Happy Pills

A headache...but not of the migraine variety.
It felt like my brains were getting squeezed out through my
ear canals-that now seemed to have the diameter of a coffee stirer.
A constant high pitched hum was reverberating through my head.
Hazy is the word that comes to mind.
And really, the ear thing was the most unusual side effect.

On the upside, the normal chatter of my kids no longer sounded constantly irritating to me
(a clear indication that there was something wrong in the first place, hence the chemical course of therapy).

I resisted anti-depressants because I had heard
that it made the highs not too high and the lows not too low.
I guess I feared the loss of ecstasy and the inability to tell when someone was being an asshole to me.
I was afraid that it would cloud my judgement and my ability to react.

After starting the medication, not only did I have the aforementioned side effects, but I also became even more exhausted.
Worst of all, considering I have been known to share too much information about THE best, mind blowing, gum pulsing, tympanic membrane numbing sex...suddenly, nothing.
Not even close.
It felt like I had an epidural in my netherlands.

Apparently, the medicine that was meant to level out my symptoms of depression, was making me so tired that I could barely stay awake to BE depressed.
Is this how it is supposed to work? I wondered.

I explained to my 8 year old that I was taking medicine to make me feel better but that it was making me feel extremely sleepy. She suggested that I start taking it before bed instead of first thing in the morning...(duh)
It worked.

So, even if my personal goal is to never need anything --caffeine, junk, chemicals, new shoes etc . in order to live...
for now I will be happy that:
-I can listen to my kids' voices once more.
-I can begrudgingly do yoga.
-I can shower.
-I can volunteer regularly at my kids' school.
-I can do laundry.
-I can eat.
-I can calmly deal with my crazy dog that suddenly decides to empty his bladder on my daughter's bed...
-I can commit to life.

but most important of all, I am happy to report that
Lexapro is not Steve-proof--
I can still fight with him with as much systematic venom and stamina as I have ever had in all our 13 years.