A few days ago Pax seemed off.
I mean more off than his normal off that had started when we thought we were losing him last December.
I sensed it was time.
So after a chat with his vet, I decided to take him on a 90 mile road trip, to enjoy one last trip to our camp.
Gabi was so kind to accompany me.
We spent a couple of hours out there so that he could get one last paddle in, and a last ATV ride in too. Things he loved to do.
I think the real reason I wanted to take him to the pond was to see if he had the strength, energy and desire to paddleboard.
That was going to tell me all I needed to know about making his euthanasia appointment.
Riding my stand up paddle board was his absolute favorite activity in the world.
The moment he saw the paddle board his eyes lit up and he tried to get up but couldn’t.
So I carried him onto the board and we paddled for almost an hour.
Gabi and I took turns.
We knew it was going to be his last ride so we weren’t going to half ass it.
Then we took him (and the two other dogs) on an ATV ride until the sun almost set.
The sky was beautiful that day.
I remember because Gabi pointed it out.
I’m glad she did because I honestly don’t think I would have looked up because of how preoccupied I was with Pax’s “lasts.”
It was after 10 pm Thursday night by the time we got back to our house.
I fed him part of my junior bacon cheeseburger before we settled down on the dining room floor.
I slept beside him.
Any time he woke up, I was awake too.
Actually I don’t think I slept.
His breathing pattern changed through the night.
He was clearly on the decline.
On Friday morning I called the vet and made the appointment for 4 pm.
Kika was given the day off from work because her boss knew what we were going through.
So while waiting for Steve to come home from work- Kika, Gabi, and I plus Roxie and Boomer kept Pax company.
He had a little bit of the banana that my friend Julie brought over at 7:30 am. She stopped in to say goodbye to him.
Julie was one of Pax’s favorite people.
At 10:30 am Pax had his last meal: Haagen Dazs strawberry ice cream.
As if to assure us that we were making the right decision, Pax
started crossing himself over the rainbow bridge before his scheduled appointment.
As soon as Steve got home
we quickly moved his appointment up so that a vet and the lovely technician named Ashley could gently assist him.
Steve, Kika, Gabi and I were holding him until he was gone.
He died a little bit after 3 pm.
Immediately after, Steve and I made the 90 mile journey back to camp to lay him to rest.
His grave overlooks my prayer labyrinth.
I woke up today feeling completely unmoored.
It’s not just because the past seven months have been consumed by caring for this guy either. It’s because Pax has been my faithful companion for 14 years.
This guy has been with me through all the ups and downs of mothering, wife-ing and being.
From giving me the confidence and reason to conquer a drive from Pittsburgh to Key West, Florida,
to walking me out of depression and despair,
To being beside me as I slept in a tent SOLO in the woods.
Pax helped me to become.
When Pax met me I was a different person than I am today.
I would like to think actually no, I am sure that he left me a better person than when he found me.