This is a treat, this here--sitting on my rocking chair and writing on my blog.
It feels slightly wrong to be doing this right now. Like it is extremely self-indulgent, when I have other goals for myself.
Like going through my house and giving away our excess to the Veterans of America.
With this mini writing break, I am rewarding myself--or broadcasting my need to celebrate that I survived Christmas and travel and Christmas travel.
Using the word survived, seems out of place for an occasion that is purported to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Especially with my new found faith, it seems even doubly wrong.
(Okay, on second thought, I shall go back to looking for stuff to give away before the New Year.
While I sort and clear stuff I shall ponder this blog post.)
11 big bags and 5 boxes later for the Veterans
and 15 bags of trash out of my house for trash day, I can now write.
I say survived because I feel like that is what I did.
Any time I step out of the comfort zone of my home, I am not only surviving, but I am also learning.
In the book The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle,
Tolle writes about the vulnerability and insecurity of the ego.
He makes it a point to even specify that even the most seemingly confident people, have egos that are constantly under threat.
This emotion comes across as fear.
He says that ultimately, all fear is the ego's fear of death.
Then he goes on to say that:
"Even such a seemingly trivial and "normal" thing as the compulsive need to be right in an argument and make the other person wrong- defending the mental position with which you have identified-is due to the fear of death." (p. 36)
I have read and heard this line many times, but have had a difficulty really comprehending it until our recent drive home from Rochester.
As I mentioned earlier, Steve was driving like a maniac on the interstate.
But since he is a skilled and excellent driver, I just kept my eyes closed while doing some sort of prayer-meditation thing.
The inability to grasp zen straws started once he decided to let our student driver get behind the wheel.
K is not an experienced driver. She got her permit in mid-november and has not had much opportunity to practice. So when Steve decided that she should take over and drive 65 mph, I became edgy.
But it was when he instructed her to switch to cruise control that my ego spoke up.
Loud and clear.
Yes, I was totally and completely identified with the mental position that student drivers should not use cruise control until they have mastered the ability to control the vehicle at high speeds.
I put my foot down.
I was adamant that I was not about to back down from what I believed.
I may have even threatened to jump out of the car, I don't remember.
It was an out of body experience.
But right in that moment I suddenly got just how my need to be right was directly related to my fear of death.
Only days later did I ponder Steve's point of view.
His need to be right, was related to fear of being "that incompetent car driving inconsistent speeds on the interstate."
Or as Eckart Tolle puts it, the ego thinks that "to be wrong is to die."
Countless relationships have broken down over this need to be right.
Now I get it.