 25th birthday.
These were my preschool students 23 years ago. All their parents worked at the Refugee camp.
Aneka is on my right.
Daniel is the little boy third from left (only his eyes are seen)
Mikaela is the little girl third from right holding a red cup.

When I got this picture, I was
"not feeling very well."
But I remember feeling lifted by the
'Hello Teacher Chesca' message.
The point of this post is this,  when you feel compelled to pick up the phone or send a message to someone--Do it.
You never know how much the person receiving the note may be needing it.
(Within reason of course. Do not message your former dealer or anyone that is not healthy for you)

Did You Know (edited)

... that most newer cars in this country have a triangle shaped arrow indicator  beside the gas pump icon  that tells you which side the little gas tank door is on?

I did not know this.

I can not tell you how many times I have had to stick my head out of the window or make one of my kids stick her head out of the window right before pulling into a gas station.

Updated: while driving yesterday, I took notice of the fact that our 10 year old car does not have this feature.

I Have Other Back Stories To Finish Writing About But First Things First:

Yesterday was Sunday.
Before heading out for more volleyball (G's team made it to the playoffs), we went to church at  11 AM at the Oratory.
The chapel was full--standing room only--and it is a small chapel--it seats about 100 people.
The priest was standing in the back waiting to march down the aisle.
His position was creating a bit of a human quagmire for the rest of us standing near him.
One woman seemed particularly anxious to get around me--but I could not move until the priest processed.
She kind of bumped me, not meanly, but clearly intent on getting somewhere.
It sort of reminded me of being in a mall in Manila.
As soon as the priest started moving forward, I was able to get out of the woman's way.
She scurried and scooched herself into a pew.
"Ah." I said to myself.
"She had her eye on a spot and was determined to nab it."
"No wonder she was bulldozing anything in her path."
Just as I was getting ready to launch a full blown irritated thought attack directed at the woman, a funny thing happened.
The woman suddenly turned around to face me and motioned for me to sit beside her.
(she actually somewhat bump-slid the people in her pew with her butt to make room for me. I smiled at her and declined.)

I was taken aback.
First of all, I didn't even know that she was aware of me--
and secondly, her gesturing to me and thoughtfully making more space stopped my negative thinking instantly and allowed me to focus on the mass.

This morning I was pondering that interesting experience and realized a couple of things.

1. I've read numerous times that what we see in others is a reflection of ourselves.
And that everyone we meet is our mirror. That the traits that we don't care for in others is usually something we don't like about ourselves. (there are exceptions to this of course: animal torture, child abuse, murder, etc...I am pretty sure do not fall under this heading)
The good news is, supposedly the fact that we get annoyed is a sign that this buried down trait has bubbled to the surface and is ready to be healed. And it can be healed if we are honest about it and ready to let go of that trait.
So here I am accepting that I have a personality trait that can bulldoze things in my path to get what I want. I am hoping that I won't be that way anymore.

2. Our thoughts are all very connected. I am pretty sure that I was not the only person the woman bumped to get to where she was going--however, perhaps I was the only one that got irritated.
That she singled me out and offered me a seat makes me remember just how powerful thoughts and vibes are. Thoughts are our prayers. This is why we should think kindly.  The universe hears our thoughts and responds accordingly. God is in everyone, yes even in annoying people.

Romans And Friday

"We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those to whom he has called according to His purpose." ~Romans 8:28

The book of Romans in the Bible is St. Paul's most thorough letter of instructions to the early followers of Jesus.  He stresses the importance of faith and how being reliant on God during both the ups and downs of life bring us closer to God.
This closeness to God, or this pervasive dependence on God, brings peace.
If we are to believe Paul, then the difficulties we encounter are all part of a Divine plan.
If we have unwavering faith, living a life in constant peace is within our reach. (really??!?)
If we let God, we can be transformed inwardly by a complete change of our mind.
We will be able to trust God's will and in effect, please Him.

Hmmmm. When SHTF, who would not want the ability to experience tranquility and calm?
So today I apply some Romans.

Just like in Romans 8:38-39,  I believe that
Nothing can separate us from the love of God:
Neither a troubled teacher nor a busted tire
neither the temporary loss of partial vision, nor the misuse of a kitchen spice
neither the present or the future....or even the long commute for volleyball on a friday evening--
nothing will shake my faith in God.

I may get angry for a few minutes, I may entertain feelings of dread but if I consistently attempt to live with faith and love in my heart, I believe that all will be well.
(it's called expectant faith)

Aside from applying Romans...did you know that making a paste out of ground nutmeg and water and applying it all over the forehead can relieve a migraine and promote sleep?
I did not know this.

Back To School Quote:

"Outside your comfort zone is where growth happens."
~unknown

Some Lessons From The Summer Of 2014 Or...And Then The Fire Trucks Came

(Firemen in the background: KW, 7/30/14)

By the time they came floating down the river to where I was, I was still working on getting the kindling to catch fire.  There was some smoke.  One of G's friends named Penny asked, "were you able to make a fire?"
I said, "not yet--but if I get this going Pens, it will be a miracle."
She clarified, "so you're saying it's impossible?"
I said, "no but this is only the second camp fire I've ever started and yesterday I had help."
(I was talking about the Duraflame Firestarter, not God)
She interrupted me, "you can do it."
Lesson #1: When you express your confidence/trust in someone, it makes that person determined to succeed.

At dusk, after making dinner over the fire, the kids went off to go frog hunting. I stayed by the camp fire and told them to pick me up before going back to the house. Unfortunately they ended up getting lost.  They eventually found their way back but not before darkness fell and four girls were disoriented and terrified.
Lesson#2: Establish the boundaries before fear creates them.

I have been really enjoying our camp even if it not yet 100% completely done.
I've driven back and forth and played camp host to different groups of people during the various stages of the camp's construction.
Lesson#3: Don't wait. Life is now.

Being at the hunting camp for many days in July has made me neglect the garden I worked on last June.
Lesson#4: Everything in moderation. If you don't balance your time wisely or make provisions for changes in your schedule, you are bound to neglect something.
Unless of course you are avoiding something...

Like I was.
I was avoiding gown shopping.
With just a little bit over a week left to go--we went out and bought a gown that K needed for a scholarship and recognition program that she was coerced to participate in.
We bought the first dress she tried on from the first store we went to, which was a secondhand store.
The whole process including driving time took 20 minutes.
Lesson#5: Just Do It.

Last weekend we attended K's Miss Teen Of Pennsylvania Scholarship and Recognition Program held in Central Pa.
It was not a beauty pageant.
It was like an AAU tournament for poise and brains.
I was definitely out of my element.
Lesson#6: Growth Happens Every Time You Step Out Of Your Comfort Zone.

I nearly caved and almost allowed K to back out of attending this event.
(I actually telephoned the organizer to inquire about pulling her out)
It was for purely selfish reasons.
I was afraid of the unknown, participation delayed our departure date for our family vacation to Florida but most importantly,
I did not want to be a pageant mom.
Lesson#7: It Is Not About Me

As it turns out, the Miss Teen of Pennsylvania Program ended up being a positive experience for K.
Out of 68 teenaged girls ranging from 14 to 18 years old from all over the state, she ended up in the final 6.
The only 6 girls that had to go through  2 extra sets of on-the-spot interview questions that were answered in front of hundreds of people.
By that time I was feeling rather ill.
(I felt like it was the spelling bee all over again.)
Lesson #8: Be in the now and stop labeling experiences as a "like" or "dislike."
All will be well. I promise.

While she is not Miss Teen Of Pennsylvania 2014--she is Miss BRAVE and COOPERATIVE in my book.  I was very proud of her and I am thankful that Steve insisted that she participate in it.
She clearly experienced lesson #6. And so did I.
Stepping out of my comfort zone is challenging but it certainly opens up more possibilities in life for joy and fulfillment.
Lesson #9: Saying yes to life (within reason) increases your chances of making it a habit to think positive.

Right after the program ended that evening, we drove three hours to get back home...only to unpack and repack to leave the next morning for Key West--where we are right now.
Although I typically would have preferred to cocoon in my own bed for a long time after a stressful an exciting weekend, being on vacation does not allow it.
It is only our third night here but so far there has been running, swimming, lobster hunting snorkeling, eating, drinking, grocery shopping, crab hunting, stand-up paddle boarding, shark spotting, beaching, floating, scooter riding, walking, hammock buying, praying, laughing, corn holing and bocce balling, sleeping, sitting, community table eating, socializing, sunset cruising, and then this evening I accidentally caused two firetrucks to come to the house we are renting.
While everyone was out on the beach, I decided to pan fry a few burgers for dinner.
Somehow I set off the smoke detector that has a scandalously loud, institution-grade fire alarm that immediately summoned not only everyone at the beach and the neighbors but also the fire department.
Being renters, we did not have the code to stop the alarm nor the authority to keep the 10 firemen from descending upon me and my now, well done burgers.
I was embarrassed.
It took almost an hour to get the alarm to turn off.
Did I mention I was embarrassed?
Lesson #10: This Too Shall Pass, material conditions positive or negative, are temporary.

And when all else fails, there's always Five Guys, which is exactly where some of us ended up going for a late dinner.
Maybe I should just stick to cooking over a camp fire.

Just Got Back From Roch

The girls (and Pax) and I drove 300 miles to visit my mother over the weekend.
The last time I saw her was between Christmas and New Year's day.
I slept in my dad's office/computer room surrounded by all his stuff.
Since his death five years ago, this was my first time to really examine his library.
He was a big underliner and highlighter of phrases so it is an interesting experience to read his books.
It is like having him read over my shoulder, making sure that I do not miss salient points.
I felt even more connected to him  when I discovered that he owned a hardbound copy of one of my favorite books (that my niece Erica recommended),
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I did not know that he had this.
But I am not surprised.

I recently read a book recommended by DZ called, Silent Voices, The Lives of the Trappists Today by photojournalist Frank Bianco.
Very fascinating, these monks are--so I wanted to visit one of their abbeys which is a 45 minute drive from my mom's house.
Last saturday my mom, my SIL Chari, K, G and I drove 45 minutes 60 minutes to visit the Genesee Abbey in Piffard, NY.
We got lost trying to find it.
As we were meandering through endless cornfields in the middle of well, cornfields-- my SIL Char teased me and predicted, "when we finally get there, the place will be closed for the summer."

It turns out, the chapel was closed for renovation.
(there's that words-become-our-prayer- thingy again.)
But all was not lost since the bread shop was open.
So we bought two loaves of delicious raisin bread.
And the day was still not wasted since I was also able to stalk my friend JB, who was also "in town"
visiting her sister who lives 5 miles away from the abbey.
JB is from a tight knit family and they are beginning to notice that we keep crashing their family events....

We did not stay long, as my eldest brother Jimmy was going to grill pork belly for dinner.
We did not get lost getting back to Roch.
After dropping my SIL off at their house,
and dropping my mom and K off at my mom's house--
G asked to go to a super large Barnes and Noble bookstore.
I dropped her off at the bookstore while I looked for "bear spray" in an outdoor sporting shop nearby.
While they did not sell bear spray, they did have bear proof canisters for sale.
Maybe they should make bear proof tents.
(they do. They are called houses.)

At my brother's house, had a huge dinner of grilled pork belly dipped in crushed garlic vinegar, grilled veggies.
And rice.
For dessert had many servings of creamy ice cream from the local dairy.

Drove back home today after church and a big lunch.
The big lunch was probably a mistake because I got very sleepy during the first 65 miles.
You know that jarring feeling when you realize that you may have been asleep for a split second?
Yep.
So I pulled into a rest stop.
Unfortunately two large tour buses got there before me and so the lines were very long to get a hot cup of coffee.
So I decided to check out the convenience store.
I found bottled iced Starbucks in the refrigerator and bought that instead.
That woke me up.
In fact I realize that it was better than hot coffee because I would not have been able to guzzle that down quickly.
The caffeine kept me alert as I drove through some powerful rain storms on the rest of the drive home.
It must have been pretty strong caffeine, as I am still awake right now, while the rest of my family sleeps.

I think I will counter the caffeine of the bottled Starbucks coffee with a shot of  iChill.
(Which works by the way, iChill, I mean--it is this berry flavored sleep aid concoction sold over-the-counter, but I am not yet sure of any side effects--more tests needed.)
And no,  I have not been paid to advertise either Starbucks or iChill.
Just sharing.

Conquering The Wilderness

We are in the process of having a house/hunting cabin built by the river. It's almost done.
It's already livable, just some features like shower doors, safety railings, window screens, bathroom lights etc are not in yet.

While my family love to stay in it,  I prefer to stay half a mile away--in a woodsy peninsula--in a tent.
I camped last week. All by myself. (okay with Pax)
It was my very first time to sleep in the wilderness with no other humans within earshot.

The next day CK and her family joined us to celebrate the 4th of July.
They too pitched a tent beside my tent.
My brother A and sister-in-law R joined us too, just for the evening--as well as another couple
Mike and Lisa.(<--more about them later)
We gathered around a camp fire roasting stuff to eat.

~~~~~~~~~~
In the evening, I was driving our ATV from our campsite to the house, with CK in the front seat when suddenly--a bear crossed our path a few yards away.
I thought I was imagining it but when CK and I turned to each other, we clutched each other and started screaming. She saw it too.
We went on to the house where we relayed our bear encounter to Steve and his brother Tim.
I was planning to leave the ATV at the house so that they would not have to walk to join us at the camp fire but after seeing a bear, I changed my mind.
We took some kids on the ATV with us, (they were planning to walk) and on the ride back to the camp...
we saw another bear.
G spotted it sitting on the side of the trail.
She yelled: "BEAR!!!"
And this bear promptly popped up and took off.
~~~~~~~~~~

I was aware that the property had bears, but its not like it is teeming with them.
The guys had seen one once during hunting season.
No bears were spotted near the peninsula nor building site--so us seeing two bears in a span of 20 minutes is quite remarkable.
Coincidentally, earlier in the day, while Steve and I were giving CK and her husband CB a tour of the property,
I announced to the three of them that I wanted to see a bear while we were riding the ATV.
(I had never seen one in the wild.)
But I wanted to see one while we were at the "hunting" areas of the property,  not near where I lay sleeping in a tent!!!!  I guess I should have been more specific.
(Sidebar: further proof that our words become our prayers, so we must guard our thoughts and words at all times.)

I was a unnerved by our bear encounters and was feeling unsure about sleeping in our tents that night.
But then after further discussion with CK and CB, we decided to stick to the plan to camp.

Anyhow--that night, once CK and family were in their tent, the non-campers were back at the house and I was back in my tent with Pax, my mind started up again.
I pondered the difference in the camping experience, pre-bear sighting when I was on my solo camping experience and post-bear sighting.
Pre-bear sighting-- the rippling of the river, the sound of leaves rustling, and the occasional assortment of forest noises made me feel both at peace and alive.
Post-bear sighting-- the rippling of the river was making me worried that I would not hear the sound of an approaching bear.
The forest sounds were making me feel like I was not going to be alive for very long.

I felt myself beginning to get worked up.
Then I remembered two things:
-I thought of Daniel in the den of the lions. (Book of Daniel chapter 6) and how God protected Daniel because of his great faith.
-and I remembered to pray.
Then I went to sleep.
The next morning we were so happy to have conquered the wilderness despite our bear sightings.
Or, maybe we were just ecstatic to be alive.

I am becoming a camper.
Camping is another way that I will be able to learn how to live by faith.
In the process I will also learn tips on how to coexist in the woods with bears.
Such as:

1. Don't ever feed the bears. 

So after enjoying food cooked over a fire, we made sure to send every single morsel of food/garbage/refuse back to the house with the non-campers. 

2. Make a lot of noise. 

Bears do not want to be around humans just as much as humans do not want to be mauled by bears. I kept a whistle on me at all times after the bear encounter. 

3. Keep a fire going at your camp site. 

We had tiki torches lit and our bonfire going. 

4. Make sure you are not camping near berry bushes and other bear snackables. 

(I will add to this list as I learn it.)