42 was a difficult year.
Oddly, all the loss and trials seemed to leave me feeling stronger, more confident that I can and will make it through whatever life throws at me.
And it made me more clear about what I can take and what I won't take.
It started with something that, in retrospect, seems fairly benign but was a very big deal at the time.
It is a real challenge to deliver one's first seminar to adults. Unbeknownst to me, it's also a very big deal to create such a seminar--my sister Karen, creates and delivers training seminars to adults all the time. She is rather nonchalant about it.
Fortunately, I was not aware of just how difficult when I committed to create and deliver a seminar early this year.
It was a seminar on the importance of relationships and in order to make it through my prep, I put all my relationships on hold. (No, the irony did not escape me.)
And as if the seminar was not enough challenge, the universe conspired to test my resilience by giving me the grave news of my dad's illness shortly before I presented my seminar.
We did not have very long to prepare ourselves for dad's departure, but the little time we had was such a huge gift. My dad was so tickled to have all 9 children around him and I felt so proud and pleased to be a part of his family. Even after he passed, I held him, trying to absorb the last of this man who gave me so much of who I am. I love that I got to spend so much time with him in his last days. What I had not planned on was the dislocation that followed from dad's passing. Two things happened. Our family changed in ways that surprised me. I got to spend more time with my siblings than any time since when they would have argued about whose turn it was to wipe my bum...(Okay - so that's an exaggeration, but not by much.) And after the initial rush and excitement, I realized that I simply didn't have room to deal with certain kinds of relationships. Separation was painful but not as draining as continuing to allow relationships that made me feel defensive or unloved. There is nothing like feeling completely drained to make a person evaluate what depletes and what restores. One of the few good things about a year of loss is that a person can only take so much. Last year, this would have rocked me far more, I am sure.
So many of the relationships that define me have changed and so have I. Maybe the first part of life is about finding out who you are and the second part of life is accepting who you are not. After what I've gone through, I know my limits more but I also trust me more and that's a good thing. One thing I have learned is that no matter who comes or goes in my life, I hang out with me all the time. And that's a relationship I'm determined will be a happy one. For the first time in all my years living here in the States, I did an un-American thing and invited people to my very own birthday party. I can honestly say: 43, I am ready for you.
