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8.25.2006

up the creek without a paddle


i am a worrier.
perhaps it is due to my genetic predisposition, having been born to master worriers...
or mining through life experiences that has taught me to be
"ready for any eventuality" (as is my gift):

as a child, i was never prepared.
in third grade, i was to play jesus in the crucifixion.
i did not bother to learn the seven last words.
on the day of the play,
i hung (myself out to dry)
...improvising the dialogue of a dying man.

i coasted along grade school and high school.
it wasn't that i didn't care. i just conveniently forgot that school had homework, tests, and the need to memorize the multiplication table.

as an adult, i moved halfway around the world.
twenty steps and eight minutes past immigration, i somehow lost my passport/ hard to obtain visa/document to identify myself as legal in this country.
although it was luckily recovered, it may have been the beginning of my unsettlement.

now i am anal. i no longer wing it.
i do not welcome that physical sensation that accompanies the
"oh sh**" feeling i get when i realize that i have messed up:
my ears get very hot, perhaps from my heart beating in them and
my face feels like it is closing into my nose.

i arrive at airports with plenty of time to spare.
i memorize driving maps like i am preparing for the bar exams.
i am rehearsed for anything that may present itself...
fire escape plans, drownings, intruders, the dangers of plastic bags...etc.

i have a calendar. three of them. there is back-up information on my fridge, my desk and in my make-up bag--just so i am prepared.

apparently it is not foolproof.
it was a rather unpleasant jolt i felt when after much build up and emotional preparation for the end of summer, i discovered that i had inadvertently let my children miss their first day of school.

this, this is why i worry.

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