How I Got Reconnected With God

"I have to admit something to you," she said. "I don't pray anymore"
"That's okay," I replied. "in time, you will again."

This is a conversation I had a couple of weeks ago with a friend of mine after I openly prayed for her while she was going through a panic attack at Target.
I told her that not too long ago, that I too for many years had quit praying because
I stopped believing in God.
I even stopped pretending to believe in God.
When my daughters were 6 and 8 years old, they clamored to attend Easter Vigil, so I dropped them off at the church and picked them after.
(Yes, you read that right, they attended the long Easter Vigil mass two years in a row--by themselves--without parents.)

After a few years of denying the existence of God--my life started becoming even more intolerable.
But I disguised it by being social on the outside and then literally hiding and going underground to recharge my exhausted acting muscles.
To help me perform I started using more alcohol--and then worked double hard to keep checking the box on parenting despite chaotic internal turmoil.
It became a pattern of living.
I lived like this until I almost lost my family.
But I didn't.
And this is when God found me.

I did not have a sudden "God experience" that led to my "conversion" either.
No evangelist knocking on my door, no spiritual guru, no mommy bible study group...
It actually started when my friend CK introduced me to meditation.
Buddhist type meditation, no less.
Learning to sit quietly, just breathing--somehow cleared a pathway between me and God.

Through the support of friends and through countless other blessings that seemed to "coincidentally" appear right after I hit the very bottom of despair, I suddenly noticed God.
But the kindness of Steve is where I really felt God.
I will not go into detail, but you have to believe me when I tell you that God is real.
Trust me on this one.

It has led me to return to regular Mass attendance.
It has encouraged me to start reading my Bible.
It has compelled me to carve out a daily prayer time.
It has allowed me to experience the power of prayer.
It has opened up my heart to life.
It has made me start exercising--if you've known me for a long time, you would know that the fact that I now run--is a miracle.

The question is, am a 100% cured of what plagues me?
The actual answer is, nothing real plagues me.
Just thoughts about the past (and worry about the future), but thoughts are not real.
Right this very second, I am not experiencing anything disturbing.
Right this very second I am not experiencing anything that can cause guilt, shame or blame.
Am I cured of my unreal thoughts?
Most of the time I am,  and when my unreal thoughts bother me, it is much easier to deal with it now that I have newish faith in God (my reconnection happened in 2011, so it is fairly new) and knowledge of the indwelling Holy Spirit.
When SHTF,  I just pray.