Birthdays and the Effort of Surprise part 2

https://exskindiver.blogspot.com/2015/12/birthdays-and-effort-of-surprise.html

The tradition Elaine started continues in 2022 

(Happy Birthday Elaine 2/23)

Meet my new friend Jen. 

She celebrated her birthday yesterday.

I met her a few months ago when I sent her an email about sharing yoga at a facility that she is the executive director for.

The site is still under renovation so I have not started yet, but nevertheless we are now connected through social media.

When she announced that she was celebrating the success of her fundraiser and celebrating her 2/22/22 birthday by wearing a tutu, I felt compelled to surprise her.

I have to tell you I was nervous to do it.

Did I mention that we aren’t close friends?

Plus, it was a rainy day, not really the best day to be traipsing around in a tutu.

Also, when I arrived at the place where I thought she would be- she wasn’t there. Awkward. 

I was directed to go to a different office.

Aaaaargh. I almost chickened out. 

But I remembered again my dear friend Elaine who did something similar for me on my 15th birthday. (See link above)

So I went anyway.

The look on her face when I walked into her office made everything worth it.

Draft

"By the third time, the spiciness and the crunchiness, together with the spicy Louisiana secret sauce plus the fixins, failed to evoke the same joy and wonder as the first time"-My brother Ayo, describing a Popeye chicken sandwich

my resonse:
"Ayo, When relationships end, (in this case with a chicken sandwich) it is a clearing.
A new space for relationships (or other food) that are more in alignment. Trust your taste buds."

For some reason, reading his description of food made me ponder tastes, preferences and relationships.
It made me take stock of where I am in my life and how I choose to spend my time.
Reminicent of that popular quote, people come into in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime...

It is all cyclical.

Under Construction

Just like my home is under some minor repairs, so is my mental state. 

It hasn't yet reached an alarming point. 

I am just taking note so I know to be proactive instead of having to dig myself out of a hole.

While I want to blame my mental state on the work being done here, blah blah blah workers in my exercise and prayer space--I know it is also due to changes in our family's life.

Kika moved out to a house with three other roommates and even if she is not far from us, I miss her so much.

We all miss her.

Gabi likes hanging out in her house.

So we are getting a taste of what empty nesting is all about.

Twisting and Pondering Thomas Merton

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. "-Thomas Merton

Apparently this floating 10 foot high diving dock was not the most dangerous thing in the property this weekend.

On My Mind

"When you've lost a lot of people in your life, the value of a goodbye, a see you, or showing that you care really becomes a big deal.
It becomes a bigger deal as you grow older and are reminded time and again that moments are fleeting, and life is too short. Thus, when a loved one flies off to some place, or whenever at the close of a meeting, be it social or professional, make sure to give a proper send off, or a warm goodbye/see you because you never really know if there will be a next time.
Genuine love and caring means checking in on the person, like a parent does for his or her child, and vice versa; as the beloved to the loved one; as a dear friend to another. "Mom/dad, I'm home safe", "Please text when you've arrived", "Take care. Let me know as soon as you get in", "Take care. Until we meet again" are only some of the many ways to manifest that care and concern for the other.
Death, like love comes all too unexpectedly so be kind. Be constant. Be affectionate. Make each parting beautiful so that in case there is no next time, there won't be any regrets. Make the words matter. Let each moment count."
-Cathy Sanchez Babao

Amazing Grace

Bible verses relevant to this post:

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

~Matthew 25:40

"And every wrongdoer will be repaid for the wrong things he does, because God judges everyone by the same standard."

~Colossians 3:25

"Never take revenge, my friends, but instead let God's anger do it.  For the scripture says, "I will take revenge, I will pay back says the Lord."

~Romans 12:19

I was recently given the opportunity to witness God's work.
There is a woman I know who (from my perspective) has struggled to keep up with the world due to a learning disability.
Her disadvantage has rendered her unable to ever stand up for herself against being taken advantage of.
Unfortunately she was given an even bigger hurdle on top of it all when she gave birth to a child with special needs.
I wondered why God would give an already challenged person an even more difficult situation to handle.
I've prayed for this person's seemingly tough life for years but only now am I getting a glimpse into the bigger picture.
Unbeknownst to me, God has been watching over this woman.

I observed her stand her ground against a seemingly misguided situation.
When I voiced out my admiration and awe of this strength she displayed, her response astounded me.
She said that having a child born with special needs has given her strength.
First of all,  that mindset is not something she, for as long as I've known her, would have come up with on her own. That alone is a miracle and proof of Divine intervention.
(If you knew this woman personally you would agree)

And then it is teaching me that we while we must always do our best to fix the injustices we observe in the world whenever we are able to--we must not get frustrated when we can't control things--but instead:  let go and leave the rest to Him.
God responds.
He gave this woman--who in the past, has never been capable of emotional and intellectual strength--the power and confidence to stand up for herself today.
I was blown away.

And while I premenstrually might get tempted to obsess and react to "unkind acts" I perceive,  prayer has helped me not get hooked indefinitely.

"Father, please forgive me when I judge others instead of loving them.  Help me see every person through Your eyes of love and mercy.  Please guard my tongue and my heart so that I will build up and not destroy others.  I want to please You by the way I love the unlovable.  Help me grow up and become a fully devoted follower of Christ. In Jesus' name, Amen."

Also,  I realize that there is something useful about ugly situations.
If I did not get the chance to know of the undesirable actions of others-then I would not have had the opportunity to see this woman's growth and strength (and be able compliment her too!)
My task is to focus on the blessings of the moment and to accept the negative elements as teachers.
Without annoying people tests, we would not learn to strengthen ourselves into becoming more peaceful and forgiving people.
And I recognize that no one is perfect.
I am sure that there are many traits I have that test others.
If you are one who is tested by me you can thank me later. ;)
Steel is made stronger by fire.

Besides, 'We reap what we sow' is the Bible's version of karma.

Birthdays and the Effort of Surprise

A few weeks ago, Steve and I went out with another couple for dinner.
Over dinner, the wife/friend excitedly told me that in honor of her 46th birthday, she was planning to play 46 holes of golf the following day.
She said that various friends were going to be jumping in and joining her at certain times of the day, starting at 8 AM.
She jokingly invited me to come and golf, I jokingly agreed.
Perhaps I said I would come not only because the wine I had with my dinner had gone to my head but also because I like the idea of doing something commemorative and unusually excessive for one's birthday. (Like running 10 miles for my birthday, for example)
The odds of me actually going to her 46 holes of golf birthday were low.
After all,
-I have NEVER golfed.
-I don't own golf clothes (although I do have a pair of never-worn golf shoes I bought at a garage sale many years ago)
-it was scheduled to be a COLD November day
-the idea of driving myself to Oakmont, an unfamiliar golf club that has the reputation of being strict and stuffy (no jeans, no cell phones, and definitely no golf hacks on the course)---and blindly searching through 18 holes for a woman crazy about golf was not something I looked forward to doing.
The next morning, I woke up and remembered my promise from the night before.
I asked both of my daughters to help me dress like a golfer, which we figured was to look somewhat preppy.
They helped me get into "golfing costume" and when at a certain point, I voiced my hesitation about actually going--they encouraged me to "just do it."
With the girls' involvement, there was suddenly more at stake.
Their audience to either my bravery or chickenshit default of staying in my comfort zone- impelled me to go.
I was nervous.
As is my practice, I prayed that all will be well.

I got there at about 11 am.
Without prior knowledge as to where my friend was in her day of golf--when I found her, she had finished 27 holes and providentially, she and her friends were starting a fresh round and were right by the FIRST Hole which was nearest the clubhouse.
As I walked out on the golf course towards Colleen, she did not recognize me.
Maybe she didn't know it was me because she was not actually expecting me and second, I was IN COSTUME!
The look of surprise and joy on her face when she realized I had come to honor her birthday filled me with extreme pleasure.
It has taken me a few weeks to process how amused Colleen was and it has dawned on me that her reaction was something familiar to me.
I had experienced this exact emotion on Dec. 3, 1981.
My birthday.
I was a highschool sophomore in Maryknoll.
I had some classmates over for dinner and cake and we were all wearing our school uniform.
The doorbell rang and to my surprise it was my best friend, Elaine.
Although she and I did not go to the same highschool she arrived wearing a borrowed Maryknoll Highschool uniform as a surprise to me.
I remember how delighted  I was about the effort Elaine made to arrive "in costume" somewhat like a performance artist.
It has suddenly occurred to me that the happiness I got from surprising Colleen, was due to my own appreciation of Elaine and her effort.

We give what we get.  (and yes,  we get what we give)

I walked three holes in Oakmont before I decided that it was time to go--and had unintentionally left Colleen right at her 30th hole-- which was the age Elaine would have turned had she not died two months short of her 30th birthday.
There is something comforting about this experience loop.

For Elaine Henson Feb 23, 1967-Dec 10, 1997

Oakmont Pa, November 2015

Kamias, December 1981.

Open

I did not know that the word Cacophony is pronounced:
Kuh-cough-uh-nee.
Up until today I pronounced it: Kako-Phoney.

Whenever I discover that I've mispronounced a word, I get embarrassed.
I know that the embarrassment comes from my ego.
I associate mispronouncing words or grammatical errors with being not very bright.
This is a flawed way of thinking--as linguistic intelligence is only one part of the multiple intelligence theory.  Not to mention often times, it is a matter of accents and regional variations. Throw in mother tongue and intonations, one must realize that this is not a good measure of intelligence.

When I stop being critical of other people's grammar and/or manner  of speech,
then I will cease to be afraid of making mistakes of my own.
Much more learning happens when we keep ourselves open.
In short, we learn faster and better in the absence of ego.
Not just in language but in life.

Claudine

Late last June I got a Facebook friend request from Claudine, a friend from college whom I had not seen in over twenty years. We were actually friends-in-law--I knew her through Augie, a close friend of mine.

Me, Augie and Claudine, Los Angeles, Ca. 1993.

I accepted the friend request but was unable to exchange messages with her right away.
It was the end of July before I remembered to write to her before leaving for our family vacation.
(On my list of things to do before leaving: stop the mail, contact the dog sitter, clean the bathrooms, write to Claudine)
When she responded, she told me that she was having health problems.
Serious ones.  The type with the stages.
By the time our correspondence continued,  I was already in Florida-- but because of the nature of her personal news,  I did not mention that I was on vacation.
I think I withheld that information because it felt out of place in a conversation about chemotherapy.
Claudine mentioned that Augie was going to visit her from Texas in a few days.
I was happy for her. I even requested that they take pictures of Augie's visit.
Before I signed off, I told her that I was going to pray for her. And I did.
That evening, I told Steve about my friend's condition and he confirmed that it was grave.
~~~~~
While I was in Florida, I made a conscious decision not to post pictures online.
I was trying to be present, and in the moment--instead of focusing on the perfectly staged shot to share with friends.  I stuck to this decision until six days into the trip I felt the urge to post this photo of Steve on Facebook.  (Something about the beauty of the double rainbows and the symbol of God’s promise)

The picture posted together with our location: TopGolf, Tampa Florida.
Suddenly I received a message from Claudine:
“Are you in Tampa?” she inquired.
I said, "yes, I've been here since Saturday. Tomorrow is our last full day here. We leave Saturday morning. Why?"
She said, "Augie is here with me, and she said that you posted a picture saying that you are here too."
I was so confused.
All this while I thought that Claudine still lived in Los Angeles.
I had no idea that while we were chatting earlier in the week--that we were already in the same city.  Claudine was excited that I was in town, but because she had chemotherapy scheduled for the next morning, she wanted Augie to be able to see me. She offered that Augie drive her car while she was at her session.
I told her that I would go to see them, because I wanted to see her.

It was past midnight on Thursday, but right away I asked Steve if he could drive me first thing in the morning about 45 minutes away.  I wanted to get there before Claudine left for the hospital.
I asked Steve because I don’t drive well in unfamiliar cities or at all.
Steve agreed to take me, (which in itself is a miracle as Steve is not a morning person)
~~~~~
The next morning, although we hit traffic and sudden torrential rain, we got to Claudine’s house on time.  The moment I stepped in,  for some reason, Claudine, Augie and I started laughing about one
thing after another.  Our time together was brief but filled with so much joy.

me, Claudine, her sister Melina, Augie: Tampa, Florida 7/31/2015

Perhaps our giddiness was brought on by the serendipitous nature of finding ourselves all together in one place.  (I had not seen Augie in eight years, and Claud’s sister Melina who now lives in Tacoma,  I don’t think I’ve seen since our college days)
We chatted, laughed and teased each other non-stop until Claudine excused herself to get ready for her appointment.
While Claudine was in the shower, out-of-the-blue Augie suddenly asked me,
“What made you come?”
I asked, "you mean here for vacation?”
She said--“no, here,  this morning.”
I looked at her and said: “I wanted to pray for her.”
Augie’s already large eyes got even larger as she said, "Chesca. This is why I decided to come too.”
"I wanted to pray with her because  “When two or more are gathered...” Augie started to say...
I interrupted her:
“...There I am in their midst.”  (-Matt 18:20)
~~~~~
I don’t know how to put into words the experience of praying with Claudine and Augie that morning, amidst the mist and steam of Claudine’s after-shower bathroom.
(It was the only private place we had as Steve, Claudine’s family and guests were in the living room)
The three of us held each other praying for healing, with uncontrollable tears streaming down our faces.
By the time we were done praying--there was a serenely peaceful look on Claudine’s face that I shall
never forget.

7/31/2015

~~~~~
Last week,  I made the 300 mile drive to visit my mother for her birthday.
Right before I pulled out of my driveway, I got a message from Augie telling me that Claudine needed prayers.
I spent the next 5 hours of my drive, praying for Claudine.
I was unsure of exactly what to pray for.
I prayed for miraculous healing, but I also prayed for God’s Will for her and that if she was to go, that she transitioned peacefully without suffering.
I wish that this is the part where I report a miracle, that Claudine defied all medical prognosis and is well today.
But that is not the case.
A few hours later, as I was in the middle of planting a huge flowering Chrysanthemum plant for my mom in honor of her 85th birthday, I got the message from Augie telling me that Claudine had passed away.
She was 45 years old.
~~~~~
I’ve been pondering, processing and trying to figure out what that whole experience was all about.
What I do know is that, although I was not close to Claudine, being drawn to contact her and see her 41 days before her death has left me with an unmistakeable gift that I hope I never forget.
The peace, joy and confidence I saw in her eyes gave me so much comfort.
It somehow reminded me that a lot of what makes me crazy on a daily basis, does not really matter.
While this may sound like I am giving up on life, on the contrary, I feel compelled to keep doing my best but to do so while surrendering the outcome.
I hope that I become as calm as her when I near the end of my life...or at the very least in my life today as I live through the experience of parenting teenagers.
Seeing Claudine smile ever so sweetly as she was dealing with her terminal illness has pushed me to assess my approach to each day.
I am grateful that my Claudine Experience is encouraging me to:
1. Give up worry.
2. Forgive
3. Do my best in all I do, but let go of all expectations.
4. Stop wrestling with life.
5. Live fearlessly and with great faith in God.
6. Have only good intentions in all I do
7. Let go of my ego
8. Keep my mind and heart open
9. Love
10. Just do it.

(For my friend Claudine:  1/19/1970-9/10/2015)

The Self-help Guru Wayne Dyer Reminded Me Of My Dad

They were both born on May 10th but my dad was 10 years older.

For such a devout Catholic, my dad seemed to have an unusual amount of books that dealt with self-help and cosmic juju.
My dad was into yoga before it was cool.

He taught us all how to stand on our heads--yes even my sister Karen, with the soft un-fused fontanel head--learned this at a young age.
And speaking of young age, I read a lot of my dad's books on transactional analysis, meditation and intuition before my 12th birthday. Not that I understood a thing.
Anyway, one of the books I read as a child was a book called, Your Erroneous Zones, by
Wayne Dyer.
(No, this was not a book on sex--but rather a book on changing one's negative thinking).

I few years ago, I rediscovered Wayne Dyer and hoped to even attend one his lectures one day however last week, Wayne Dyer died.
So I guess attending a lecture by him is not meant to be.
Sigh.
A quote of his I liked was:

“My belief is that the truth is a truth until you organize it, and then becomes a lie. I don’t think that Jesus was teaching Christianity, Jesus was teaching kindness, love, concern, and peace. What I tell people is don’t be Christian, be Christ-like. Don’t be Buddhist, be Buddha-like.”
~Wayne Dyer

While I am in fact a Christian (and a Catholic) I am not blind and do not think that mere identifying with a group leads to everlasting peace.  As I attempt to be Christ-like in my life today, I also try not to judge what other believe in. (well except when it comes to my family. I am still trying to coerce them)

Other Wayne Dyer quotes that I like:

"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

"When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.”

“Conflict can not survive without your participation.”

“You can not be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with.”

With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.”

“All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.  The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for external reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration.  You may succeed in making another feel guilty about something by blaming him, but you won’t succeed in changing whatever it is about you that is making you unhappy.”

“Your children will see what you’re all about by what you live rather than what you say.”

“It makes no sense to worry about things that you have no control over because there’s nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”

“Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.”

-Wayne Dyer May 10, 1940-August 30, 2015

A Bible Verse For Depression:

"Aeneas, Peter said to him, Jesus Christ makes you well, get up and make your bed."
-Acts 9:32

This verse from the Bible,  is becoming a favorite of mine.
It is a very simple yet powerful one that helps me through my sporadic depressive episodes.
Last weekend I had a mild case of it but I somehow prayed and faked my way through it enough to enjoy the weekend with my family and some friends.

I was recently contemplating this particular verse and the verses after it.
Did you know that in the aftermath of Jesus' death and resurrection, that Peter was not only able to heal people in Jesus' name but also raise someone from the dead? (See Acts 9:32-42)
I did not know this.
The only dead raising story I knew of was about Jesus raising Lazarus.

But how did Peter get to have Jesus' power?
I re-read the gospels and stumbled upon an epiphany of sorts.
Jesus predicted that Peter would deny knowing him three times before the cock crows.
Then, as all gospels state, Peter did deny Jesus on three separate occasions.
One might think that Jesus would have been justified in begrudging Peter any power.

But clearly Jesus is forgiving and does not hold a grudge. 

Here in lies the interesting thing: On all three separate denials, the only common person present was Peter.
Meaning, the only reason that Matthew, Mark, Luke or John could even write about Peter's betrayal was by Peter's own admission. <----This is huge!

What does this all mean to me?

It means that our human-ness should not ever deter us from feeling the healing power of God.
But first, we should come clean. (Read James 5:16)
God is a forgiving God.
When we are honest and humble about our weaknesses and our faults we experience the grace and power to get up and make our beds, help not only ourselves but others as well.
I know this.

This Post Is About Promposals, John Mellencamp and What I am Willing To Bet

Let me backtrack.

I was engaged and married in 1993.
When Steve asked me to marry him, I think it was the dead of winter, and we were in the back room of my sister's house in Rochester, New York.
As I recall, he sort of mumbled something about marriage and then unceremoniously handed me an engagement ring.
(In his defense, my visa was expiring...)

As the years went on, I would meet more and more couples who had an "engagement story."
Scavenger hunts through a park (granted, that couple is now peacefully divorced)
Rings in drinks,
Big signs,
Oceanside or lakeside even pond-side proposals, etc.
And like the whiner that I can be, I would turn to Steve with narrowed accusatory eyes wondering why he could not have been more creative.
He would shrug unapologetic.

The thing is, some chicks dig that.
The question is, when do you give someone what they want, even if it is not your true nature?
When should you honor yourself?

The other night, Steve and I watched John Mellencamp in concert.
We were worried that he would sing unfamiliar songs from his newest album and save his old hits for the end, but we were not disappointed.
Early in his set, John said something along the lines of,
"the next song I am going to sing, I don't really want to sing, in fact I don't know why I am going to sing it except for the fact that you all want me to sing it..."
Then he started to sing "Jack and Diane."
The crowd went wild. The entire place started singing along with him.
He stopped singing and let the audience continue....until EVERYONE (except Steve, who knew) sang the wrong verse!
So he stopped everyone and said: "that's not right."
(everyone ((except Steve)) forgot the 'suckin' on chili dog' verse.

It was extremely funny.

Anyway, I digress.
I bring this up because clearly John Mellencamp weighs what he wants to do with what is wanted of him, and apparently with the right balance--it keeps people loyal.

Let's set that aside.

Have you noticed the craze of promposals lately?
If you've not had a prom going teenager for the past 3.5 years then you would not know what this is.
A promposal is the current trend of asking someone to go the the prom in an extravagant, flamboyant and creative fashion.
I have had the "pleasure" of hosting one such promposal when K helped a boy (friend) ask a girl (friend) of hers right here in my foyer.

When I first heard of promposals, I admit I was initially scornful and dismissive of it.
And then I decided to look deeper into why I felt this way, and I realized that it touched something tender in me.
I think I was still carrying my own (this is embarrassing, I know) disappointment about not getting a creative proposal over 21 years ago! (WTH?!)

Well any drugstore shrink will tell you that you can not get over anything you do not acknowledge so I  take this as a sign of onward movement.
And as a result of upward mobility,  I have now decided to view the trend of promposals as some sort of a training ground.
The promposal type of teenagers today,  may become the more celebratory engaged couples of tomorrow (as opposed to the blase`-too-cool-to-be-demonstrative-types)--who may become the grown adults of the future that will honor their spouses/children/parents/friends in a way the recipients want to be honored.

I am willing to bet that the teenaged boy of today that steps out of his comfort zone to do a creative promposal will mature into a man that honors not only his own mother but  also his wife (if she is a mother) for Mother's Day in a way they would appreciate.

I ain' agin' it 

(that's my slang for: "I am not against it" please try to incorporate this phrase in daily conversations as I would like it to trend)

In the words of John Mellencamp:

"Hold on to sixteen as long as you can,
changes come around real soon
make us women and men...."

Addendum:

Motherhood is Somewhat Like A Ropes Course

"The juxtaposition of" a Mother's Day that photographed well with the Mother's Day my niece Aneka had was never lost on me.

Stuff like this interests me.

"And the deeper we dive, the stronger the amphibious reflexes become."


Interesting article on skindiving (or freediving)....which is really a synopsis of this book:

"There is a point about 30 feet below the surface that freedivers know as “neutral buoyancy.” 
Beneath it, the ocean stops trying to spit you out and begins sucking you in. 
That is how “Deep” itself unfolds. 
(from the nytimes review)

The rest of the NYTimes review:here .

Upright

I am reading a book (thanks to DZ) right now about a woman who called herself  Peace Pilgrim.
This woman spent years of her life, from 1953 to 1981 walking over 25,000 miles from coast to coast spreading the message of peace.
One of the interesting things she said is that:
Death is a process of transformation to a freer living.
"Death is life's last great adventure and is a beautiful liberation into a freer life."
She said if  people could see deeper into life we would mourn birth and celebrate death.
I thought about this and can agree to an extent.
If your death is pretty quick and painless, and you have faith as to where your soul continues on to...
I can understand the liberating aspect--but for people that "transform" in a slow, debilitating and painful process--I don't know if I would be so quick as to call it a beautiful liberation into a freer life.

An hour ago, I was on the treadmill running 2 miles.
I was trying to beat my 2 mile-treadmill PR of 18:20 minutes plus I wanted to get my work out done quicker.

As I was pushing myself to the vomiting level at the 18 minute mark, I started feeling chest pains.
So as you see, although this time is nothing to sneeze at, today is not the day I beat 18:20.

I hope I don't get a heart attack trying to improve my time.

I know a guy--a really good man named Mike Joseph, Jr. --who died in 2013 while he was on a treadmill.

I also know another nice guy named Chim who died earlier that year, in the middle of singing karaoke.

But then again, if I could choose how to go, I guess I would rather I go pretty quickly--and if it is while I am on a treadmill running while singing karaoke--I would consider that a beautiful liberation into a freer life.
Just in case, I think I should really stop wearing ratty underwear.
"Be ready for whatever comes, dressed for action and with your lamps lit"
-Luke 12:35

updated: I just checked with "my cardiologist." Although not impossible, pain in the right side of my chest is highly unlikely to be a heart attack. It was most probably muscle pain.
(Yet another professional that has diagnosed my body pain to be due to poor running form.)

Coming up: I shall post more words of wisdom from Peace Pilgrim.
And some questions asked of me through the years, answered.

Product Endorsement Post

Sometimes I tell my family that it is a fend-for-yourself-dinner-night.
Leftovers.
Cereal. Waffles. PB and J. Eggs.
Last night was one of those nights.
Gabi decided to make her Cheesy Egg Omelet.
This is nice except every time she cooks this, she uses a pan that I find difficult to clean.
I am embarrassed to stop her from using the pan, because then I would have to answer a complex question of why I bought the pan in the first place.
Who buys pans just for display purposes?
Who was I trying to impress?
Worse, who did I think I was fooling?
In fairness (to me) these pans were purchased during my past life.

Back to today.
She seems to have noticed that this pan is not the easiest to clean.
She asks if it is possible that since she had to make herself dinner, could I clean the pan for her?
I agree.
This morning, I have a million things to do, yet I am laboring over getting this pan back to a semblance of shiny.
I want to complain in my head.
I want to be angry.
I want to go back to my feelings of regret about purchasing these unnecessary pans.
Then, I remember to stop before I "go there."

Instead, I recall that my friend DZ gave me a product to use for stubborn messes.

I retrieve it and start using it on the pan.
It worked.
Suddenly my mind made the switch to gratefulness.
I became grateful for hot running water, and for the time I had to clean the pan.
I remember to be grateful for friends who help me sort through life's messes.

(We all need to surround ourselves with a core group of supportive people, people who cheer you on, who encourage you, who want nothing but the best for you, and you for them.)

This Bar Keepers Friend not only works on getting the shine back on my pans and stove but also serves to remind me about being grateful about having friends that are "keepers."

One Red Feather Christmas Tree, Four Bins and The Four Agreements

I am attempting to simplify my life, Christmas included.
So this year I put a fraction of my Christmas decorations out,  set some aside for our camp and I am giving the rest (of my secret addiction) away.
It is a process I do not take lightly, considering I may have been using Christmas decorations to self medicate. (more on that later)
Last weekend, I took some carefully selected decorations with me to the camp.
Before getting there, we stopped at my in-laws to say hello.
My MIL's home was decorated so-very-beautifully for Christmas.
Just lovely--as my MIL has really good taste.

Previously, she had asked me if I minded if she decorated a little bit for me at our hunting place.
I told her, "sure!"
I was confident that I would love whatever she did, plus, I was lazy to do it myself.
I was surprised  when I arrived at the property and was greeted by a rather u-g-l-y  red feather Christmas tree, and a few other items (not photographed) that I never knew she had.
(even Pax was assaulted)

Cautiously, I asked Steve if the tree and its companions had any sentimental value, or significance to his life.
He said he had never seen them before.
I did not like it.
Suddenly, a range of emotions came over me and
I went against "The Four Agreements."

So I took everything down and started redecorating with the things I brought with me.

Truly there is value in occupational therapy because four large empty bins later,
I felt my anti-agreement sentiments melting away.
I realized while decorating, that it was my ego that was choosing the negative thoughts that I had.
I am betting that there is a story behind some of those things she thought I would enjoy.
So I incorporated them back into my holiday display (for now).
I decided to see my MIL's bequeathing of a funky feather Christmas tree to me as a compliment.
She knows that she has an unconventional daughter-in-law that insists on choosing the crappiest Christmas trees:

and transforming them into beautiful backdrops to the story of Jesus' birth.

And so in honor of her honoring the quirky in me, I am keeping the vintage red feather table top christmas tree.

However, she does not know this  (and she does not read this blog) but some of the other stuff may have to go--
after all in the spirit of simplifying, sometimes less is more.
And, I don't need to self-medicate anymore  (for now).

12/13/14

It has been brought to my attention by SL, (for this is not the sort of information I store in my head)
that today is the last day in my lifetime,  that we will have a sequential number calendar date.
So I searched for the perfect bible verse for today and found this:

Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

"Now all has been heard
here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgement,
including every hidden thing, whether it is good or evil."

~~~~~

Kind of 'yikes' but worth a ponder.
I wonder if we will have the ability to feel pride about the good and embarrassment about the evil.
And I wonder how far back God goes...

Face Off

Many weeks ago, I caught a glimpse of magazine covers at the end of the grocery checkout line that showed pictures of Renee Zellweger's new face.
My curiosity piqued, I decided to check google to see what the fuss was all about.
There was a lot of chatter and snark on the internet about exactly what procedures she underwent to alter her face.
The thing is, Renee Z. has always been able to change her appearance for movie roles.
'Tis always been one of her gifts.
That she has somehow changed her features, is not so much of a stretch. (no pun intended)

For me, the issue is not whether she had plastic surgery or not.

I am more interested in her decision to change her look.
I was not bothered by the change, just curious.  Humans intrigue me.

I wonder if her decision to change her face was like a rite of passage for her.
Like a shedding of a shell or persona no longer necessary nor desired.
Like a re-set button.  I get that.

Interestingly enough, a few days after Renee Z's story hit the internet, I watched a documentary that aired on ESPN about a woman named Carmen Tarleton who was beaten with a baseball bat by her estranged husband and then doused with industrial strength lye all over her face.  After years of grueling and painful surgeries, she was left with a face  that was very difficult to look at, and even more difficult to live with.
In 2013 Carmen was the recipient of a face transplant. Look this up and read more about this woman.

"When life gives you a big negative situation like I'd been through, if you can get through that, you can really find all of the blessings and all of the positive things that can come out that," she said. "And I found so much that I would not go back. I'm so much more blessed than I was then."

~Carmen Tarleton.

Considering it is the most visible part of the human body, the face is so important to one's personal identity.
Renee Zellweger's decision to change her face is her business.
In her industry, it may even be considered brave.
In my opinion, she is still the same actress, with the same gift for acting.
But the real hero here is Carmen.

Carmen Tarleton's ability to overcome all that she has gone through shows us that our face doesn't have to be important to one's personal identity.

She was willing to keep undergoing procedures and indescribable pain just so she could keep on living for her two daughters.

Some people may have even forgiven her if she chose to die, in which case, she would not have been able to inspire as many people as she is inspiring today. (will save that for another post)

She is an incredibly amazing woman.
She is inspiring.

My current eye-makeup sich is NOTHING.

I know I look different. But I will get over it...and eventually, you will tire of asking me if I am sick.