A Visit From An Old Friend

A few days ago Steve noticed a cat on our porch.
The cat would leave as soon as it saw someone but would return once the porch was empty.
Then Kika came home one night at and gave it water and food and so it was no longer afraid of us.
He came right up to us and sat on our laps when we sat out in the porch. (it was unseasonably warm this week)
The cat wanted to come inside our house.

But we didn't let it in because of our dog, rabbit, gerbil and also because we wanted the cat to be able to go back to its home.
The cat didn't have a collar,  but he certainly did not act like a stray.
When the girls asked if we could keep the him if we could not find the owners, Steve was adamant.
He said, "I'm not a cat person" and Kika is allergic. (which she is.)
However, for some strange reason, despite Kika's cuddling with this cat, it was not making her eyes swell up.
Anyhow, we set out to find the owners.
I posted pictures on Facebook and on the local neighborhood website.
Then Kika and I took the cat to the vet to have him scanned for an identification microchip.
The cat did have a chip but when the vet called the chip company, the phone number attached to the chip was disconnected.
But the company said that the chip was bought and implanted by the Animal Rescue League in 2002.
We were so surprised to find out that he was over 16 years old.
And, the date it was implanted was December 3rd, which happens to be my birthday.
I called the ARL and gave them the microchip number but they too came up with a dead end for the owner.
I sent them photos of the cat and all of my information.
Meanwhile, the ARL told me to bring the cat in and they would find it a new home.
The prospect of taking a 16+ year old cat to the animal shelter did not appeal to us.
Steve suddenly had a mysterious change of heart.
Somehow this cat nuzzled his way into our life.
We decided that the only way he was leaving us was if we found his owners.
We bought supplies "cat people" buy.

We got a collar and a tag with his new name "Wendell" and my cell phone number listed on the other side.
We loved him for an entire day.
Until the Animal Rescue League called me back telling me that they found Wendell's owner.
Wendell's real name is Ben.
Ben was reunited with his owners today, February 23rd.
I found out that Ben walked two miles and crossed an extremely busy main road to meet me and my family.
February 23rd is the birthday of my best friend Elaine.
Elaine died in a car accident and was an avid cat lover.
She had a cat named Tabby that looked exactly like Ben.
February 23rd is also significant because after Elaine died, it is the date I found out that I was pregnant with Kika even if I thought I could not have children.
This cat was microchipped on my birthday so that in case he was ever lost he would be found.
This cat was found by his owners on Elaine's birthday so that just in case I ever doubted, I would be strengthened.

PHOTOS

A Burial with Full Military Honors Was An Absolutely Beautiful Way To Say Goodbye

But the highlight of my father-in-law's burial was the miracle of Jamie.

Our nephew Jamie has autism.
He has an incredible memory.
He remembers faces, names, streets and maps.
He can tell you when a Disney movie was released. When he was three he could identify every car he saw.
Well now Jamie is twelve years old.
His autism is noticeable because he has certain impulses that can attract attention.
He utters words like "cutie" or "stupid" or a hybrid of both when he meets people.
Then he bursts out in laughter.
Sometimes he has the urge to topple over chairs, or fling things.
Because of his condition, he was the only grandson that was unable to be a pall bearer.


I think he gets an idea in his head of how something should look.
So, he closes things that are ajar or opens things that are shut.
Needless to say, I was nervous about how Jamie would react when he saw his grandfather laid out in a casket.

Jamie's parents are very admirable.
They calmly manage their son with consistency, patience, and good old screen time. (Jamie loves his Ipad)
It is clear that they prepared their son extremely well for what to expect because Jamie (and his two younger siblings) were composed throughout both days of the viewing.

The funeral mass though, I thought would pose a different challenge.
Due to the assigned order of processing into church, Jamie  became separated from both his mom and his dad.
He somehow ended up in a pew in between Gabi and me.
When I saw what had happened, I felt an internal panic.
I did not know how to "manage" him.
I feared a scene or an outburst of some sort.
I think I uttered a "Oh Lord" under my breath--but I don't think I was praying.

The mass was beautifully concelebrated by two priests that knew my father-in-law.
I noticed out of the corner of my eye that Jamie was sitting without fidgeting.
I thought, it was odd and so I wondered if he had his Ipad.  I saw that he was empty handed.
I quickly looked away for fear of jinxing the serenity.
I closed my eyes and this time said a prayer of thanks and urged God to keep doing whatever it was He was doing.
The liturgical service was not short, yet through it all, Jamie remained still and appropriately responsive.
In all my years of knowing Jamie, I had never heard him respond properly nor sit quietly for church.
At the end of the mass, everyone processed out in the same order,  and I was expecting Jamie to break lose to try to join either his mom or dad.
He did not.
He walked out solemnly in between Gabi and me with his arms linked through ours,  escorting us.

At the grave site, the Honor guard was waiting motionless.
With very sharp, crisp and precise movements,
they carried my father-in-law's casket draped in the flag of the United States.
They performed a march and a salute.
I was absolutely mesmerized by the flag folding.
It was a sight to behold.
The playing of Taps and the three volley salute took the sting out of having to say good bye to a great man.
The folded flag and three shell casings, for Duty, Honor and Country--were presented to my mother-in-law with a steadfast and unflinching gaze.
You had to be there.
It was one of the most solemn and beautiful ceremonies I have ever witnessed in my life.
And, through it all--yes even with the succession of shots fired--Jamie too, remained steadfast and unflinching.
A burial with full military honors is  a perfect send off.
And so is Jamie.
Despite how "wild" and locked into his own world Jamie usually is, (and was right after we left the cemetery)  I can see how he is thriving because of his parents' love.

There are two things that I am sure happened during my father-in-law's funeral last March 13th.
The first is, I know without a doubt that a Jamie miracle happened, and the second is,
I know that he made his Papa proud.

The Mission (A Very Long Post)

For any visitor new to my blog, I must mention that I have not always been wired this way.
By 'this way' I am referring to how about 7 years ago, I started developing a mild travel phobia.
It started innocuously enough, but not really enough to actually stop me from going anywhere.
However, one day, without realizing it, my affliction metamorphosed into a full-on habit of completely dreading vacations due to extreme anxiety.
I would brace myself for all trips and then would start obsessively dwelling on my fear of the unknown.
And then because of the gargantuan effort (an act) I put into making sure that everyone had a great time, I would be emotionally and physically drained after a trip.
A very vicious and messy cycle.

But that was before I started making changes in my life.
Ever since I incorporated a healthier lifestyle
(prayer, meditation, exercise and a better diet),
I am sensing that part of me is in the process of being healed.
So in the continuing effort to rewire myself,  I decided a few months ago to practice pushing myself to say yes to life. (The caveat being it must be a healthy choice)

This is how I ended up in Kingston for 6 days last week.
With 48 high school girls.

Let me backtrack.
I was asked by Kika if I would chaperone the junior and senior girls on a mission trip to Kingston, Jamaica.
Kingston is the nontouristy (no beach) side of Jamaica.
I was born and raised in a nontouristy part of the Philippines.
I knew exactly what to expect.
A foreign mission trip's goal aside from helping others, is to allow people to immerse themselves in an unfamiliar culture, stripping them of their comfort in order to either commune better with the people being served and if it is a Christian/Catholic led mission trip--then ultimately,  it is so people get closer to God.
Meanwhile, I had been praying for help with my difficult relationship with Kika.
Imagine my shock when she, who up until this point seemed to actively despise me, actually chose to invite me. (!!?!?)
So, in an effort to practice a faith of action,
I went against the raw desire of my core that wanted to decline this "honor," and said YES.

As the trip approached, I practiced my "don't dread, don't dwell" strategy.
I literally decided not to expect anything. I didn't even allow my brain to think about the pending week. Every time it would enter my mind I would tell myself:
"Live in the now. We are not there yet."

I did not dwell on the fact that this mission trip conflicted with a family vacation planned and that Steve and Gabi were going to proceed to Florida with family friends (JB's) without us.

So, while these two were away at a beach,

Kika and I went on a mission trip.

Nothing about this trip was easy.
It started first thing in the morning when I made a game day decision not to drive to the airport. (Steve was already gone)
My friend DZ drove us to a nearby bus stop so Kika and I could catch the public bus to the airport.
While I loved not having to drive in icy, unpredictable traffic and airport parking conditions,
Kika hated it:

So if my singular mission for going was to improve my relationship with her,
we were off to a rocky start.

Some PHOTOGRAPHABLE moments.

I photographed many parts of this trip except our visits to the Jamaica National Children's Home (JNCH) and Tegwyn Unit.

JNCH is an orphanage  and across the street is the Tegwn Special Unit.
Tegwyn is a facility for mentally and physically disabled orphaned children and young adults.
I went to Tegwyn.
Having almost zero exposure to people with disabilities, my first day there was rough.
I could not bond with anyone.
Incapable of communicating with the residents, I was so unsure of how to interact with them.
Initially,  I felt sick to my stomach at the severity of their conditions.
It was somewhat shocking to see such a concentration of, what I perceived to be, imperfect and broken people.
It felt so artificially forced to reach out and feed and hold and wipe and smile and sing and pray.
(I felt like a politician.)
Don't get me wrong--everyone on this trip could choose whether they wanted to visit  Tegwyn.
No one was forced to.
Except me.
I forced myself to stay.
Yet, although I stayed, I could not bring myself to feel love for them, which is ironic--considering it was Valentine's Day.

I was secretly counting the minutes and seconds until it was time to get back on the 90 minute long and bumpy bus ride back to our accommodations.

As we drove away from the Tegwyn Special Unit, I sat in silence questioning God.
I pondered the fairness of the Tegwyn residents' lives, seemingly, stuck in a torturous purgatory.
Guessing that most of the orphans had, among a host of physical deformities and complications, autism, and cerebral palsy.
I am ashamed to admit that I pondered whether death for these individuals would be or would have been a blessing.
It was a troubling feeling.
And so I started to pray.
I prayed not only for them but for myself.
I prayed for peace.
Suddenly, amidst the smell of diesel and the zigzag mountainous roads, I had a revelation.
I thought about that part of the Bible that reads,

"But who are you, my friend to talk back to God? 
a clay pot does not ask the man who made it, 'why did you make me like this?' 
After all, the man who makes the pots  has the right to use the clay as he wishes, 
and to make two pots from the same lump of clay, 
one for special occasions and the other for ordinary use."
~Romans 9:20

I recalled how startlingly impressed I was with the high school girls that chose to visit Tegwn.
They were so natural, loving and selflessly giving to all the residents.
As to whom God was using for special occasions in this instance, and who was for ordinary use, I don't know--as the actions of the teens were not ordinary.
All present were special.
Bear in mind that up until this point of the trip, I was merely tolerating the high school girls.
(a manifestation of my personal struggle with my own daughter.)
My epiphany continued.
I realized that we are all connected in sharing the goal of glorifying God--in whatever capacity given to us. No one more important than the other.

"Jesus answered, 'his blindness has nothing to do with his sins or his parents' sins.  He is blind so that God's power might be seen at work in him."
John 9:3 

I remembered the kind and lovely workers at Tegwyn.
How none of them seemed impatient nor burdened with the amount of work and care that needed to be done.
How very evident that God's love was being expressed by the caregivers.
Everyone embodied the word: authentic.
Then, I called to mind one of my favorite verses in the Bible that says,

"Do not conform yourselves to the standards of this world, but let God transform you inwardly by a complete change of your mind.  Then you will be able to know the will of God-what is good and is pleasing to him and is perfect."
~Romans 12:2

Before our bus even arrived at our living quarters, I knew that I was not done with Tegwyn.
So, even if our small group was not scheduled to go back there, L (another mom) and I asked our mission trip director if our group could return.
D accommodated our request.



"May you be filled with loving-kindness.
May you be well in body and mind.
May you be safe from all things physical and mental,
May you be truly happy and free."
~A Loving-kindness meditation



On our fifth day in Jamaica, two of our groups went back to the orphanage.

This time,  I was ready.

The moment I got there, I started visiting with as many residents as I could.
One 27-year-old woman named  Nikki, I could not ignore.
When I saw her the first time we visited, she was slumped in a wheelchair but had no use of any of her limbs.
She was non-verbal with zero mobility.
I think I was drawn to her because her face, although with a vacant expression, had normal features that did not seem to belong to her misshapen and diminutive body.
And then there were her eyes.
She had a piercing stare that seemed to look right into your soul.
It was during our second visit that I noticed that she was beautiful.
This time she was not in a wheelchair but rather placed on a large thick gym mat on the floor.
In an effort to get down to her level, I ended up lying down beside her in order to hold her hand while I whispered my prayers for her.
Her continued expressionless countenance prodded me to imagine what it would feel like to be trapped in my body with a stranger in my face, without the ability to express myself.
I didn't stay beside her much longer for fear of irritating her.

I made the rounds with other residents sitting with them, interacting, hand holding, and back-rubbing when suddenly I noticed a young man (who looked to be about 20 years old) looking at me.
Roy, whose face had a stolid quality to it, seemed to actually see me.
I turned to him and asked (I think, rhetorically)
"What can I do for you?"

What happened next I will try to express, but I am afraid words can not do it justice because the experience was somewhat indescribable.

I sensed Roy was trying to communicate with me.
He ambled laboriously towards me with the help of his walker.
Also non-verbal (not a sound) and with minimal use of his hands,
he seemed to telepathically, for lack of a better word, get me to understand that he wanted to go for a walk in the grassy area outside of their covered  and fenced in porch.
I had to fit his walker sideways through a narrow gate, then go back in for him to lead him to his walker.
And in what seemed to take forever and yet in an instant--
We were understanding each other with very minimal cues.
We walked side by side until he stopped at a spot he seemed to like.
Then, in a curious turn of events--he parked his walker and then took my arm to use me as his walker--and led me back to the porch.
Now we were walking fast.
His body language was urgent.
As we headed back to where we came from, I glanced back at the walker we left behind,  wondering what we were doing.
Back in the porch, he decisively led me to a 17-year-old girl in a wheelchair.
Still using me as his walker, Roy took my left hand and placed it on the left handle of the girl's wheelchair.
My right hand he positioned on the right handle of the wheelchair.
I understood.
As I wheeled her towards the narrow gate, he somehow indicated a latch I had not noticed before, to make the opening wider to fit her wheelchair.
And we were off.
Pushing the girl's wheelchair, Roy hanging on my arm--I made our way back to the walker.
Once we got there, Roy made me park her wheelchair beside him while he sat on the cushioned bench of his walker.
He was clearly satisfied.
Facing them, I stared quizzically.
Then it suddenly dawned on me.
"Wait a minute," I said.
"I think I know what is going on here. I think we have a love connection."
Roy's face remained unchanged.
But the girl, without being able to focus her gaze on me (I was not sure if she could see) broke into a huge grin.
I was unable to pronounce that girl's name--which is why I don't remember it--but I will never forget her look of pure joy.

After my interaction with Roy and the girl, something mysterious shifted in me, and I suddenly felt like I could understand the unspoken language of the facility.
A 12 year old boy approached me and I was able to play ball with him and other children.
When we left that day, I felt an overwhelming love for each and every resident of the
Tegwyn Special Unit in Kingston, Jamaica. (<--please help)

Processing this now weeks later, this is what I know.

I know that the little bit of connection at Tegwyn made my heart crack open.
I am also aware that when I had no love in me towards them, they felt it and were not interested in interacting. But, when I returned with a peaceful heart and a desire to love, the Tegwyn residents became receptive and in turn, allowed me briefly into their lives.

In the beginning of this post, I mentioned how physically and mentally exhausted I become after going on any trip.
Strangely enough, this journey, while quite difficult due to
-the sporadic and weak, cold-water showers, non-flushing toilets, the absence of evening quiet and privacy,  the garbage-strewn landscape, the dead dog we walked by as we visited a few invalids in a poverty-stricken neighborhood,
the long stretches of the helter-skelter commute from where we slept to where we worked-
--all of these aspects, surprisingly did not drain me.

The shared goal of service with an incredibly lovely team of 60 selfless people,
the simple but delicious meals coupled with the discipline of focusing on the now,
made me return home energized.
(Plus our Moms' Evening Tabata Workouts and
our 'Rose, Thorn, Bud' sessions definitely enriched.)

And, if my sole purpose for going was to improve my relationship with my daughter, then I will say that we've taken a step in the right direction.

Claudine

Late last June I got a Facebook friend request from Claudine, a friend from college whom I had not seen in over twenty years. We were actually friends-in-law--I knew her through Augie, a close friend of mine.

Me, Augie and Claudine, Los Angeles, Ca. 1993.

I accepted the friend request but was unable to exchange messages with her right away.
It was the end of July before I remembered to write to her before leaving for our family vacation.
(On my list of things to do before leaving: stop the mail, contact the dog sitter, clean the bathrooms, write to Claudine)
When she responded, she told me that she was having health problems.
Serious ones.  The type with the stages.
By the time our correspondence continued,  I was already in Florida-- but because of the nature of her personal news,  I did not mention that I was on vacation.
I think I withheld that information because it felt out of place in a conversation about chemotherapy.
Claudine mentioned that Augie was going to visit her from Texas in a few days.
I was happy for her. I even requested that they take pictures of Augie's visit.
Before I signed off, I told her that I was going to pray for her. And I did.
That evening, I told Steve about my friend's condition and he confirmed that it was grave.
~~~~~
While I was in Florida, I made a conscious decision not to post pictures online.
I was trying to be present, and in the moment--instead of focusing on the perfectly staged shot to share with friends.  I stuck to this decision until six days into the trip I felt the urge to post this photo of Steve on Facebook.  (Something about the beauty of the double rainbows and the symbol of God’s promise)

The picture posted together with our location: TopGolf, Tampa Florida.
Suddenly I received a message from Claudine:
“Are you in Tampa?” she inquired.
I said, "yes, I've been here since Saturday. Tomorrow is our last full day here. We leave Saturday morning. Why?"
She said, "Augie is here with me, and she said that you posted a picture saying that you are here too."
I was so confused.
All this while I thought that Claudine still lived in Los Angeles.
I had no idea that while we were chatting earlier in the week--that we were already in the same city.  Claudine was excited that I was in town, but because she had chemotherapy scheduled for the next morning, she wanted Augie to be able to see me. She offered that Augie drive her car while she was at her session.
I told her that I would go to see them, because I wanted to see her.

It was past midnight on Thursday, but right away I asked Steve if he could drive me first thing in the morning about 45 minutes away.  I wanted to get there before Claudine left for the hospital.
I asked Steve because I don’t drive well in unfamiliar cities or at all.
Steve agreed to take me, (which in itself is a miracle as Steve is not a morning person)
~~~~~
The next morning, although we hit traffic and sudden torrential rain, we got to Claudine’s house on time.  The moment I stepped in,  for some reason, Claudine, Augie and I started laughing about one
thing after another.  Our time together was brief but filled with so much joy.

me, Claudine, her sister Melina, Augie: Tampa, Florida 7/31/2015

Perhaps our giddiness was brought on by the serendipitous nature of finding ourselves all together in one place.  (I had not seen Augie in eight years, and Claud’s sister Melina who now lives in Tacoma,  I don’t think I’ve seen since our college days)
We chatted, laughed and teased each other non-stop until Claudine excused herself to get ready for her appointment.
While Claudine was in the shower, out-of-the-blue Augie suddenly asked me,
“What made you come?”
I asked, "you mean here for vacation?”
She said--“no, here,  this morning.”
I looked at her and said: “I wanted to pray for her.”
Augie’s already large eyes got even larger as she said, "Chesca. This is why I decided to come too.”
"I wanted to pray with her because  “When two or more are gathered...” Augie started to say...
I interrupted her:
“...There I am in their midst.”  (-Matt 18:20)
~~~~~
I don’t know how to put into words the experience of praying with Claudine and Augie that morning, amidst the mist and steam of Claudine’s after-shower bathroom.
(It was the only private place we had as Steve, Claudine’s family and guests were in the living room)
The three of us held each other praying for healing, with uncontrollable tears streaming down our faces.
By the time we were done praying--there was a serenely peaceful look on Claudine’s face that I shall
never forget.

7/31/2015

~~~~~
Last week,  I made the 300 mile drive to visit my mother for her birthday.
Right before I pulled out of my driveway, I got a message from Augie telling me that Claudine needed prayers.
I spent the next 5 hours of my drive, praying for Claudine.
I was unsure of exactly what to pray for.
I prayed for miraculous healing, but I also prayed for God’s Will for her and that if she was to go, that she transitioned peacefully without suffering.
I wish that this is the part where I report a miracle, that Claudine defied all medical prognosis and is well today.
But that is not the case.
A few hours later, as I was in the middle of planting a huge flowering Chrysanthemum plant for my mom in honor of her 85th birthday, I got the message from Augie telling me that Claudine had passed away.
She was 45 years old.
~~~~~
I’ve been pondering, processing and trying to figure out what that whole experience was all about.
What I do know is that, although I was not close to Claudine, being drawn to contact her and see her 41 days before her death has left me with an unmistakeable gift that I hope I never forget.
The peace, joy and confidence I saw in her eyes gave me so much comfort.
It somehow reminded me that a lot of what makes me crazy on a daily basis, does not really matter.
While this may sound like I am giving up on life, on the contrary, I feel compelled to keep doing my best but to do so while surrendering the outcome.
I hope that I become as calm as her when I near the end of my life...or at the very least in my life today as I live through the experience of parenting teenagers.
Seeing Claudine smile ever so sweetly as she was dealing with her terminal illness has pushed me to assess my approach to each day.
I am grateful that my Claudine Experience is encouraging me to:
1. Give up worry.
2. Forgive
3. Do my best in all I do, but let go of all expectations.
4. Stop wrestling with life.
5. Live fearlessly and with great faith in God.
6. Have only good intentions in all I do
7. Let go of my ego
8. Keep my mind and heart open
9. Love
10. Just do it.

(For my friend Claudine:  1/19/1970-9/10/2015)

Peace Pilgrim Quotes and Some Questions Asked Of Me, Answered.

"Many common problems are caused by wrong attitudes.  People see themselves as the center of the universe and judge everything as it relates to them. Naturally you won't be happy that way. You can only be happy when you see things in proper perspective: all human beings are of equal importance in God's sight, and have a job to do in the divine plan."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q. You often refer to your old self as opposed to your new self--what is different about you today from who you were ten years ago?

Ten years ago I looked happy on the outside but was miserable on the inside.

I was unhappy. I suffered depression on and off.

I took a lot of things personally.

I tried to control everything and please everyone.

I was lonely and lost...but no one really knew it. Not even me.

I disguised my unhappiness by being sociable, traveling, connecting with everyone and anyone.
It was exhausting.

Ten years ago, I did not believe in God.

Now I believe in God. 

Q. Are you a hermit.

A. No, but I want to be one. Or a monk. Or a nun.

I find silence peaceful. However, one can not be a hermit, monk or nun when one is a wife and a mother. So I try my best to be sociable not only to my family but to people who care to wade through my moat. 

Q. Why do we suffer? Why do I always suffer? How do I stop suffering?

A. Off the cuff, the root of all suffering is our ego and the great effort we take to protect it and build it.  The ego is super competitive.

It wants to feel good, and better than others--the ego wants to win.

Interestingly enough, I notice that I suffer whenever I feel superior or inferior.

I suffer whether I feel "right" or "wronged."

My suffering exponentially grows when I dwell on either scenario.

I believe this is because anything driven by the ego is not good for your soul.

When you crack the code on banishing the ego, you will experience everlasting joy and peace.

So to put this into practice, if you are able to make any and all experiences, whether good or bad just pass through--without clinging to it--without needlessly turning it over and over to examine it from every angle--you will eliminate suffering.

I think this can be done when we learn to surrender the outcome and establish the habit of gratitude.

Q. "The habit of gratitude" sounds very fadish and cliche. 
When life is awful, how is it even possible to be grateful? 

A. Take it or leave it. I have discovered there is always something to be thankful for. And, get this, when you start focusing on one thing that you can be grateful for, it starts to multiply. Joy begets joy.  Gratitude attracts more blessings and love to flow towards you. If all else fails and you feel you have nothing to be thankful, start by being thankful that you have eyes to browse the internet, and the ability to breathe.
The converse of this, is also true--complaining makes one more miserable.
When you open the door to hatred, you also let in other negative emotions such as jealousy, depression, selfishness and anger.
So, anytime you feel a negative emotion coming on--blast it away right away with a prayer or a grateful thought.

"Prayer is a concentration of positive thoughts."
~Peace Pilgrim

Q: What do you do when you suddenly get gripped with that anxiety loop. 
You know the kind, the one that replays in your head over and over that makes you kick yourself, blame yourself for not taking care of something sooner, for wishing you said something, or wishing you had not said what you said... The loop that keeps you up at night, or the loop that makes you want to sleep all day. The loop that makes you feel as if your heart is heavy or makes you feel insignificant. What do you do?

A: The very first thing I do once I realize what is happening in my mind is, I stop.
I almost imagine the sound of brakes screeching in my head. I stop. I put the sound of silence in my head. Try it. STOP. Experiment with making it quiet. It helps me to close my eyes and see black nothingness. I almost do an internal hum (no sound though)
Then I think the words: "God please help me."
Once I am able to experiment with a few seconds of peace, I count breaths.
Sometimes 10 breaths. Sometimes more. It is not an exact science.
I imagine that my  mind is not IN my self but rather outside of me, watching myself.
I observe myself experiencing whatever it is I am experiencing...and with each breath, I imagine myself getting separated further and further away from the situation I am watching. More often than not, I become successful in letting go of whatever is bothering me.

Q. When that does not work, what else do you do to help you stop being bothered by something?

A: As I mentioned in the previous question, I pray. Then I take the time to look deeper at what is actually bothering me. I have learned through various books and meditations is often times when something is bothering me in real time, what appears to be bothering me is not what is seems.
Present day triggers merely remind us of unresolved or unhealed hurts.
So (I am not super successful yet) I take the time to try to remember why the hurt seems familiar.
Sometimes I remember, sometimes I don't. Either way, I don't repress the hurt.
I feel it with my entire body and then I let it take off without me. I let it go. Visualization helps.
I imagine setting my pain on a train and letting the train leave the station without me.
Try it right now with something that is bothering you.

Q. What is the secret to an enduring marriage?

A. In 2011 I stumbled across the biblical framework for an enduring marriage.
It is the Ephesians 5:33 Marriage Tool.  
The one that states that "each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband."
Ever since I started doing my best to follow this approach to marriage, our marriage experienced a significant makeover from the inside out.  The change in my marriage came at the right time too, as in 2011, our first-born was becoming a teenager.  Truly, God was watching over us, as there is no way to withstand the teenage years with parents who do not love and respect each other.
While our marriage is far from perfect, it has gotten very much better.

Q.  How has the ego gotten mixed up with parenting?

A. Every single time we operate out of a desire for our kids to do "better than others" as opposed to

"becoming their best selves" you can be sure the ego is involved.

When this happens, know that you are not parenting effectively out of love but rather you are parenting with the goal of winning.

You will suffer when you allow your ego to help you parent.

It all boils down to motives.

Good intentions, produces good results--(or at the very least, results that are meant to be.)

Evil intentions rarely produce the results good for the soul.

Q. Please explain further what this means: "it all boils down to motives."

A. Perhaps an example may help me explain this better:

It is not good for a parent to insist their child takes piano lessons so the parent can show off the child's talents.  The result of  the pride-clinging over the talented child will eventually cause suffering to both parent and child.

If a parent's motives for insisting their child take piano lessons are so their child develops their brain, learns to be disciplined and so they express themselves creatively--the parent will experience simple joy whenever they listen to their child play the piano--and more importantly, the child will experience this joy too.

"There is a criterion by which you can judge whether the thoughts you are thinking and the things you are doing are right for you.  The criterion is: have they brought you inner peace? If they have not then there is something wrong with them--so keep seeking! If what you do has brought you inner peace, stay with what you believe is right."

~Peace Pilgrim

Q. How do you deal with difficult people?

A. I have been asked this and I feel almost sheepish answering this because of the fact that most of the time I stay home. I don't leave my house unless I have to. But the rare occasion that I am exposed to difficult people or situations, I find myself automatically switching to prayer mode.
I also immediately remember The Four Agreements: I don't take things personally, I don't assume anything, I try to be impeccable with my words and I do my best.
While we can't always help how and whom we spend each moment of our lives with, we can certainly choose to make every encounter with other humans as best as can be by being kind.
For the toxic people though, I interact with them only as much as my own mental health can handle. If someone is difficult, self-referential or hijacks each encounter with their heavy demeanor, I give them wide berth.  I work on erecting healthy boundaries because in the long run, toxic people do not change if we keep actively participating in their drama.
Life is too short.

"Judging others will avail you nothing and injure you spiritually.  Only if you can inspire others to judge themselves will anything worthwhile have been accomplished."
~Peace Pilgrim

G Performing "I Dreamed The Dream" (From Les Miserables)

What Are The Odds???

I was preoccupied in the days leading up to our vacation, as it was some sort of a last minute trip. I had to find flights, book a hotel and cancel and book and cancel (yes that's not a typo) find care for our animals, pay bills, stop the newspaper and the mail, etc.

As soon as we arrived at Simon's place, G noticed a lone pen lying on the coffee table.
She said, "look, Miller Funeral homes."
I looked at it, but I did not think anything of it.

The next day, we went to check out  Haslam's Bookstore.
I came across a quiet section of the bookstore,  and felt a familiar connection to certain old books.
They were books that my dad enjoyed reading.
While I did not actually get to browse through any of the books
(because my family started cajoling me to hurry up) just standing in the section felt oddly comforting.
Suddenly it hit me.
and I remembered the pen sitting on the coffee table.

That evening, I examined it more closely and looked at the website printed on the pen.
When I googled the web address printed on it, sure enough, the pen was from the exact place that handled my dad's viewing and funeral in Rochester, NY.
I had completely forgotten that my dad's five year death anniversary was today.

Of course my logical brain (once in a while, I try) tells me that it is quite possible that one of us took this pen to St. Petersburg, Florida--a few years ago when we stayed here for a wedding--
But.
What are the odds that the transient nature of a promotional pen  would  survive the countless friends and relatives that have since used this condo?
And, what are the odds that the ONE pen sitting prominently displayed on the coffee table would be THAT pen?

Can the dead really bug us to remember them when we forget?
Can they really reach out from another dimension?
Ever the skeptic, Steve said, "If he wrote a note, then we would be sure."
As for me, the pen was enough.
Perhaps I must use the pen, and see what flows...
And that is why I took the pen home.

Girls' Sunday Performance At Central and Being Here Now.

Both girls' schools were part of the Diocesan Honor Band performance last sunday.
Factoring in the snowy conditions of the day, the girls and I left extra early and got there in plenty of time.
The director of the show (a little old nun) was trying to man the ticket sales table, while scurrying about trying to get final show logistics in order.
It was clear to me that she was waiting for some other people assigned to sell tickets.

I don't know what came over me, but what I did next was out of character.
I approached the nun and asked her if she wanted me to take over until whomever was running late, arrived.
(I shy away from doing public displays of math skills because 'tis not one of my gifts)
She looked up at me (I told you she was little) gratefully and without asking my name, handed me an envelope full of cash and said: "Thank you!"
And then she was off without a backward glance.

I somehow got through the next 45 minutes of making change in my head until I caught sight of G's band teacher.
She looked at me calmly and said, "oh, you got my message?"
"I asked your daughter to ask you if you would sell tickets."
I said, "no she never told me."
Then she said, "well I meant to ask her, but it's amazing that you are here anyway."

She has no idea just how amazing it is since I never volunteer for such things.
And, I am glad that I never got that message because I would have had to work through not dreading it.
The show ended later than I expected so we missed the 4 pm mass at the Oratory.
So instead the girls and I went to St. Paul's Cathedral for the 6 pm mass.
Steve, who was working that day met us there.

The Cathedral is large, and I am not sure if it is due to the acoustics or the transient nature of the parishioners but somehow masses there seem impersonal.
As I was sitting there waiting for the mass to start, I decided to pray for a good mass experience for my family. (I don't know if I have ever asked for that before.)
I was amazed by what happened next.

The priest,  Fr. Joe Freedy, was someone we had never seen before
(since St. Paul's is usually our third-stringer church).
He was engaging.
He commended people for making it to church, despite the challenging weather.
He actually pointed to K and G and said,
"you teenagers probably did not want to be here right now, but were forced to.
Thank you for coming. If I appreciate you being here, what more does God."

He spoke of being in the moment in all that you do.
"Be here now" was his message.
At the end of the mass, K said: "I liked that priest."
Steve volunteered that it was "the best mass he had attended in a long time."
I too enjoyed the mass, but I was more captivated and inspired by the quick response to my prayer.

Amazing.

Tree Time 2013

I had been wanting a "Charlie Brown Christmas Tree" for years now.
This year, Steve brought this home for me.

Every evening, we gather around it and write down "what we pray for" and "what we are thankful for" on white and gold ribbons which we hang on our "charlie brown christmas tree."
It is a tradition we started in the beginning of december. (I say "we" but I am sure you can imagine the initial resistance)

When Kika asked me the night before her dance if some people could meet here, I said yes.
I was not prepared for the complete strangers that came along with the "some people" in order to take pictures of the large group of young men and women before the dance.

When I observed a few of the parents examining the tree closely, my armpits got a bit sweaty.

I had not anticipated that my quirky choice of tree  and intimate practice was going to be viewed by so many people.
People that came to retrieve children after Gabi's birthday two fridays ago and then people that came here before Kika's dance last friday.

The whole thing was an exercise in saying yes to the present moment and surrendering to what is.

How To Live A Better Story (A Re-post from 4/19/2013 Just Because I Love It.)

"All great changes are preceded by chaos."

~Deepak Chopra

We did not just land in the middle of our story.

We authored it, and we continue to do so on a daily basis.

As authors, we can direct and edit our story.

My friend DZ gave me a book called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller.

In this book, Miller compares writing a story to living a life.

How we live our life is us writing our story.

The basic structure of a good story is about a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

People tend to root for such characters when it is established that the character has basic goodness in him/her.

Sometimes conflict is something born into, while other times the conflict is inflicted or is brought about by an inciting event.

I have gone through certain experiences in life that have left me feeling lost and unsure of my self at times.

It has led me to make bad decisions, go through depression and be unable to give my best self in my relationships.

It has led to a few inciting events in my life.

An inciting event causes you to be confused, angry and to feel stuck.
Some people go through just one event, while others go through a series of them. 
While it is happening it looks and feels over-the-top bad,

however interestingly enough, the sheer explosion of an inciting event forces our character to evolve or make changes. 

We can get unstuck by making a decisive choice to tell a better story.
While this sounds easier said than done when one is in the midst of absolute stuckness--
I am discovering that changes made in order to start living a better story,  don't necessarily have to be drastic.
First,
We can start by quitting something really simple.
We must stop retelling stories about experiences that did not bring us happiness.
(The story about the unbelievably rude salesperson,  the argument at the office, the friend that was inconsiderate, that fact that you were raised by a pack of wolves, etc.)
Then,
We can redirect the path of our life by making sure that that which brings us joy, takes nothing away from others.
(Examining even a good thing, like going for a run--if my choice to go for a run means I am never home for dinner with my family...that choice does not support me telling a better
story.)
Last,
Make a conscious effort to be grateful participants instead of unwilling victims of our life story.
Start your day appreciative of your chance to sleep. 
Say the words Good Morning- not only to yourself but to your family. 
Start your day with a smile and a prayer. 
(Something I work on daily as I prod my daughters to get up each morning, herding them to make their beds, pick up their clothes, remember everything they should have prepared before bed...etc)

I am finding out firsthand that we can start right where we are, right now, not by focusing on what brought us to where we are today but rather by practicing the following 10 tips as consistently as can be:

1. Be awed by life and take nothing for granted.

Train your thoughts and attention to things you appreciate. It does not have to be extraordinary.

A child's smile, hot steaming rice, a hug, the absence of a headache, a reliable car, a text, a cup of coffee, a herd of deer, sunshine, a comfortable bed, a green light, a piece of cake, a wifi connection, the sound of a good laugh, etc.

2. Be grateful.

Appreciate the good stuff but also learn to be grateful for the disappointments and the painful events because all of it, and I mean all-- are part of a much bigger picture. 

Set-backs and sorrow can become spring boards for change.

We can find something to appreciate in difficult situations if we look hard enough.

3. Forgive yourself and others.

Stop blaming your upbringing or your genetics or a past event.

Stop carrying a grudge or holding on to hatred.

Stop replaying negative experiences-- leave them in the past where they belong.

4. Be done with unhealthy habits.

Stop trying to please everyone and stop trying to control everything.

Stop dreading things and worrying about what has not happened yet, but when

unpleasant situations happen in the present--do not deny that they are in fact, unpleasant.

(Not facing it causes deeper problems in the future)

5. Stay on healthy airwaves.

We constantly broadcast and receive signals and vibrations from one another so choose what you send out and what you accept. 
What you think, ends up being what you feel.
Thoughts are our prayers, so think only of what you want.  
Surround yourself with whom and what you want to be.

My niece Erica shared a book with me called  The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

It is a pretty concise and no nonsense approach to life. 

Practicing the following four agreements guide me as I strive to tell a better story:

6. Be impeccable with your words. 

Say only what you mean with truth and love.

7. Don’t take anything personally.

What others say and do is a reflection of what they feel about themselves.

When you stop taking things personally, you eliminate your suffering.

8. Don't make assumptions.

If you are unsure, ask for clarification. 

Assuming the worst leads to drama and misunderstanding. 

Learn to take things at face value because sometimes believing the best in people, bring out the best in people.

9. Always do your best

When we know that we have done our best, we eliminate regrets.
Regrets are insidious.

The last tip that has been helping me navigate through life is this:

10. Have Faith and Surrender the outcome. 

Trust that if you do your best to lead an authentic (and God-centered) life, that one day, all the pieces will fall into place.  

You will get exactly what you need at the exact time that you need it.

Decide on the story you want to tell and live each day in support of it.

Living a better story will make you a happier person and ultimately add more joy  to those you love and to the rest of the world.

How To Live A Better Story

"All great changes are preceded by chaos."

~Deepak Chopra

We did not just land in the middle of our story.

We authored it, and we continue to do so on a daily basis.

As authors, we can direct and edit our story.

My friend DZ gave me a book called A Million Miles In A Thousand Years by Donald Miller.

In this book, Miller compares writing a story to living a life.

How we live our life is us writing our story.

The basic structure of a good story is about a character who wants something and overcomes conflict to get it.

People tend to root for such characters when it is established that the character has basic goodness in him/her.

Sometimes conflict is something born into, while other times the conflict is inflicted or is brought about by an inciting event.

I have gone through certain experiences in life that have left me feeling lost and unsure of my self at times.

It has led me to make bad decisions, go through depression and be unable to give my best self in my relationships.

It has led to a few inciting events in my life.

An inciting event causes you to be confused, angry and to feel stuck.
Some people go through just one event, while others go through a series of them. 
While it is happening it looks and feels over-the-top bad,

however interestingly enough, the sheer explosion of an inciting event forces our character to evolve or make changes. 

We can get unstuck by making a decisive choice to tell a better story.
While this sounds easier said than done when one is in the midst of absolute stuckness--
I am discovering that changes made in order to start living a better story,  don't necessarily have to be drastic.
First,
We can start by quitting something really simple.
We must stop retelling stories about experiences that did not bring us happiness.
(The story about the unbelievably rude salesperson,  the argument at the office, the friend that was inconsiderate, that fact that you were raised by a pack of wolves, etc.)
Then,
We can redirect the path of our life by making sure that that which brings us joy, takes nothing away from others.
(Examining even a good thing, like going for a run--if my choice to go for a run means I am never home for dinner with my family...that choice does not support me telling a better
story.)
Last,
Make a conscious effort to be grateful participants instead of unwilling victims of our life story.
Start your day appreciative of your chance to sleep. 
Say the words Good Morning- not only to yourself but to your family. 
Start your day with a smile and a prayer. 
(Something I work on daily as I prod my daughters to get up each morning, herding them to make their beds, pick up their clothes, remember everything they should have prepared before bed...etc)

I am finding out firsthand that we can start right where we are, right now, not by focusing on what brought us to where we are today but rather by practicing the following 10 tips as consistently as can be:

1. Be awed by life and take nothing for granted.

Train your thoughts and attention to things you appreciate. It does not have to be extraordinary.

A child's smile, hot steaming rice, a hug, the absence of a headache, a reliable car, a text, a cup of coffee, a herd of deer, sunshine, a comfortable bed, a green light, a piece of cake, a wifi connection, the sound of a good laugh, etc.

2. Be grateful.

Appreciate the good stuff but also learn to be grateful for the disappointments and the painful events because all of it, and I mean all-- are part of a much bigger picture. 

Set-backs and sorrow can become spring boards for change.

We can find something to appreciate in difficult situations if we look hard enough.

3. Forgive yourself and others.

Stop blaming your upbringing or your genetics or a past event.

Stop carrying a grudge or holding on to hatred.

Stop replaying negative experiences-- leave them in the past where they belong.

4. Be done with unhealthy habits.

Stop trying to please everyone and stop trying to control everything.

Stop dreading things and worrying about what has not happened yet, but when

unpleasant situations happen in the present--do not deny that they are in fact, unpleasant.

(Not facing it causes deeper problems in the future)

5. Stay on healthy airwaves.

We constantly broadcast and receive signals and vibrations from one another so choose what you send out and what you accept. 
What you think, ends up being what you feel.
Thoughts are our prayers, so think only of what you want.  
Surround yourself with whom and what you want to be.

My niece Erica shared a book with me called  The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

It is a pretty concise and no nonsense approach to life. 

Practicing the following four agreements guide me as I strive to tell a better story:

6. Be impeccable with your words. 

Say only what you mean with truth and love.

7. Don’t take anything personally.

What others say and do is a reflection of what they feel about themselves.

When you stop taking things personally, you eliminate your suffering.

8. Don't make assumptions.

If you are unsure, ask for clarification. 

Assuming the worst leads to drama and misunderstanding. 

Learn to take things at face value because sometimes believing the best in people, bring out the best in people.

9. Always do your best

When we know that we have done our best, we eliminate regrets.
Regrets are insidious.

The last tip that has been helping me navigate through life is this:

10. Have Faith and Surrender the outcome. 

Trust that if you do your best to lead an authentic (and God-centered) life, that one day, all the pieces will fall into place.  

You will get exactly what you need at the exact time that you need it.

Decide on the story you want to tell and live each day in support of it.

Living a better story will make you a happier person and ultimately add more joy  to those you love and to the rest of the world.