Inspiring

I finished reading this book recommended to me by my mother.

Once I started it, I could not put it down.

An Invisible Thread by Laura Schroff and Alex Tresniowski is about an unusual friendship between a successful woman (with her own demons) and a homeless 11 year old boy.   

Their relationship is still alive today after 30 years.

It is inspiring to know each interaction we have with others can make a difference!

It is reminder that everything counts. 

No kind act is ever a waste.

Even the ones that no one will ever get to read about.

Stuff like this interests me.

"And the deeper we dive, the stronger the amphibious reflexes become."


Interesting article on skindiving (or freediving)....which is really a synopsis of this book:

"There is a point about 30 feet below the surface that freedivers know as “neutral buoyancy.” 
Beneath it, the ocean stops trying to spit you out and begins sucking you in. 
That is how “Deep” itself unfolds. 
(from the nytimes review)

The rest of the NYTimes review:here .

The Conscious Parent: Applied

Last night, K ended up at a friend's unsupervised house 3 miles away, when she was supposed to be at another friend's house half a mile away. (not that anything bad happened, but that is beside the point)

Right after I sent her this message, I started to pray.
I prayed for guidance and wisdom in responding to my rather spirited 16 year old.
I also prayed for her safety since after that text exchange, we also spoke on the phone when,
I yelled, make this your PR....start running to make her 11 PM curfew...which I knew was impossible.
I figured the time lapse for me and the vigorous physical activity for her would be good for us.
(plus TBH, I was too angry to drive)

While waiting for her to get home,  I decided to read  The Conscious Parent, while unconsciously eating this. (This was an entire pie just 6 hours prior.)

She arrived home 26 minutes past her 11 PM curfew, clearly not her PR, but I digress...
By that time, I had digested a major portion of the pecan pie and some very powerful advice from my book.

This book is so good that I have taken the time to copy the paragraphs that really helped me.
The bold text is what I particularly applied and tried to focus on last night.

From the book, The Conscious Parent by Shafali Tsabary, Phd

(From Page 209)
Before we can help our children uncover what led to the mistake, they need to be allowed to put a little distance between themselves and their mistakes.  The conscious approach is to wait until all emotional reactivity has died down and everyone is in their right mind, then sit with our children compassionately, process their mistake with them entirely free of judgement, and then show them how they can extract a lesson for the future.
To help our children understand the why is the most effective way we can teach forgiveness, because knowing the why empowers us to make changes.  Unfortunately, when addressing our children's negative behavior, we often don't take the time or exercise the patience required to get at the why, but instead deal with the what.  Yet only through an understanding of the why can we help our children create the pathway to change.  Once our children understand the why, everything else is gravy. Perhaps the cause of the mistake was shortsightedness or pressure they experienced from their peers.  Maybe it was a simple lack of information or just poor judgement.  We don't have to belabor the point, but simply note it and move on.
When we don't take our children's mistakes personally, we communicate the vital lesson that there is really nothing to forgive because mistakes are a natural part of learning how to be our authentic self.  To not take mistakes personally is to recognize that behind every mistake is a good intention, though sometimes this intention doesn't readily present itself.  As parents, we need to search beneath the superficial mistake and uncover the original good intention of our children.  This encourages them to have faith in their innate goodness.  When we focus on a bad outcome instead of a good intention, our children lose their enthusiasm for trying.

(From page 211)
The premise behind conscious parenting is that our children are inherently well-meaning and want to do the right thing.  However in the course of a day, it's inevitable a child will make a few mistakes either through omission or commission.  If they are afraid of punishment, as already noted, they may then try to cover up their mistakes by lying.  The approach I am suggesting not only teaches a child not to fear mistakes, but also highlights that there are simply too many precious lessons to learn about ourselves from our mistakes to cover them up-lessons that enrich our life in ways we couldn't have imagined had we not made such mistakes.
By encouraging your children to let their mistakes go, you help them separate the wheat from the chaff, then throw the chaff to the winds.  The true test of whether you have let go comes the next time you are asked to trust them with the keys to the same car they crashed last week.  If you crashed your friend's car, would you want them to never hand you their car keys again?
When your children show you their most vulnerable aspects, and you show up ready to meet who they are, you indicate to them that they are worthy of being respected and received.  If you betray them with your own self absorption with the way you imagine they "ought" to be,  you convey to them that they are unworthy and that the world is an unforgiving place.  They then become fearful of stepping out in life.
By exercising the courage to own their errors, children learn to respect their fallibility and limitations, while demonstrating faith in their ability to move on. This strengthens their belief in their competence.
With the reassurance they are still loved, they accept that each of us is a work in progress.

(From page 217)
To allow our children to behave as if they were wild, without regard for how this affects those around them, is to raise little monsters.  Teaching our children how to appropriately contain their authenticity and manage their emotions is essential.  For this reason, to be unyielding when required, goes hand-in-hand with yielding when appropriate.  Setting boundaries, saying "no," and being firm are as much a part of good parenting as are accepting and embracing our children.

From page 218:
The heart of conscious parenting is the ability to be present in any situation that arises. Are you able to respond from a place of awareness rather than attachment? 
Do you discipline from a place of authenticity or from your ego?
To parent consciously means  you respond to your children's needs, not cater to them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In response to my unconscious pie consumption last night, I worked out this morning.
Not my PR either but clearly I am not posting last night's parenting saga nor this morning's work out, from my ego.

Peace Pilgrim Quotes and Some Questions Asked Of Me, Answered.

"Many common problems are caused by wrong attitudes.  People see themselves as the center of the universe and judge everything as it relates to them. Naturally you won't be happy that way. You can only be happy when you see things in proper perspective: all human beings are of equal importance in God's sight, and have a job to do in the divine plan."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q. You often refer to your old self as opposed to your new self--what is different about you today from who you were ten years ago?

Ten years ago I looked happy on the outside but was miserable on the inside.

I was unhappy. I suffered depression on and off.

I took a lot of things personally.

I tried to control everything and please everyone.

I was lonely and lost...but no one really knew it. Not even me.

I disguised my unhappiness by being sociable, traveling, connecting with everyone and anyone.
It was exhausting.

Ten years ago, I did not believe in God.

Now I believe in God. 

Q. Are you a hermit.

A. No, but I want to be one. Or a monk. Or a nun.

I find silence peaceful. However, one can not be a hermit, monk or nun when one is a wife and a mother. So I try my best to be sociable not only to my family but to people who care to wade through my moat. 

Q. Why do we suffer? Why do I always suffer? How do I stop suffering?

A. Off the cuff, the root of all suffering is our ego and the great effort we take to protect it and build it.  The ego is super competitive.

It wants to feel good, and better than others--the ego wants to win.

Interestingly enough, I notice that I suffer whenever I feel superior or inferior.

I suffer whether I feel "right" or "wronged."

My suffering exponentially grows when I dwell on either scenario.

I believe this is because anything driven by the ego is not good for your soul.

When you crack the code on banishing the ego, you will experience everlasting joy and peace.

So to put this into practice, if you are able to make any and all experiences, whether good or bad just pass through--without clinging to it--without needlessly turning it over and over to examine it from every angle--you will eliminate suffering.

I think this can be done when we learn to surrender the outcome and establish the habit of gratitude.

Q. "The habit of gratitude" sounds very fadish and cliche. 
When life is awful, how is it even possible to be grateful? 

A. Take it or leave it. I have discovered there is always something to be thankful for. And, get this, when you start focusing on one thing that you can be grateful for, it starts to multiply. Joy begets joy.  Gratitude attracts more blessings and love to flow towards you. If all else fails and you feel you have nothing to be thankful, start by being thankful that you have eyes to browse the internet, and the ability to breathe.
The converse of this, is also true--complaining makes one more miserable.
When you open the door to hatred, you also let in other negative emotions such as jealousy, depression, selfishness and anger.
So, anytime you feel a negative emotion coming on--blast it away right away with a prayer or a grateful thought.

"Prayer is a concentration of positive thoughts."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q: What do you do when you suddenly get gripped with that anxiety loop. 
You know the kind, the one that replays in your head over and over that makes you kick yourself, blame yourself for not taking care of something sooner, for wishing you said something, or wishing you had not said what you said... The loop that keeps you up at night, or the loop that makes you want to sleep all day. The loop that makes you feel as if your heart is heavy or makes you feel insignificant. What do you do?

A: The very first thing I do once I realize what is happening in my mind is, I stop.
I almost imagine the sound of brakes screeching in my head. I stop. I put the sound of silence in my head. Try it. STOP. Experiment with making it quiet. It helps me to close my eyes and see black nothingness. I almost do an internal hum (no sound though)
Then I think the words: "God please help me."
Once I am able to experiment with a few seconds of peace, I count breaths.
Sometimes 10 breaths. Sometimes more. It is not an exact science.
I imagine that my  mind is not IN my self but rather outside of me, watching myself.
I observe myself experiencing whatever it is I am experiencing...and with each breath, I imagine myself getting separated further and further away from the situation I am watching. More often than not, I become successful in letting go of whatever is bothering me.

Q. When that does not work, what else do you do to help you stop being bothered by something?

A: As I mentioned in the previous question, I pray. Then I take the time to look deeper at what is actually bothering me. I have learned through various books and meditations is often times when something is bothering me in real time, what appears to be bothering me is not what is seems.
Present day triggers merely remind us of unresolved or unhealed hurts.
So (I am not super successful yet) I take the time to try to remember why the hurt seems familiar.
Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. Either way, I don't repress the hurt.
I feel it with my entire body and then I let it take off without me. I let it go. Visualization helps.
I imagine setting my pain on a train and letting the train leave the station without me.
Try it right now with something that is bothering you.

Q. What is the secret to an enduring marriage?

A. In 2011 I stumbled across the biblical framework for an enduring marriage.
It is the Ephesians 5:33 Marriage Tool.  
The one that states that "each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."
Ever since I started doing my best to follow this approach to marriage, our marriage experienced a significant makeover from the inside out.  The change in my marriage came at the right time too, as in 2011, our first-born was becoming a teenager.  Truly, God was watching over us, as there is no way to withstand the teenage years with parents who do not love and respect each other.
While our marriage is far from perfect, it has gotten very much better.

Q.  How has the ego gotten mixed up with parenting?

A. Every single time we operate out of a desire for our kids to do "better than others" as opposed to

"becoming their best selves" you can be sure the ego is involved.

When this happens, know that you are not parenting effectively out of love but rather you are parenting with the goal of winning.

You will suffer when you allow your ego to help you parent.

It all boils down to motives.

Good intentions, produces good results--(or at the very least, results that are meant to be.)

Evil intentions rarely produce the results good for the soul.

Q. Please explain further what this means: "it all boils down to motives."

A. Perhaps an example may help me explain this better:

It is not good for a parent to insist their child takes piano lessons so the parent can show off the child's talents.  The result of  the pride-clinging over the talented child will eventually cause suffering to both parent and child.

If a parent's motives for insisting their child take piano lessons are so their child develops their brain, learns to be disciplined and so they express themselves creatively--the parent will experience simple joy whenever they listen to their child play the piano--and more importantly, the child will experience this joy too.

"There is a criterion by which you can judge whether the thoughts you are thinking and the things you are doing are right for you.  The criterion is: have they brought you inner peace? If they have not then there is something wrong with them--so keep seeking! If what you do has brought you inner peace, stay with what you believe is right."

~Peace Pilgrim

Q. How do you deal with difficult people?

A. I have been asked this and I feel almost sheepish answering this because of the fact that most of the time I stay home. I don't leave my house unless I have to. But the rare occasion that I am exposed to difficult people or situations, I find myself automatically switching to prayer mode.
I also immediately remember The Four Agreements: I don't take things personally, I don't assume anything, I try to be impeccable with my words and I do my best.
While we can't always help how and whom we spend each moment of our lives with, we can certainly choose to make every encounter with other humans as best as can be by being kind.
For the toxic people though, I interact with them only as much as my own mental health can handle. If someone is difficult, self-referential or hijacks each encounter with their heavy demeanor, I give them wide berth.  I work on erecting healthy boundaries because in the long run, toxic people do not change if we keep actively participating in their drama.
Life is too short.

"Judging others will avail you nothing and injure you spiritually.  Only if you can inspire others to judge themselves will anything worthwhile have been accomplished."
~Peace Pilgrim

Upright

I am reading a book (thanks to DZ) right now about a woman who called herself  Peace Pilgrim.
This woman spent years of her life, from 1953 to 1981 walking over 25,000 miles from coast to coast spreading the message of peace.
One of the interesting things she said is that:
Death is a process of transformation to a freer living.
"Death is life's last great adventure and is a beautiful liberation into a freer life."
She said if  people could see deeper into life we would mourn birth and celebrate death.
I thought about this and can agree to an extent.
If your death is pretty quick and painless, and you have faith as to where your soul continues on to...
I can understand the liberating aspect--but for people that "transform" in a slow, debilitating and painful process--I don't know if I would be so quick as to call it a beautiful liberation into a freer life.

An hour ago, I was on the treadmill running 2 miles.
I was trying to beat my 2 mile-treadmill PR of 18:20 minutes plus I wanted to get my work out done quicker.

As I was pushing myself to the vomiting level at the 18 minute mark, I started feeling chest pains.
So as you see, although this time is nothing to sneeze at, today is not the day I beat 18:20.

I hope I don't get a heart attack trying to improve my time.

I know a guy--a really good man named Mike Joseph, Jr. --who died in 2013 while he was on a treadmill.

I also know another nice guy named Chim who died earlier that year, in the middle of singing karaoke.

But then again, if I could choose how to go, I guess I would rather I go pretty quickly--and if it is while I am on a treadmill running while singing karaoke--I would consider that a beautiful liberation into a freer life.
Just in case, I think I should really stop wearing ratty underwear.
"Be ready for whatever comes, dressed for action and with your lamps lit"
-Luke 12:35

updated: I just checked with "my cardiologist." Although not impossible, pain in the right side of my chest is highly unlikely to be a heart attack. It was most probably muscle pain.
(Yet another professional that has diagnosed my body pain to be due to poor running form.)

Coming up: I shall post more words of wisdom from Peace Pilgrim.
And some questions asked of me through the years, answered.

The Power Of Now and Learning To Drive

This is a treat, this here--sitting on my rocking chair and writing on my blog.
It feels slightly wrong to be doing this right now.  Like it is extremely self-indulgent, when I have other goals for myself.
Like going through my house and giving away our excess to the Veterans of America.
With this mini writing break, I am rewarding myself--or broadcasting my need to celebrate that I survived Christmas and travel and Christmas travel.
Using the word survived, seems out of place for an occasion that is purported to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Especially with my new found faith, it seems even doubly wrong.

(Okay, on second thought,  I shall go back to looking for stuff to give away before the New Year.
While I sort and clear stuff I shall ponder  this blog post.)

~~~~~~~~~~~~
11 big bags and 5 boxes later for the Veterans
and 15 bags of trash out of my house for trash day, I can now write.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

I say survived because I feel like that is what I did.
Any time I step out of the comfort zone of my home, I am not only surviving, but I am also learning.

In the book The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle,
Tolle writes about the vulnerability and insecurity of the ego.
He makes it a point to even specify that even the most seemingly confident people, have egos that are constantly under threat.
This emotion comes across as fear.
He says that ultimately, all fear is the ego's fear of death.

Then he goes on to say that:
"Even such a seemingly trivial and "normal" thing as the compulsive need to be right in an argument and make the other person wrong- defending the mental position with which you have identified-is due to the fear of death." (p. 36)

I have read and heard this line many times, but have had a difficulty really comprehending it until our recent drive home from Rochester.
As I mentioned earlier, Steve was driving like a maniac on the interstate.
But since he is a skilled and excellent driver, I just kept my eyes closed while doing some sort of prayer-meditation thing.
The inability to grasp zen straws started once he decided to let our student driver get behind the wheel.
K is not an experienced driver. She got her permit in mid-november and has not had much opportunity to practice. So when Steve decided that she should take over and drive 65 mph, I became edgy.
But it was when he instructed her to switch to cruise control that my ego spoke up.
Loud and clear.
Yes, I was totally and completely identified with the mental position that student drivers should not use cruise control until they have mastered the ability to control the vehicle at high speeds.
I put my foot down.
I was adamant that I was not about to back down from what I believed.
I may have even threatened to jump out of the car, I don't remember.
It was an out of body experience.
But right in that moment I suddenly got just how my need to be right was directly related to my fear of death.
~~~~~
Only days later did I ponder Steve's point of view.
His need to be right, was related to fear of being "that incompetent car driving inconsistent speeds on the interstate."
Incompetence=non-survival.
Or as Eckart Tolle puts it, the ego thinks that "to be wrong is to die."
Countless relationships have broken down over this need to be right.
Now I get it.

I'm Reading A Book That I've Actually Started To Highlight.

Highlight!
I have never been a highlighter.
For a couple of reasons, one of them being that I am a private person (insert laugh here) and highlighting a book that someone may potentially borrow would make me feel exposed.
Another reason is, I find it distracting to read a book that's been marked.
Thanks to Carole (CK), I am reading a book called The Conscious Parent by Shafali Tsabary.
By the time I am done, I am positive that my children will thank her too.
It is not your typical parenting book, as it does not really tell you "How To."
It is a book that first attempts to make a parent a better person before one can expect to be a better parent.
I can't stop reading it, but yet at the same time it periodically makes me want to lie down.
It is giving me some insight and understanding about people, myself included.
It is making me look deep into myself in a raw and honest way.
Now I get why psychotherapy sessions are generally done just once a week.
One needs time to recover after unearthing long forgotten (but unhealed) wounds and experiences.
But uncovering why we react or parent the way we parent is very cathartic.
And the quicker we understand, the quicker we stop parenting reactively.
To parent reactively or as the writer calls it parenting unconsciously--is not good for our children.
Children that are parented unconsciously can end up pretty effed up (pardon the french) if not while they are young, then at some point in their life.
That's a pretty strong statement.
I know.
But trust me on this one. I know.

Tsabary writes that a conscious parent does not emerge overnight--while that may be true, I will tell you this:
Once you start being conscious, your relationship with your children shifts for the better.
Overnight.

I am far from being done with this book, but in the interest of helping anyone out there that may be struggling with a teenager or just looking for parenting answers, I highly recommend that you read this book.
Today.
It is a book that I believe if followed, together with prayer and faith can actually crack the personal code on parenting.

To Be Continued.

Just Got Back From Roch

The girls (and Pax) and I drove 300 miles to visit my mother over the weekend.
The last time I saw her was between Christmas and New Year's day.
I slept in my dad's office/computer room surrounded by all his stuff.
Since his death five years ago, this was my first time to really examine his library.
He was a big underliner and highlighter of phrases so it is an interesting experience to read his books.
It is like having him read over my shoulder, making sure that I do not miss salient points.
I felt even more connected to him  when I discovered that he owned a hardbound copy of one of my favorite books (that my niece Erica recommended),
The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
I did not know that he had this.
But I am not surprised.

I recently read a book recommended by DZ called, Silent Voices, The Lives of the Trappists Today by photojournalist Frank Bianco.
Very fascinating, these monks are--so I wanted to visit one of their abbeys which is a 45 minute drive from my mom's house.
Last saturday my mom, my SIL Chari, K, G and I drove 45 minutes 60 minutes to visit the Genesee Abbey in Piffard, NY.
We got lost trying to find it.
As we were meandering through endless cornfields in the middle of well, cornfields-- my SIL Char teased me and predicted, "when we finally get there, the place will be closed for the summer."

It turns out, the chapel was closed for renovation.
(there's that words-become-our-prayer- thingy again.)
But all was not lost since the bread shop was open.
So we bought two loaves of delicious raisin bread.
And the day was still not wasted since I was also able to stalk my friend JB, who was also "in town"
visiting her sister who lives 5 miles away from the abbey.
JB is from a tight knit family and they are beginning to notice that we keep crashing their family events....

We did not stay long, as my eldest brother Jimmy was going to grill pork belly for dinner.
We did not get lost getting back to Roch.
After dropping my SIL off at their house,
and dropping my mom and K off at my mom's house--
G asked to go to a super large Barnes and Noble bookstore.
I dropped her off at the bookstore while I looked for "bear spray" in an outdoor sporting shop nearby.
While they did not sell bear spray, they did have bear proof canisters for sale.
Maybe they should make bear proof tents.
(they do. They are called houses.)

At my brother's house, had a huge dinner of grilled pork belly dipped in crushed garlic vinegar, grilled veggies.
And rice.
For dessert had many servings of creamy ice cream from the local dairy.

Drove back home today after church and a big lunch.
The big lunch was probably a mistake because I got very sleepy during the first 65 miles.
You know that jarring feeling when you realize that you may have been asleep for a split second?
Yep.
So I pulled into a rest stop.
Unfortunately two large tour buses got there before me and so the lines were very long to get a hot cup of coffee.
So I decided to check out the convenience store.
I found bottled iced Starbucks in the refrigerator and bought that instead.
That woke me up.
In fact I realize that it was better than hot coffee because I would not have been able to guzzle that down quickly.
The caffeine kept me alert as I drove through some powerful rain storms on the rest of the drive home.
It must have been pretty strong caffeine, as I am still awake right now, while the rest of my family sleeps.

I think I will counter the caffeine of the bottled Starbucks coffee with a shot of  iChill.
(Which works by the way, iChill, I mean--it is this berry flavored sleep aid concoction sold over-the-counter, but I am not yet sure of any side effects--more tests needed.)
And no,  I have not been paid to advertise either Starbucks or iChill.
Just sharing.

The Shark

I guess I was not completely okay.
Because if I was, I would have been happy for Steve when he got his Father's day letters from the girls.
The trigger was envy.
I got super envious of K's letter to him.
It was weep-worthy.

I repeat, I should have been happy.
But I wasn't.
So I bought a vacuum cleaner.
This was not an impulse buy, btw.
My vacuum cleaner had stopped working efficiently, many weeks  months ago.
So I quit vacuuming.

Although I was tempted,  I did not buy a Dyson vacuum cleaner.
After consulting with JB, she suggested I get the Shark Navigator from Target, and put the hundreds of dollars saved towards a really nice Stand-Up Paddle board that I have been wanting to get.
I am glad I did not fall for the British accent advertising an appliance that I will seldom use, as The Shark works really really well.

The amount of dust, dirt, dog and bunny fur, human hair, dead skin, etc that I sucked up was incredible.
I couldn't stop myself.
It is bag-less and despite the assault on my sinuses, I absolutely loved emptying the full container of life's mess into one garbage bag, over and over again.
(picture to follow)

I woke up at 4:30 this morning, tempted to vacuum some more but I didn't want to wake the house up.
Instead, I went downstairs and picked up a book that DZ lent me about the Holy Spirit.
The book is called Forgotten God by Francis Chan.
Chan's main point in the book is to remind people that Jesus promised that after his death, that all that believe in Him will be given the gift of the Holy Spirit.
The Holy Spirit will comfort and lead us, always, if we want the Holy Spirit to do so.
The thing is, I have heard this message ever since I was young but I never took it literally.
So I decided to really search the Bible and re-read the accounts of the arrival of the Holy Spirit. (It is in the New Testament)

So as I understand it, after Jesus spent his three years teaching and living by example among humans--
he followed Divine schedule by dying on the cross.
However, before he did that he assured his followers that there would be a substitute that would be sent to replace him.
This "sub" would not just walk among his followers, but would instead live inside each follower.
Jesus said, this is even better!

Okay, let me stop there.

I decided to think about that for a second.
I reflected on my recent bout of depression and the residual stuff I was still in the process of vacuuming away and thought about the idea of the Holy Spirit living in me...

The Holy Spirit that lives in me is not depressed.
My human spirit is.
Suddenly, something switched in my brain.
I had been pedaling uphill with my human nature when I could be stepping on the
"Holy Spirit accelerator" to move forward.

And that is how my mental state recovered in the wee hours of the morning in June.
Vacuuming moved my mental clouds,
but the reminder of the indwelling Holy Spirit that Comforts, Guides and Helps completely lifted the stubborn and heavy dirt.
The Holy Spirit is like the Shark Navigator of my heart and soul.
100% Guaranteed. Or Your Money back.

Mother's Day 2014 And An Indy 500

My heart was threatening to close.
But when Steve offered to take the girls to attend our nephew's First Communion in Indianapolis so I could relax here by myself--my heart opened right back up and I decided to go.
And it was not the power of reverse psychology either.
I suddenly remembered all I learned recently from the book Untethered Soul.

If we stop qualifying the conditions that will make us happy, we can actually choose to be in a constant state of happiness. We can make the choice to make happiness unconditional.

So I decided to refocus on making the 740-ish mile roundtrip an opportunity for family bonding instead of focusing on how deliciously relaxing the solitude of staying home sounded.
Energy grows when you choose to keep your heart open. I am telling you.
How to keep the heart open?
Answer:
When you feel your split personality reminding you of
"what you don't enjoy" --turn away from it.
That voice that constantly reminds you of what you don't like is an energy zapper.
It is like a passive-aggressive friend that you must either get rid of,  or regulate exposure to.

Focus on what you want.

I want to be with my family.
I want my children to honor family.

On our way home yesterday, my mind was at peace despite having to pry my fingers off the dashboard.
Steve's record breaking Indianapolis to Pittsburgh in 5 hours pushed me into deep prayer.
I reflected on Steve's Korean sister.
Despite the fact that she processes information differently, she gets around this and is truly committed to being the best mother she can possibly be for her 9 year old son, her Jungle Boy-like 4 year old and her precious 2 year old daughter.
I am in awe of her husband, an immigrant from Nepal --who works long hours in a gas station--who just recently moved his family into their first house.
A beautiful brand new home.
I am truly wowed by him and his open heart.

And then just when I thought being safely back home last night was sweet enough,
(Full disclosure: I was making a choice not to be hurt about my family not honoring mother's day for the second time in a row) they surprised me with this:

I went to sleep last night with my heart wide open, not because of what they gave me (but it did bring tears to my eyes) but because I realize that it is the only choice to make if one is to experience peace and happiness.

Our Return Trip: Part I

We opted for the pre-paid full tank of gas for our rented car to eliminate the stress of not having to refuel before catching our flight home.

As we were on our way to the airport, Steve said, "this worked out perfect, we have just enough gas to get us to the airport."

It is about 20 miles from St. Pete to the Tampa airport.

A few miles into the trip we passed this sign:

And then not too long after that the gas gauge indicator lit up.
However, by that time we were already committed to the long bridge.

At first it was a bit funny.
Like the-episode-in-Seinfeld-funny.

But then suddenly the traffic screeched to a grinding halt.
An electronic sign indicated that due to a crash,
the 4 mile long bridge was experiencing bumper-to-bumper traffic.
I became keenly aware of why the sign was necessary.

Steve said, "this is not good."
I responded in the only way I know, which was:
a.) to save gas by immediately turning off the air-conditioning
b.) I put my palms together, shut my eyes and prayed. (I realize that I may have looked odd to the people in the cars and trucks beside us, but I did. not. care.
c.) I asked my family to pray.

I prayed that we would not run out of gas.
I prayed that if we in fact ran out of gas--that we would be fine and be able to get the help needed and get our flights rebooked easily.
Then I changed my prayer back to simply: Please let us have enough gas get us to the airport.

~~~~~~~~~~
I have read countless articles about how our ability to respond to stressful situations is hard-wired into our brains as children. How we observed our parents responding to crisis has a direct influence on how we deal with stress today.  I am betting Steve's parents were matter-of-fact during "we-are-about-to-run-out-of-gas-be stranded-on-a-4-mile-bridge-and-not-make-our-flight-out" moments while I have quite vivid memories of my parents going into deep prayer during such times.
(I wonder how K and G will react when they are old.)
~~~~~~~~~~
As we inched our way over the bridge, we were all quiet except for the radio (K had asked whether it consumed gasoline, which made Steve laugh--meanwhile I felt it was a thoughtful question)
Miraculously, I did not allow the radio to  interfere with my prayer frequency.
We made it to the airport on Holy fumes.
I asked my family to say a prayer of thanks.
While we were walking towards the terminal, I started reliving the close call to K, when  she said to me not unkindly,
"Let it go. It's done, we made it."
But I told her that  I learned that there are three essential prayers: 
-Help
-Thanks
-Wow
Re-living the close call was just me being wowed.

Blog Deposit

I received a message the other day from a childhood friend.
A "one liner" that informed me that she was having one of those days again.
Just a few days before that, another childhood friend had telephoned me to vent and ask advice about something she was going through.
Unbeknownst to either of them, I too, was going through a few personal challenges myself.
To the friend who was having "one of those days.." I wrote,

Rumi once said, "The wound is the place where the light enters you."

All of us are given unlimited opportunities to distract us from our pain if we open our eyes and heart to the experience.
A stranger's smile,
The beauty of snow,
Someone waving you to move ahead in a traffic jam,
A random elderly woman's kind words,
A touch,
A toddler with Down syndrome wishing peace to fellow church goers,
A dog and a bunny getting along,

A warm blanket in a cold winter day,
are just a few examples of opportunities to feel blessed or hugged by God and/or the universe.

The key is to pay attention and look for them.
Once you start enumerating all that you are thankful for each day--yes even the simplest of things--like pets, running (hot) water, a soft bed...you raise your vibe.

A grateful vibe lifts "one of those days" any day.

I am not suggesting that you pretend that you are not bothered when things manage to bother you.
In fact, I highly recommend that you take notice of it.
Sit in silence with it in your mind, objectively noticing how you feel.
Then make a conscious effort to  physically relax every part of your body before you make the decision to let go or distance yourself of each and every negative thought, fear and feeling that has come up.

Notice, relax and release everything, big and small.

Do this when you are afraid you will wreck while you are driving through a storm.
Do this when a door in the rental house during a ski trip accidentally gets a fist through it.
Do this when your friend's lung collapses during that same ski trip.
Do this when you discover your child has broken your trust.

Do this when you feel your world is falling apart.
Do this when you become afraid that you have not done a good job.
Do this when you fear the worst.
Do this when you feel abandoned.

Notice, relax and release everything.
And then start your litany of gratefulness.
And I mean everything.
Scrape all the nooks and crannies of your life for things to be thankful for.
Do not waste a morsel of blessing.

The results are amazing.

I told my friend to try it.
I told her that coincidentally, I had just gone through a bout of debilitating depression two weeks ago (which was weird because I thought I was cured of that)
But I was able to get back up in less than 24 hours  because I went through my coping strategy checklist almost robotically.
I prayed.
I ran.
I noticed, relaxed and released.

I also reminded her of my favorite biblical anti-depressant in Philippians 4:6-7 which says,
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

To my other friend going through some difficulties in life my advice was this:
Do not look for ways to blame or change the people in your life--past or present-- for your current unhappiness.
Instead, seek to heal yourself.
While I am not saying that I do not think you have any right to feel bad,  that is irrelevant.
The solution is in your reaction or non-reaction to the problem.
The only way to stop contributing to the problem is by actively working on improving and healing one's self.
I suggested she read a few books that might help her.
I gave her five titles but said that they all say the same thing.
She just needs to find the one that she understands.
The books are:
1. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
2. The Power Of Now by Eckart Tolle
3. The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer
4. The Naked Now by Richard Rohr
5. A Return To Love by Marianne Williamson

But before sending her off to the bookstore I gave her crash course on self improvement with the following tips:
1. Be impeccable with your words--in all things. At  work. At home. To yourself.  (what you say about yourself to yourself) or about others.
2. Do not take things personally. EVER.
Nothing people ever do that is hurtful is ever really about you.
It is about their own selves and their own hurts.
3. Do not assume to know.
4. Always do your best. (in everything! health! exercise! work!parenting! laundry! etc)
5. Resist the urge to prove that you are correct. Give up the need for others to know that you are right, even if it is blatantly obvious to you.
6. Let go of your ego.  All of the world's problems are rooted in people being attached to their egos.
7. The way to stop thinking negative thoughts is to: Just Stop.
Replace each negative thought and memory with a positive or grateful thought.
Give up the "but what ifs." All of them.
8. Don't dread and don't dwell.
9. Pray and then Let Go. Resist trying to control everyone and everything.
10. Learn to Love and Forgive everyone.
Even the unlovable.
And when your humanness kicks in and you find yourself struggling to love unconditionally, focus on what and who you can love with ease.

After taking the time to help my friends, I found my own personal burdens lifting.
I was reminded to practice what I was preaching.
In fact I was forced to do so--just so I could truly help by authentic example.
I was able to open up about my current challenges and show her the steps I was taking in order to transcend it all.
It is such an amazing experience to feel the instantaneous rewards of giving up parts of yourself in order  to help others.
I realize that I can confidently help others because of all the difficulties I have experienced in my life.
I also realize that all these hardships that I have gone through have made me a much stronger person.
Every single day I get to see God working in my life, and it is deepening my faith.
I am beginning to see that all the things that have sucked me into a pit of despair are the very same things that have strengthened my connection to God.

Faith is like a muscle. 
Your faith can't get stronger if your faith is never challenged.

And there are less things to fear in life when you have faith.

Extremely Funny

It is close to midnight and I am still wide awake. 

Might be because of a chocolate buzz.

Might also be due to my day.

Spent many hours at the hospital with Kika. She needed a bone scan to rule out the possibility of a stress fracture in her leg.  She thinks it is from playing soccer, while I think her leg hurts in her head.

She finally won 1st place in a high school XC meet and then promptly refused to run again.

If it is a stress fracture I will apologize edit this post and act like I never thought it was mental.

While waiting for the dye to work for the bone scan, Kika asked me if she could have some friends over on friday before  going to a high school football game.
I said yes.

After we got home from the hospital, Gabi and I drove waaaaay out of my radius, as in 12 miles away north to pick up a small animal cage that someone was freecycling to me.
(We did not need another cage, but thought a small one might be useful for long car rides her bunny might take with us.)
As we were leaving the house of the freecycling woman, I overheard her 19 year old son needing a ride to his job at a Boston Market that was on our way home. So we offered him a ride.
Small talk in the car disclosed that he was a music and theater major.
So I asked him to sing.
He did the Aladdin duet, A Whole New World--singing both male and the female voices--perfectly.
I laughed so hard I almost wrecked the car.
After dropping him off,  we stopped to shop for a birthday gift for a party Gabi is attending on thursday before heading home.

Back home, over a quick dinner of Trader Joe's frozen macaroni and cheese--
Kika asked me if on friday, some boys could come over too.
With some trepidation and not a few admonitions about house rules, mob mentality and kids' stupidity,
I said yes.

Then the girls and I were off again.
This time Kika, Gabi and I went to decorate the school gym with posters for the 8th graders on Gabi's volleyball team.
In the time it took to decorate the gym, there was a green tea incident to transcend before
Kika's "some friends on friday" mushroomed into a party.
I, in a Nagasaki moment almost shut it down.
But I didn't.

I decided that the best way to make informed decisions about allowing Kika to attend parties in the future would be to actually host one.
I also calculated the convenience of an early party wrap up due to a 7 pm football game.
And as added insurance, I told her that it was in her best interest to host her party well.
All of this was discussed in the car, btw--while waiting for Gabi to finish up volleyball practice.

While waiting--
Made a quick call to my australian brother,  who was visiting my mother in NY to apologize for being unable to see him during his trip.
His cross atlantic/pacific travels unfortunately coincided with our kids' cross country season.
And then we went home.

At home, we discovered that Gabi's bunny had escaped from its enclosure.
It was roaming free in the house.
With Pax, the dog that can not be trusted.
The bunny was not killed.

I was suddenly so very thankful that Steve had insisted (in a rather morbidly fascinated way) on introducing those two animals.
Almost everyday of the month Steve allowed Pax some nose-to-nose time with the rabbit.
I would have never done that.
I would have been too afraid that things would end badly.
But somehow, Steve's instincts were correct.
The highly supervised exposure of the dog and the bunny in a limited and controlled setting was absolutely necessary for their peaceful coexistence.

Highly supervised, limited and in a controlled setting.
Eureka moment.
I suddenly realize that although this is out of our comfort zone, we have the tools to host a high school party this coming friday.
We will do our best to make it a nice, quick and wholesome evening for Kika and her friends.
The bunny was not killed.
All will be well.
(that is my prayer anyway)

We are not helping our children by always preventing them from what might be necessary falling, because you learn how to recover from falling, by falling! It is precisely by falling off the bike many times that you eventually learn what the balance feels like.  The skater pushes both right and left eventually goes where he or she wants to go.  People who have never allowed themselves to fall are actually off balance, while not realizing it at all.
~Richard Rohr, Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life.

A Long Run On A Sunday

There is an old saying that
"No one catches the wild ass by running, and yet only those who run ever catch the wild ass."
Maybe we can say, "No one comes to God just by loving or suffering, yet only those who have loved and suffered seem to come to God more deeply."
-Richard Rohr, The Naked Now.

How To Live A Better Story

"All great changes are preceded by chaos."

~Deepak Chopra

We did not just land in the middle of our story.

We authored it, and we continue to do so on a daily basis.

As authors, we can direct and edit our story.

My friend DZ gave me a book called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller.

In this book, Miller compares writing a story to living a life.

How we live our life is us writing our story.

The basic structure of a good story is about a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

People tend to root for such characters when it is established that the character has basic goodness in him/her.

Sometimes conflict is something born into, while other times the conflict is inflicted or is brought about by an inciting event.

I have gone through certain experiences in life that have left me feeling lost and unsure of my self at times.

It has led me to make bad decisions, go through depression and be unable to give my best self in my relationships.

It has led to a few inciting events in my life.

An inciting event causes you to be confused, angry and to feel stuck.
Some people go through just one event, while others go through a series of them. 
While it is happening it looks and feels over-the-top bad,

however interestingly enough, the sheer explosion of an inciting event forces our character to evolve or make changes. 

We can get unstuck by making a decisive choice to tell a better story.
While this sounds easier said than done when one is in the midst of absolute stuckness--
I am discovering that changes made in order to start living a better story,  don't necessarily have to be drastic.
First,
We can start by quitting something really simple.
We must stop retelling stories about experiences that did not bring us happiness.
(The story about the unbelievably rude salesperson,  the argument at the office, the friend that was inconsiderate, that fact that you were raised by a pack of wolves, etc.)
Then,
We can redirect the path of our life by making sure that that which brings us joy, takes nothing away from others.
(Examining even a good thing, like going for a run--if my choice to go for a run means I am never home for dinner with my family...that choice does not support me telling a better
story.)
Last,
Make a conscious effort to be grateful participants instead of unwilling victims of our life story.
Start your day appreciative of your chance to sleep. 
Say the words Good Morning- not only to yourself but to your family. 
Start your day with a smile and a prayer. 
(Something I work on daily as I prod my daughters to get up each morning, herding them to make their beds, pick up their clothes, remember everything they should have prepared before bed...etc)

I am finding out firsthand that we can start right where we are, right now, not by focusing on what brought us to where we are today but rather by practicing the following 10 tips as consistently as can be:

1. Be awed by life and take nothing for granted.

Train your thoughts and attention to things you appreciate. It does not have to be extraordinary.

A child's smile, hot steaming rice, a hug, the absence of a headache, a reliable car, a text, a cup of coffee, a herd of deer, sunshine, a comfortable bed, a green light, a piece of cake, a wifi connection, the sound of a good laugh, etc.

2. Be grateful.

Appreciate the good stuff but also learn to be grateful for the disappointments and the painful events because all of it, and I mean all-- are part of a much bigger picture. 

Set-backs and sorrow can become spring boards for change.

We can find something to appreciate in difficult situations if we look hard enough.

3. Forgive yourself and others.

Stop blaming your upbringing or your genetics or a past event.

Stop carrying a grudge or holding on to hatred.

Stop replaying negative experiences-- leave them in the past where they belong.

4. Be done with unhealthy habits.

Stop trying to please everyone and stop trying to control everything.

Stop dreading things and worrying about what has not happened yet, but when

unpleasant situations happen in the present--do not deny that they are in fact, unpleasant.

(Not facing it causes deeper problems in the future)

5. Stay on healthy airwaves.

We constantly broadcast and receive signals and vibrations from one another so choose what you send out and what you accept. 
What you think, ends up being what you feel.
Thoughts are our prayers, so think only of what you want.  
Surround yourself with whom and what you want to be.

My niece Erica shared a book with me called  The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

It is a pretty concise and no nonsense approach to life. 

Practicing the following four agreements guide me as I strive to tell a better story:

6. Be impeccable with your words. 

Say only what you mean with truth and love.

7. Don’t take anything personally.

What others say and do is a reflection of what they feel about themselves.

When you stop taking things personally, you eliminate your suffering.

8. Don't make assumptions.

If you are unsure, ask for clarification. 

Assuming the worst leads to drama and misunderstanding. 

Learn to take things at face value because sometimes believing the best in people, bring out the best in people.

9. Always do your best

When we know that we have done our best, we eliminate regrets.
Regrets are insidious.

The last tip that has been helping me navigate through life is this:

10. Have Faith and Surrender the outcome. 

Trust that if you do your best to lead an authentic (and God-centered) life, that one day, all the pieces will fall into place.  

You will get exactly what you need at the exact time that you need it.

Decide on the story you want to tell and live each day in support of it.

Living a better story will make you a happier person and ultimately add more joy  to those you love and to the rest of the world.

I Could Use Some Hot Soup Right Now.

I just finished reading a book that I borrowed from DZ called, Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.
The cover states that it is a book about nonreligious thoughts about Christian spirituality.
I liked it.
I liked how reading it felt like I was having an interesting conversation with an unfamiliar visitor.
I realize I enjoyed this particular visit because I did not have to change out of my sleeping clothes.
I could tune in and tune out of the conversation without appearing rude and most of all, I did not have to put on my "open face" (the face I wear when I interact with people).
I cracked up today when I read the author describe himself as a cordless screwdriver that needed many hours of charging for just a little bit of use.
Just yesterday I had answered my friend JB's text with a quick: I am recharging.
And today, when my other angel SL would not stop texting me until I responded with a grunt (her words)
I texted her the cordless screwdriver line that I had just read. (I did not credit it to Miller though)

I AM recharging.

Despite the very minimal traveling and holiday socializing we did (mostly dabbled really)
I was SPENT.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy to celebrate the holidays.
I was glad that I did not really have to put on my "open face" unwillingly.
The holidays just emptied me out.
And the routine necessary for me to be upright was not too easy to keep.
But I am getting back on track, starting with a workout tomorrow with CK.

Speaking of visitors filed under the  "I needed my 'open face' for"---
The other day, Fr. James B. Reuter, the priest that officiated in the weddings of my parents, two of my sisters and one brother--I think he also baptized all of us--died.
He was 96 years old.
When the Silvas were still all together, we would have these once-a-year dinners with him.
It was the only time that we ever sat at our formal dining table since we normally gathered in the kitchen.
My only memories of this beautiful table were of the dinners with Fr. Reuter and of my evenings spent sitting at it, struggling with math homework.











Coincidentally, a day before Fr. Reuter died, this very table that reminded me of him was sold.
It was sold because the house I grew up in is also in the process of being sold.
It is a challenging time and process and it marks yet another chapter of the Silva family's life that is either closing, opening or both.
(methinks this may be contributing to my feelings of depletion)
Anyhow, as I trolled the internet reading up on the various thoughts and memories people had posted about Fr. Reuter's life and death-
I stumbled upon a completely unrelated young Jesuit priest's essay about life and our purpose.

A line struck me. Got me out bed actually.

God entrusts us with the lives of others even when many times we cannot even manage our own.
-Francisco Alvarez, SJ

How powerful and what a reminder for me to just keep on trucking.
I am going through something right now but it is nothing that I can't handle with faith.
(not the country singer).
And I have tools!

After I post this, I shall prepare a large, hot steaming bowl of wanton shrimp noodle soup.
One must be properly nourished to live a purposeful life after all.
And then I shall bathe my dog.
Happy New Year.

Nuggets from The Power Of Now

(By Eckart Tolle)

I have been listening to the Audiobook.

I listen to this while working out so that I can work on both physical and mental fitness at the same time.

It's all good.

My NOW thoughts:

1. Living in the past (whether it is basking in a memory or kicking myself about something) OR worrying about something in the future is not helpful. All that is important is right now.

Right now. Like this blog post for example. I am writing this right now because writing helps me process.

2. Sitting in silence and training your brain to focus on the gaps between thoughts actually trains one's brain to have bigger gaps. The bigger the gaps between thoughts, then the clearer one's mind is to focus on whatever is happening in the present. I know, that seems like a brain twister. Sorry.

Side note:

I don't know if I am imagining this, if anyone of you reading this is having the same experience, please email me--but the less I focus on yesterday and tomorrow--the more forgetful I seem TODAY!!!!!

-I have been forgetting my cell phone lately.

-While on a recent trip, I stuffed my Ipad on the outside pocket of an unlocked suitcase and checked it. It went through two plane transfers and lay vulnerably during a few hours of a layover. But yet it remained intact.

I think, the reason I have been forgetting my technological devices, is because I am trying to be less attached to them, and more mindful of my time with people I love or when I am alone. However, it is never my intention to be careless with these possessions.

I don't think focusing on the now should mean being reckless.

3. However, 'focusing on the now' does mean--not wasting time on thoughts and worries about what has not happened yet.

It means dealing with life to the best of one's ability while at the same time surrendering and accepting the outcome.

And praying works.

Memorized prayers mind you.

Reciting memorized prayers in my mind, displaces (and replaces) thinking...

--thinking and analyzing and worrying and alas... remembering my cell phone.

Start Where You Are

Is what I am telling myself.

My hormones are challenging me to practice what I preach.


...this email was sent hastily by chesca from her cell phone.

Field Work

I've been doing a lot of studying lately. Actually more like cramming.

It's a research study on love, peace and how to be in this constant state of love and peace.

I am not speaking of romantic love either-- do not get me wrong. I am talking about just everyday love. Love as a guiding force behind very basic actions like having a routine conversation with your family, parenting your children, bill paying, interacting, driving, putting gas in a car (this reminds me, I need to put gas in our car before my long drive today)

I am here visiting my mom and I am reading a book called

'A Return To Love' by Marianne Williamson that I can not put down.

(thanks ck)

This book is an experience.

As I read it, I feel a sense of euphoria about reading what seems to be a well written thesis on the topic of life.

I feel excited...like I am about to grasp something.

I am still processing it. I decided to write about it right now even if I am about to drive almost 5 hours today because writing helps me understand.

Plus it will give me a chance to ponder processed thoughts while driving.

~~~~~~~~~~

I've always thought that the opposite of love was not hate but indifference.

It is not.

This book, has opened up my mind to the idea that

The opposing energy of love is fear.

I realize that every unloving act or thought I have had in the past has been rooted in fear.

Fear is often disguised as anger, pain, depression, greed, jealousy, loneliness etc.

Basically all negative thoughts or actions can be traced to fear.

~~~~~~~~~~

What I am learning so far from this book:

-The ability to shift perception from negative to positive is a miracle.

-Hitting rock bottom is actually a gift. Desperation makes one turn to God.

-Despite the common phrase: "nobody is perfect"--everyone is in fact perfect.

The appearance of imperfection is merely due to fear.

-inauthentic parts of us shed when we focus on following the will of God

The will of God can discerned when we take time to listen.

-We are all connected. Any time a disconnection happens it is due to ego and the inability to love unconditionally. Love never dies.

(you don't need to physically see someone, in order to still love. I know this firsthand based on my love for my dad even if he died three years ago)

-page 38-39 explains how:

The Holy Spirit is God's answer to the ego and that in fact any situation that pushes our buttons is a situation where we don't have the capacity to be unconditionally loving.

-Only our ego can push our buttons

-love is not love unless it is unconditional.

More later.

---------------------------------

The current time is 2 PM and I have not showered nor brushed my teeth yet.

I have to stop writing right now because in honor of my dad who loved garage sales, I made a date to go to a super sale at a nearby church with my mother, my sister Charissa, my two girls and my niece Jules.

And then we will stop by my father's grave. After dinner, the girls and I will drive the 300 miles home, and will hopefully be home by midnight.

But not before I put gas in my car lovingly.